Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

MAN-TASTIC

NOV 22, 2020

BY D.K. LION

     Out of all your friends and people in your social circle, you’re going to have at least one person who dislikes you because of who you’re in a relationship with. Not because they mistreat you, which would be understandable, but because he’s a good man who loves you, and you love him back. He treats you like you want and should be treated, and you do the dame for him, and that irritates the fuck out of your so-called “Friend.” They’ll act like they’re happy you found someone who brings you so much happiness, but if they’re single or miserable in their own relationship, they’re not really happy at all. They’re not interested in the least bit about the joy and success you’re having, not when their love life is non-existent or in the shitter.


     They can’t say enough good things about your man to your face. They tell you how they’re glad you found somebody who supports you, believes in you, and encourages you to follow your dreams and goals. They act like it’s great how he makes sure you’re safe and taken care of whenever you’re together. HE calls to check on you while you’re out, and he isn’t afraid to check in himself or to let you know he’s thinking of you. She can’t even get ahold of her man from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. Her man never seems to want to take her anywhere or be seen with her, except when he wants something. They can’t go anywhere without him looking past her or breaking his neck to check out other women.


     They brag to all your mutual friends and co-workers about how your man opens the door for you, pulls out your chair, and pumps the gas; he even remembers your birthday and your 1st date anniversary. He turns down other women who make passes at him. Secretly, she wishes she can say the same about her man. She knows she can’t even trust him when they go out together without him eye-fucking other women or trying to get attention. He can’t go a single date night without drinking, getting high, or getting into a fight with somebody, just because they were looking at either of you.


     This goes far beyond plain jealousy. For some reason, it’s your fault you ended up with a good man, and they’re alone, or with a drunk, drug-addicted, lying, the cheating asshole who doesn’t want to work, and she lets him live off of her. She lets him drop her off at work, takes her car, and go off, doing whatever and whoever. She has kids but spends her money keeping him in style, and he can’t even make dinner for her and her kids. He doesn’t even like her kids and treats them like shit or expects her to choose between them and him. It’s your fault they’re letting some piece of shit take advantage of them while you’re having the best time of your life with a great guy.


     You go out together, and you went for the good, decent guy, but she passed on his equally charismatic and respectful friend and went for the drunk player who was hitting on every woman that walked by. You value quality over quantity, and she wanted to be the hot girl every woman in the room wanted to fuck. She was only interested in the mysterious, “Bad boy” who didn’t pay her any attention. Their choice is their choice because those are the types of men she chooses. She wants the type of men she normally chooses but wants them to treat her the way your man treats you.


     The foundation of her anger and hatred towards you goes no deeper or has absolutely no substantial reasoning behind it, except you have a man who treats you right, and she doesn’t. She smiles in your face and is quick to meet you and the girls out and have a great time, as long your man isn’t there, and you’re not talking about him. She’s one of your best friends as long as it’s just you or you and the girls. The first time you text your man or he texts to make sure you’re okay, she’ll flip out and turn sideways on you. If he shows up with his friends and one of them shows interest, she’ll STILL ignore him and go for the loudmouthed shitbag who’s obviously just looking for some quick and easy ass.


     Everything between you two was always cool. You were pretty good friends, if not the best of friends, until she met your man. After that, things changed. You aren’t as close as you were before, and it’s because she hates that you have a better man than she does. You aren’t invited to hang out with her and her man after the first time. She compared how your man treats you and how you interact with each other to how shitty her “Pretty boy” treats her. She went for looks, and you went for personality. She went for the hot, sexy guy, and you met the one who wasn’t into having every woman all over him. Her choice in men is the reason she hates you.


     It’s double date night, and Amy & Jack are having drinks with Sarah & Tom. It’s pouring down rain at the end of the night, and Jack tells Amy to wait under the awning and keep dry while he goes for the car. Sarah stands next to Amy, thinking Tom will follow the example. Instead, Tom’s wondering why she’s just standing there. She gives a look of humiliation and despair before she takes off running behind Tom through the parking lot in the rain in her thin, tight, black dress and heels to the car. Based on Tom’s behavior, Sarah blames and hates Amy because Jack didn’t want Amy to get soaked. When Sarah gets home, she’ll look in the mirror at the comic character supervillain staring back with her makeup dripping down her face. It’ll ruin her mood for sex when Tom tells her she needs to wash her face or shower first.


     Her man makes sure she knows there are plenty of women out there who’d love to be with him. Your man makes sure you know he only has eyes for you. Her man’s quick to tell her how much he gets hit on, and your man doesn’t want you thinking about shit like that. He pays more attention and detail to his car than he does to her. He wants to stay home and watch the game or play on the computer; if you want to go out, then it’s coming out her pocket; he sure isn’t going to pay to go anywhere or do something he doesn’t want to in the first place.


     They’ll smile to your face and talk shit behind your back because of how your man treats you. They’re mad at you because you have a good man, and they have an asshole. Instead of demanding more from her man or the men she’s attracted to, she’ll stay with the asshole she’s with or leaves him to find another one just like him and expect different results. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

TOY APARTMENT

OCT 18, 2020

BY D.K. LION

     It’s not the best of situations, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do for what’s best for you and your family. You can’t afford a house, and you’re raising your kids in an apartment. That doesn’t mean you get to let your kids run around the complex like it’s a backyard playground.


     The parking lot’s not a park or playground, and kids shouldn’t be allowed to roam unsupervised throughout the complex while you’re at home, relaxing and glad they’re not in your hair or bugging the hell out of you. You’re glad their outside and not hogging the TV with their video games. Out of sight, out of mind shouldn’t apply here.


     Cars are pulling in and out regularly. Delivery vans and moving trucks are parked, creating crazy blind spots and hazardous conditions. The parking lot’s not a skate park, baseball diamond, football field, or place to practice their basketball skills. Your pets aren’t allowed to roam free. The complex isn’t a dog park where they can run around off-leash. People are scared of and allergic to dogs, and most complexes have a leash requirement in the lease agreement. 


     You can’t keep your dog locked up in the apartment all day, every day, because you don’t feel like taking them for a walk. Your dog barks every time another dog walks by, and your neighbors hate you and your dog.


     Drivers have to be extra vigilant as it is when navigating the parking lot, much less without adding having to look out for your kids running around, chasing balls, or suddenly falling off their skateboards just as you’re backing out or making a turn. You’d have a fit if one of your kids got hurt or in an accident that shouldn’t have happened in the first place because you let your kids play in the damn parking lot.


     You’re too tired, busy, or you just don’t have the motivation or interest in taking your kids to the playground, park, or anywhere more appropriate for them to let off steam and just play. All they want to do is sit around, playing video games, eat garbage, get overweight, and you’re okay with that, as long as they’re not keeping you from watching the game. You don’t have to get up and do anything with them, so whatever they’re doing is just fine by you. They want to play, but they have no place to play, and you won’t lift a finger to find them a place to play when all you have to do is sit there and keep an eye on them. Some complexes have designated play areas, and you won’t even take the time or make the walk through the complex with your kids to keep them safe. The first time there’s an accident, you’ll want to blame the driver for not paying attention.


     What about your lack of attention for your own kids? They wouldn’t have been out there in the parking lot in the first place had you not been so lazy and unwilling to get off your ass and just take them to the play area. What about when they damage someone else’s car? Your kids most likely won’t admit it, and if they did, would you own up and pay for the damages, or will you blow it off as “Kids will be kids” when someone’s knocking on your door when your kid’s dented their car or broke a window? Your kids are damaging people’s cars when using their finger to write “Wash me” into the paint. They don’t understand when they do that; they’re scratching that shit into someone’s car.


     How do you not see anything wrong with letting your kids run around the complex with toy guns, hiding between parked cars? They look real enough, and they’re jumping out, thinking it’s funny to scare people. They’re playing hide and seek when the sun’s going down. You’ll get pissed if they get tased, stabbed, beat the hell up, or shot by someone just walking to or from their car. The dumpsters aren’t drumsets or rock throwing targets. The walls surrounding back patios are for that renter’s privacy, not for your kids to climb up on to look into their apartment. The parking lot’s not a racetrack for bikes or stunt training facility for skateboarding.


     You sent your kids out to the parking lot to play when your man or your lady came over, and you wanted some privacy. Was it worth it? You chose sex over the safety of your children. You could’ve easily told them to sit quietly and not to bother you for 15-20 minutes. You knew exactly where they were, and they were safe, but you let that other person talk you into sending your kids out into the lion’s den so you wouldn’t be bothered. They didn’t want to be around your kids, or you didn’t want to expose them to different men and women coming and going, but the parking lot isn’t a substitution for a sitter so you can fuck.


     Take them to the park. All you have to do is sit there and keep an eye on them while they play. You can take turns with other parents and alternate. It’s not funny to knock on someone’s door and run; that’s how kids get their asses handed to them or snatched. It’s bad enough adults are doing it, but your kids are also stealing packages from outside other people’s doors because you do it, or they’ve seen it online and think it’s cool or funny.


     Apartment life is unavoidable; it’s a necessity for many people, and you have to be considerate of your neighbors when your kids are running through the complex playing and screaming past other people’s doors and windows. Somebody may be sleeping because they work overnights. They just got their crying baby to sleep, and your kids woke them up. It’s Independence Day, and your kids are playing in the parking lot. You or your kids don’t realize your neighbor happens to be a combat veteran who has issues with firecrackers. Your music’s a little too loud, or your friends are out back, yelling and cheering during the big game. Yeah, it’s your place, and you pay rent, but so do they.


     It’s not the ideal situation to raise a family, but it’s better than your parent’s basement. Every family wants a yard for the kids to play. You want your privacy, and you want to be able to enjoy being at home. You want your place to be a place you can relax and be yourself, but in an apartment, consideration trumps what you want. That’s when you have to be creative and proactive. You have to take that extra step to be courteous and more involved in taking your kids somewhere they can be kids. You can’t keep them cooped up in the apartment.


     Why would you send your kids to the pool by themselves? You let your 12-year old go to the pool by themselves and made them take your 4-year old along because you didn’t want to deal with them or hear them whine about wanting to go too, but you didn’t feel like taking them. That’s YOUR child. It’s not your pre-teens job to watch them. They’re either going to be stuck on the sidelines, watching their younger brother or sister have fun, or they’re going to be too wrapped up enjoying themselves to keep a close enough watch.


     You’re putting your kids on display and advertising them to someone who may not have their safety in mind. Who knows how long it would take to locate your child if they came up missing? You didn’t think to check on them until it was time for dinner, and even then, you figured they’d come home when they were hungry.


     You didn’t realize your kids were missing until you went to the dumpster to toss out your garbage and found their body after they’d been assaulted. Your kids have friends in the complex you don’t about, and you’ve never met their parents; you have no idea where to even begin looking for them! You want to think the best of people, but how well do you really know your neighbors? They’re nice, they always say hello and open for small talk, but do you REALLY know them? You trust them enough to allow your children to see them as a safe haven in case of an emergency, but they could be the emergency you hope they don’t run into. You’re giving someone who’s hurting and abusing their own kids' access to your kids just because they have kids.


     The parking lot’s for cars, not kids. It’s not a place to let your children run around unsupervised. The parking lot’s a dangerous place where so many things can and will go wrong. It’s not even funny. Cars should be paying attention, but to expect drivers to watch out for kids running out in front of their cars to retrieve a football or slam on their brakes for a pet is asking a little too much. Sending your kids to the pool by themselves; you’re pretty much asking other parents to look after your children while you sit at home on your ass.


     How is that fair to your neighbors? How is that fair to your older children when you’re making them take your kids outside to play in the heat while you stay indoors with the AC running? Are you making them take and drink water? Are you even thinking about hydration, or are you just glad they’re not in your face? How would you feel if you accidentally ran over someone’s pet or hit a kid who ran out in front of your car? How quickly would you say they shouldn’t have been out there by themselves? How quick would you ask where their parents were? They were in the same place you were the other day, in their apartment, glad they weren’t being bothered by their own bratty ass kids.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

FRIGHTS CAMERA ACTIONS

OCT 11, 2020

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

     Fear means something different to everybody. Some love it; some hate it; some even get off on it. The art and pursuit of trying to scare each other have been sources of entertainment and humor for a long time. From scary movies to horror fiction to urban legend, we enjoy going to haunted houses and watching scary movies; we can’t seem to get enough of them. We tirelessly search for the next thing that’ll have us jumping out of our seat or practically pissing our pants. It’s funny how we know something’s about to happen, and we think the actors and actresses in the movies can hear us when we’re yelling and cursing at them to turn around or not walk into a dark, damp room.


     I can’t imagine how people would react to a real-life scenario in comparison to the movies. Still, it’s funny as hell to watch how the writers portray how people would actually react when being stalked by a savage beast, hunted or taunted by a slasher, or deranged serial killer, or how smart they’d be if trapped in a “kill or be killed” maze or puzzle.


     Where do the people behind these movies and stories get the idea of how the normal person would react if put in these situations? What makes them the authority or expert in fearful behavior? How do they come up with the choices the victims make during their pretend ordeal? Yeah, it’s a movie or story, but the goal is to scare the fuck out of us, right?


     They’re supposed to be scaring us, but instead of doing so, they hand us the plot and what’s going to happen next on a silver platter. Why give us the creepy footsteps from the upper floor or attic? Why scary music? Why prepare us for the next scare? Why follow the same pattern over and over and over again? How about something new and improved?


     We saw a brief shift in the dynamic of horror movies with the “Found footage” first-person aspect, but it quickly overstayed it’s welcome and became just as boring and cliché as the others. They slid over to the ridiculous and out of hand. The idea became just as “Cookie-cutter” as the rest of them.


     The pattern of a horror movie is as predictable as the sunrise. Horror became mundane and humorous and stuck itself into its own rut. Is that the funny or entertaining part? Or do we really believe the star football player can’t run 3 miles to the nearest road for help? Are we supposed to be convinced the same cheerleader who can execute a blindfolded running triple somersault on command suddenly can’t run 50 feet without falling and breaking her ankle?


     1896 marked the release of “The Haunted Castle,” the very first horror movie shown on screen. Corny as hell by today’s standards, it sparked the fascination of fear in cinema. Since then, hundreds of attempts to scare the shit out of us have blessed movie screens worldwide; some successful, some just fucking ridiculous. What sets the good from the bad ones is not knowing who the villain is. The sinister music that leads to the “Jump scene.” Balancing the blood and gore with keeping our interest in a semi-suspenseful plot and storyline. Trying to guess who the next victim is or in what way they’re going to get it.


     Do you want to capture the damn monster? What the hell are you thinking? And what’s your plan, even if you’re successful? Conduct an autopsy? Try to study it? Even worse, you want to hunt down a monster that’s been in the same forest for a hundred years, and you, a third-year college student’s going to do what experienced hunters and killers couldn’t do. You’re going to be the one who kills the killer who’s been killing your friends in a rage of vengeance? Get real; your ass is grass. You should be trying to go the other fucking direction, not towards the shit that wants to kill you!


     You really think it’s wise to insult or taunt the killer. Your girlfriend’s about to become ground beef, and you’re going to save her by shifting the killer’s attention to you first? Do you think she’s going to come out of hiding to do the same for you? Think again. Now both of you are going to die, but you’re going to die first because she’s tied to a chair or her legs are all fucked up. Do you want to help? Then get some REAL help! It sucks, but one getting away is better than you both fucking dying.


     Do you want to reason with them? When it’s a loved one who’s turned zombie, vampire, werewolf, or whatever else, there’s always that one person who believes they can be saved from themselves. No matter what they are now, there are still some remnants of who they used to be. They’re “Still in there; I know they are.” They believe the killer can be “Talked down” or out of killing them and their friends.


     You may be stranded because the car tires are flat, but my ass would be driving on fucking rims. You’re on a farm with tractors and other equipment with batteries, why can’t you grab one of those batteries to replace the dead one in your getaway vehicle?


     You don’t think they’ll hurt you because you know who they are. The killer was someone you grew up with; your partner was bitten and transformed into some freaky-looking shit, and you think they’ll remember you, even though they’re slobbering at the mouth, trying to eat your brains. You just can’t shoot them or chop their head off because it used to be your kid, your very best friend, or spouse, so you’ll let them tear out and chew on your intestines instead. You don’t want to leave them behind, even though you saw them get slashed and carted off kicking and screaming? Do you want to take your ass deep into that same fucking forest after them?


     Do you want to go back? What? Are you serious? You heard them screaming in pain and suffering from the distance, and you still want to run back in the house to see if they’re okay; no, they’re not okay, can you not hear the same shit everyone else in the group heard? You want to attack the bad guy or the monster, but you know as soon as they make the first move, you’re going to run the other way and let them get fucked up. Everyone else has jumped the kidnapper, but you’re running for the door.


    Does it really matter why the guy in the pumpkin mask or dressed like a fucking clown just murdered all your friends? Will it make you feel better to know why you’re about to have your head hacked off? Do you think that’ll make having that pipe shoved up your ass hurt less? Do you want to know what they want from you? Besides shoving a 6-foot pike up your butthole. It doesn’t matter in the long run, or you already know why they want revenge on you. Asking is always funny to see in the movies.


     Asking if there’s anyone out there? Did you not hear your doorbell ring or the knock at the door? Do you think the best thing for you to do is open the front door at 2 am when you’re home alone and walk outside with the weakest flashlight on the planet? Horror movie flashlights are as bright as action movie hand grenade explosions are accurately depicted. You live alone, and you heard creaking noises from the upstairs, a crash, or strange noise from the garage? Go ahead and investigate that shit; don’t call the police or anything like that. Leave your shotgun in the closet and the shells in the garage.


     “It’s nothing; it’s just the wind.” That’s what they say so they can keep fucking you, but they heard that shit too. They know they’re going to die, so they might as well die AFTER they get some ass! You really think it’s a good idea to open that box with the upside-down cross or pentagram on it. Cutting the lock on the ancient graveyard to have a party in the creepy-ass mausoleum makes you dumb as hell. You’re quick to grab a crowbar and tear up sections of the floor with the pentagram drawn on it, you stupid fuck.


     You pulled off to the side of the road to piss, but did you really have to walk a quarter-mile off the road at night to do it? Are you fucking dog, looking for just the right tree to pee against?


     You all get together for a night of drinking and smoking pot, and one of you gets the bright fucking idea to do something stupid like break out the Ouija board or play some stupid game where you stand in front of a mirror a try to summon a damn spirit or demon. Then you heard some fucked up shit, and you play it off like you all didn’t just see that mirror move or crack down the middle. Did you not just hear the same shit everyone else just heard from outside or upstairs? Yeah, you did, because you all stopped drinking and laughing and looked up like, “What the fuck was that?” 3 seconds later, someone blames the wind against an open shudder, and you all continue like nothing happened. You found some old book in a trunk, bound by what looks like human skin and your first reaction is to flip through and read some shit out loud?


     Do you want to split up? Are you fucking high? If you do, just make sure you have the black guy in your group, because according to stereotypical horror movie patterns, long as the black guy’s still alive, everyone else is safe. You won’t leave without them? Fine, they’ll leave without your dumb ass! I’ll tell you I’ll wait until you’re too far away to chase me when I take off on your dumb ass. Better yet, you want me to stay put or in hiding while you go off to get help without me? Fuck you! I’m going with you. You’d better find a place for me to ride on that motorcycle, bicycle, horse, unicorn, goat, or whatever the fuck you’re about to get on and ride the fuck out of there! You want to wait until the next morning before you try to leave and get help? Anyone who can sleep through the night, knowing there’s a killer stalking you and your friends, is most likely the damn killer!


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

CATCHER'S GLOVE

Aug 17, 2020

BY D.K. LION AND LISA JILLS

     Oh shit! You just got caught and your mind's racing for some shit to say that'll turn your partner's attention from the woman riding his dick in the back seat of your car or her man's dick in another woman's mouth and you can't come up with a fucking thing to say, but the dumbest shit possible! Instead of just owning up to the dirty shit, you just got caught doing and taking the heat for it, you actually believe you can come up with and say some shit that'll soften the blow, and possibly make what you're doing seem not as bad as it is.


     First question: What the hell do you think you can say that'll make what you're doing NOT seem as fucked up as it is? Second, what makes you think they're going to stand there and listen, much less, believe anything you have to say? Third, What happens when your lady AND the other woman starts kicking your ass, or the other man throws you out his car and drives off, leaving you stranded 20 miles from home in heels and a short dress or skirt?


     What CAN you say that'll make why you're doing seem any better than getting caught in the act? At least if it's word of mouth or you didn't actually catch them, but the evidence is stacked heavily against you? What goes through your head when you utter the first stupid fucking thing that comes to your head?


- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK OR WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.


-WE'RE JUST FRIENDS; THAT'S HOW WE HANG OUT.


- HE DIDN'T CUM/SHE DIDN'T ORGASM.


- IT DIDN'T LAST THAT LONG.


- YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HOME YET.


- IT WAS JUST ONE TIME.


- THEY MADE THE FIRST MOVE.


- YOU DID SHIT TOO - Even though it was less severe shit.


- I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU. 


- I STILL LOVE YOU.


- WHO WANTS TO EAT THE SAME MEAL EVERY DAY?


- I'M JUST BEING A MAN - Men weren't designed to be with just one woman.


- I'M ADDICTED TO SEX - But I was ashamed to say anything to you about it.


- HE PAYS ATTENTION TO ME.


- WOULD YOU RATHER IT HAD BEEN WITH A STRANGER? 


- I NEED TO END IT FACE TO FACE; I OWE THEM THAT MUCH.


- I NEED TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT.


- I WAS THINKING OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME.

 

- I TRY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU, BUT YOU WON'T EVER TRUST ME AGAIN - So what's the point?


- IT WAS JUST SEX, WE NEVER DATED.


- MY MOM OR DAD CHEATED WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER - And they're still together after 20 years.


- THEY WEREN'T NEARLY AS GOOD AS YOU.


- I THOUGHT YOU WERE CHEATING TOO.


- YOU KEPT ACCUSING ME, SO I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE DONE IT.


- YOU LOOK AT PORN; IT'S THE SAME THING.


- YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT.


- I WAS PRACTICING TO BE BETTER FOR YOU.


- I WAS DRUNK AND PASSED OUT - They took advantage of me. So, why aren't we reporting it as a sexual assault?


- I WAS MISSING YOU.


- YOU WORK TOO MUCH.


- I/HE WORE A CONDOM; IT DOESN'T COUNT - I didn't feel anything.


- YOU PUSHED ME INTO IT.


- I HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE OF A DIFFERENT RACE/ETHNICITY.


- YOU NEVER WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME.


- YOU NEVER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE YOU WANT ME.


- I WASN'T EVEN ALL THE WAY HARD OR WET.


- I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU UNTIL I WAS SURE IT WAS BEST.


- AREN'T YOU GLAD IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN NOW?


- HE/SHE KNEW ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME.


- YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS.


- I NEVER BROUGHT THEM INTO OUR HOME.


- IT WAS JUST ORAL/MANUAL.


- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS/HER NAME.


- THEY'RE FROM OUT OF TOWN, SO I'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.


- WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS...


- YOU'D HAD NEVER FOUND OUT IF YOUR FRIENDS WEREN'T ALWAYS IN OUR BUSINESS.


- IT'S MY BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE PARTY.


- JUST GOT THE HEAD IN BEFORE I REALIZED IT WAS WRONG.


- I STOPPED AFTER 30 SECONDS BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS WRONG.


- WE DIDN'T DO EVERYTHING; THERE WASN'T ENOUGH ROOM IN THE CAR.


- IT WASN'T PLANNED, IT JUST HAPPENED.


- I BET YOU WERE DOING IT TOO.


- WHY DID YOU COME OVER WITHOUT CALLING FIRST? DON'T YOU TRUST ME?


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

FACE MASKED

Aug 2, 2020

BY D.K. LION AND LISA JILLS

     Uh-oh! You got caught red-handed, and now you're in a world of shit. You're sitting in the front seat of your car, getting your dick sucked by a mouth that doesn't belong to you lady or in the back seat, riding a dick that isn't attached to your man. You're stumbling to pull your yoga pants back up or stuffing your dick back in your pants right when your man or lady walked through the door two hours early from work to find you bent over the back of the kitchen table, or you're slamming your legs closed and trying to hop up from the couch. Too late, you're busted, and the look on your face is fucking priceless. Your partner just showed you your phone, and you were dumb as fuck enough to hold on to the texts and photos you were sent from the other person or your friends told you they saw your lady or your man out the other night, doing dirty shit. Let's break down some of the more popular facial expressions and what they mean.


- OH SHIT! HOW AM I GOING TO TALK MY WAY OUT OF THIS? - You really don't know what to say, but you know you'd better say something if you hope to make it out alive or at least explain yourself. Even though you know whatever you come up with won't be worth a fucking thing, you'd still better say something, ANYTHING!


- IT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKS/NOT WHAT YOU THINK - How is it NOT - how it looks? How many different ways can have sex with someone who isn't the person you're supposed to be putting the dick into or giving up the ass too? It's EXACTLY how it looks!


- DAMN, THERE AIN'T SHIT I CAN SAY - That's when you just hang your head down and know you fucked up, and there's nothing you can say to justify or rationalize shit.


- WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? - You shrug your shoulders, wondering how they can be so surprised when all you've been doing for the past six months is argue and are pissed at each other.


- THAT'S NOT ME! - You're shaking your head from side to side, in full denial over what his/her friends have just told them about how you were all over that guy at the bar last weekend, stroking him through his pants or how that female was grinding all up on you on the dance floor, letting you grab her ass or shoving your hands down her top.


- I'M CAUGHT NOW MIGHT AS WELL FINISH - "Oh, well, I'm pretty much fucked now; might as well stay with the chick that already knows about you."


- I DON'T SEE YOU STANDING THERE - "If I don't turn and acknowledge you standing there, you don't exist."


- SHOCK AND AWE - The look on your face says, "FUCK!" Your heart and stomach just dropped into your stomach, and you're completely paralyzed.


- BABY, LET ME EXPLAIN - Your immediate reaction is to pull out or hop off the dick and run after them butt-ass naked, your panties dragging on the ground from one leg, or you just tripped over your underwear around your ankles with your dick still hanging out.


- GO BACK TO SLEEP - This expression looks a lot like you're trying to be the shoulder they're going to cry on when you're the friend or confidant, instead of the asshole that just got caught cheating.


- HUH? WHAT'S GOING ON? - You'll wipe your eyes and shake your head as if you're just coming out of a zombie-like trance, and you have no idea how you got into the situation you're in. Like they're going to believe you just tripped and stumbled into fucking someone who isn't your partner.


- I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE - That's when you look at your partner and tell the person you're fucking you don't know who they are or they're an ex you broke up with in the past, and they're trying to start some shit.


- WAIT, THIS AIN'T YOU? - This is just a stupid, fucked-up face that has no explanation or definition at all. It's a look pf realized stupidity.


- WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU FUCKING OR SUCKING ME? - Yeah, like this is going to work. You'll try to pass off being drunk, high, etc. and you have no idea how you got into the situation you're in. They took advantage of you while you were out cold, and lucky your partner came in a stopped it before it got too deep. You're looking at this other person like they're the bad guy, instead of you.


- DAMN, GUESS I HAVE TO GET A JOB NOW TO PAY FOR MY WEED - You just realized you lost your meal ticket.


- HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET TO WORK TOMORROW NOW? - You know you fucked up with someone who gave you more than just a relationship. Now you're thinking about how you have to move out of their place; you can't use their car anymore, you have to go back to walking or taking the bus to work, and how you're not going to be able to go out with your friends and meet other people to fuck around with.


- BETTER CURL UP IN A BALL; I'M ABOUT TO GET MY ASS BEAT BY 2 WOMEN! - You close your eyes, clench your teeth, cover your face, and brace yourself for your beating.


- MAYBE I'M DREAMING, I HOPE I'M DREAMING - You're NOT dreaming; asshat. This is REAL life, REALLY happening, and you fucked up!


- WHO, ME? - Yes, you! Another expression of confusion as if you have no idea what they're talking about when they bring what they were told about you by their friends. You'll try to convince your partner your friends are jealous or they just don't like you, and you have no idea why. You know why; because they know the truth about you.


     The faces you make will give you away. The initial shock will telegraph your guilt, even when confronted with accusations. You'll make yourself look even more fucked up when you're trying to convince them of your innocence by the loo on your face. You got caught; face it, deal with it. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

ASK AWAY

Jul 26, 2020

BY D.K. LION

     Why are you asking questions you don't answer to? Why are you asking people you care about, and who cares about you for their honesty? Why are you asking shit you want a specific answer to and get butt-bent out of shape when they tell you the truth or they don't say EXACTLY what you wanted them to? What's the fucking point of asking shit you already know the answer to?


     You know she didn't cum; you know she didn't orgasm, so why are you asking? Now you've either annoyed the fuck out of her. They have to either be honest with you or come up with some shit that's not going to hurt your feelings. "Is it good to you" is another. If their reaction while fucking or right afterward isn't an accurate account of how well or how pitiful you put the dick down, then asking them is pointless; you already know the answer. If they come back for more 15-20 minutes later, or they want to stay the night, that's a good sign. If she comes up with a reason to get right up and either leave or run a 3-miler on the treadmill, then you have your answer.


     Don't ask if an outfit makes you look bad or fat: you already know it does, you're just asking to hear something different from what you already know. You have a script in your head of responses that'll make you feel better about the size you're wearing, but you'll get butt-hurt and shitty when you're asking for the truth, and you get it. Does your outfit look bad on you? YES! Yes, it does. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking. You already know your outfit doesn't match, but you really want it to, so you're looking for someone to say, "Not really, but it's still cute!"


     Stop asking your partner if they think you need to lose weight. They'll be careful about this one and tell you don't NEED to lose weight, but they sure as hell would LOVE it if you did! Unless your partner has a fetish for larger people, you already know the answer to this silly ass question. If you were 120-130 lbs. when you met seven years and two kids ago, why would you ask him if he thinks you need to lose weight now that you 180-200 lbs. now? You want her to tell you how sexy you still are and that your "Beer belly" doesn't get in the way of her going down on you or doesn't hurt like hell when he puts it on your lower back when he's trying to fuck you from behind. You used to be able to rock that shit for 30-45 minutes, 3-4 times daily, ow, you're huffing and panting after 10 minutes. You know you need to lose weight, stop using that shit, and wanting someone to lie to you.


     You're eating the same meal they are, and you don't like the taste, so why would you ask someone else how they like it when you don't? Hell, you cooked it, and you hate it; of course, they hate it too. You tried out a new recipe, and it didn't come out anywhere near the way it was supposed to, so why'd you serve it? Better yet, why the hell did you ask your partner or kids what they thought, knowing they weren't going to tell you the truth?


     You're not the most attractive person in your social circle, and you know it, so why are you wondering why all your friends are hooking up when you go out and no one's talking to you until around the last hour or when all the other decent options are gone? You know why to stop asking yourself or other people what's wrong with you. You already know; Whether you're overweight or awkward, dressed like a soccer mom or a slob. If you're dress in something sexy, tight, and revealing, you know why all the men are coming at you; because they want to fuck you. Whether your breath smell like shit or you're dressed like your teenage son, talking like the guys from rap videos, there's no reason to ask why you're getting no rhythm from the ladies, you already know; you just don't want to hear the truth.


     What's that other person have that you didn't? Most of you know that answer too, whether you want to admit it or not. Whether or not it makes sense to you, it only has to make sense to the person who cheated. You may do or not do something sexually they want or don't want, and they're frustrated by it, but you knew that already. You may want sex too frequently or not enough, and they found someone more compatible. You ignored them; you smothered them, you kept doing shit that made them question your fidelity and commitment to the relationship. One or both of you weren't meeting the other's needs in some other way, and they came across someone else who did. Regardless, you already know why they did what they did, you're just hurt, confused, and looking for rationalization.


     You know you drive like shit. They've tried to tell you how they prefer you to give oral sex, but you hate doing it, so you don't listen. You can't even boil pasta without fucking it up. You can barely read your handwriting, and you fucking wrote it. Your coffee tastes like shit, that's why they never have a second cup, or you find so many coffee house cups in the car.


     You bought a 60" flat screen television because the neighbors have one, that's why you're always fucked on your bills. You're sitting at the dining room table with the bank book, and monthly statement worried and pissed off because you just barely have enough money to cover rent and the bills with nothing left over, not even for savings. You know why you're drowning, and you know where the money's going, so stop asking why you can't get ahead. You're spending $200 on sneakers for yourself or your kids so they can be, "In style," You just bought a $150 purse and $100 shoes to match. You just can't until your taxes come back because you're going to go crazy and get something you really don't need, instead of putting it away.


     You're asking questions you already know the answer to because you have an agenda. You know how to operate that particular system; you know how to read or print that report, but you'll still ask the cute girl two cubicles down how to do it. You're in pretty good shape; he's seen you at the gym quite a few times, but she'll still approach him and ask what exercises she should do for her triceps. She'll play the damsel in distress in hopes of striking up a conversation and interest. We ask questions we already know the answer to in order to get our foot in the door personally and professionally. We'll seek out our supervisor's boss to ask a question or offer a suggestion in hopes of showing dedication or appear indispensable to the company.


     We ask questions we know we really don't want the answer to because we think we have a right to know. We ask questions we really don't want the answer to because we believe it's crucial to the situation. You just caught your partner cheating on you; do you really want to know the details? How many times they fucked? How far they went sexually? All the dates they got together. All the places they went to together. What's the point of asking that shit? All you're doing is keeping a wound open for longer than it should be.


     You know why she's upset with you; you almost broke your neck, turning around to watch that girl walk by. You have the nerve to turn back around and ask your woman what's wrong with her or why's she's pissed. You know they're upset or angry; you've been together or married for years, and you know each other as you know yourselves. You know there's something wrong, they just don't want to talk about it yet. You are badgering them about it isn't going to get them to open up any sooner. If they do, not only will they have to explain what was wrong with them, now they have to apologize for blowing up at you because they kept asking a question you already knew the answer to.


     Stop asking your kids if they want pasta for dinner or burgers and fries; you already know the answer. You're just wasting oxygen. Stop offering choices when you know there's no choice to be made. Stop asking questions to make yourself appear helpless. Stop asking questions, then answering them to make yourself look smarter. Stop; just stop. Stop asking people for 100% complete honesty, then getting pissed when you get an answer you didn't want or expect. Nine times out of 10, you already know the answer, and you're asking for brutal honesty, but still hope they lie to you or tell you what you want to hear to make yourself feel better about what you're asking.


     Stop asking the same question to the same people over and over again, expecting a different answer. That's like knowing you're broke, but still putting your back card into the ATM, believing your balance is going to generate money into your account from the dark realm magically.

You know she has an issue with you going to the strip club, so why would you ask her how she feels about it, just because it's your friend's bachelor party? You knew it would be a bad idea to bring your kids along on your first date, so why would you even ask how he'd feel about it? Of course, he's not going to be an asshole and say no, but you know it's a bad idea.


     You know they're cheating in you; do you really think they're going to tell you the truth if you come right out and ask? Why are you asking questions you already know the answer to? Why are you wasting your breath? Why are you going through the motions? Why are you putting yourself, your partner, your friends through bullshit when you already know the outcome? Does she look ready to go in 5 minutes? She's not even dressed yet, still putting on her makeup. You know he doesn't want to go in the first place; he's only going to make you happy, so don't ask him if he's sure he wants to.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

HARD TO SAY PT.3

Jul 12, 2020

BY D.K. LION, CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

     Yet, another list or ridiculous questions that's just funny as hell, but people want to know these things.


Q: In the event of a first night/first date sexual encounter, who's car is used for car sex?

A: Depends on who's car is cleaner or roomier


Q: Will women view a first date at a place featuring ladies' free night (such as bowling, shooting, etc.) as him being cheap or smart with money?

A: Depends on the woman. A sensible woman will just enjoy the date. A practical woman won't be offended or even think about it at all. A ghetto chick will call him cheap. She'll intentionally show no absolutely no interest in what they're doing for the fact that it's ladies' night. She'll believe she's worth spending money on.


Q: Should men be obligated to allow women to use the men's restroom ahead of him if there's a line to the ladies' room? Should a women allow men the same courtesy?

A: Yes, and no. If there's no one waiting to use the men's room when she walked in, then there's no issue. HOWEVER, in the event there's more than one stall in that men's room, that woman just can't have her friend hold up the ENTIRE restroom because her friend's inside; she's using a stall, so there should be no reason two other men can't use those two empty stalls. She took the risk into going in the mens' room.


Q: When accepting a drink from a man, who should order the drink?

A: This is a situation that could potentially piss off a guy and fuck his head up. There are a few things to consider when addressing this subject. First, that $6 drink she's been ordering will become an $8 drink if a man orders it. When ordering the same drink with that woman sitting/standing next to him, that $8 drink just turned into a $10-$12 drink. That bartender knows you're going to pay it too because he knows you don't want to look like a cheapskate in front of that woman. Whether you pay with a $10/$5 or a $20 bill, that bartender knows he's going to get a $2 tip. Also, keep in mind that you may have met an opportunistic woman; as long as SHE'S paying, house liquor is fine; when it's HIS money, it's TOP SHELF all the way. So that $10-$12 drink just became a $15-dollar drink.; and that's without the tip. The safest thing to do is to let her order her own drink first then offer to pay.


Q: How many overnighters should go by before a woman should just expect that man's going to take a shit in her bathroom and know there's a significant possibility that it's going to stink?

A: Realistically, the first night, but he'll try to avoid it for a little while.


Q: Should a woman expect her new partner to be okay with her wearing a sexy dress or lingerie she bought for her ex initially, even if the new guy likes it and makes her feel sexy?

A: If the new man's cool with it, why not? Be upfront about it, though; don't let him find that shit out later, or make him think you got it for him. If he has an issue with it, get rid of it and go shopping for something else together.


Q: Is it wrong to recycle an expensive engagement or wedding ring?

A: Guys don't think so, but apparently a woman will dish out a swift, running kick to the dick area if her man gave her a ring he bought for someone else, no matter how much it costs. Family heirlooms are exempt from this situation.


Q: Is it wrong to give an engagement ring bought from a pawn shop?

A: Apparently not.


Q: Is a man being unreasonable for breaking up if he finds out his new lady has her ex's name tattooed on her body? Or vice-versa?

A: Absolutely not. No man wants to turn his woman over to hit it from behind, just to see, "Robert Wuz Here" or "I (Heart) Henry" tattooed on her lower back. Especially if HIS name is Mike.


Q: Should a person be expected to give up certain opposite-sex friends if they dated in the past?

A: No. Not if they're just friends, and your partner has no issues with your meeting. If you feel there may be a reason to be concerned, it's YOUR responsibility to address it and not hold it in or give in to ungrounded suspicions.


Q: Why do women think it's cute to see their diaper-wearing daughters standing in front of the TV or radio, "Booty-dancing" to the latest radio hit? Why do they feel the need to encourage it, thinking it's funny?

A: Easy, because they're ghetto-ass skanks who are pretty much a step and a half from being porn actresses or strippers.


Q: Why do black women think it's cute or endearing when their babies walk up to a random black man, thinking he's their father?

A: Because they think it's cute, their kids don't know who their father is.


Q: Who's more likely to sabotage their partner's physical fitness goals and why?

A: Men are more likely to be the saboteur. He'll get jealous of the amount of attention his woman's getting from other men, and it'll bother the fuck out of him, instead of supporting her and telling her how proud he is of her hard work and progress. His selfishness and jealous nature will eclipse his judgment.


Q: Why do men find it necessary to use the locker right next to another person in the gym when there are 80 other lockers available? Or to work out right next to another person?

A: Because they're weird, inconsiderate freaks who only care about themselves


Q: What's the maximum amount of time it should take for a person to bring up an issue in the relationship before it becomes annoying?


A: 3 Days. If a person can hold on to something their partner did that bothered them for 2 weeks before bringing it up, take that shit your grave.


Q: What's the best way to address a woman's complaint about how much weight she's gained and how she looks?

A: There isn't one. Seriously. Whatever comes out of your mouth will be fucked up.


Q: Should a person be obligated to share their food when out for dinner?

A: Nope. If they wanted to share, that's their choice to offer. Ordering something different than someone else, thinking you'll be able to try theirs, is kinda rude and presumptuous.


Q: Should a person expect special treatment at a place if their partner is the owner or manager?

A: If it happens, it happens. Should a person expect a free meal if their significant other is the manager on duty at the time? NO. Should a woman expect free drinks if her man's the bartender? Maybe 1; and just for her, not her and all her fucking friends.


Q: Should a person be offended if they're dating a service member, and they choose not to divulge details, such as their job or rank?


A: Not at all. When it comes to prior military service, some people just choose not to talk about that portion of their life. A lot of times, when women tell their friends they're dating someone in the military, one of the first questions they ask about is his job or rank. Honestly, that's none of their fucking business, as far as I'm concerned.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SECRET CRUSHED

Jul 12, 2020

BY D.K. LION & LISA JILLS

     We all need the one friend we can go to when there's something we need to get off our chest or much-needed advice. Men don't normally need such a confidant in their personal lives, especially when it comes to confiding his deepest secrets or thoughts with another man; that won't be received very well at all in the grand scheme. Men usually keep that shit to themselves, but for some reason will admit some of the dumbest shit to not only their friends but to perfect strangers as well. Such as when it comes to doing something stupid, from getting drunk and acting like an ass to some random broad he fucked last weekend when he has a woman at home.


     Women, on the other hand, won't share much information with someone she doesn't know, but what she'll share with her friends is far too much for her own good. She'll think she's strengthening their friendship, but in reality, she's possibly setting herself up to get so fucked up by her confidant or shit on by her man if he ever found out she shared their personal shit with other people.


- IF YOU CHEATED - You could easily be setting yourself up for blackmail. Be careful; now you're at the mercy of that friend who just might turn on you and snitch to your man if you piss her off enough. Your friends could lose respect for you, even alienate themselves from you to avoid the chances of their partner thinking they may be doing the same thing.


- IF YOUR PARTNER CHEATED - Don't even share if your partner cheated; you'll open yourself to a shitload of unwanted comments and advice, especially if you decide to work it out. Again, you risk alienation from your friends if your failure to heed their warnings about how constantly fucked up your man is going ignored.


- IF YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO OR, HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE ELSE - Telling your friends about a physical or emotional attraction to anyone else other than your partner leaves you wide open for jokes and comments from your friends and co-workers. Whenever the object of your attraction comes around, their jokes are meant to make you feel uncomfortable and to make fun of you. When the other guy is trying to find out what's funny when your friends are giggling every time he walks into the room or around.


- PRIVATE BUSINESS - Don't share your private business; and DEFINITELY not the business of your other friends or your man. What they tell you is what they've chosen to tell YOU, believing their secret was safe with you. It's not yours to share with anyone else. Your choice to share someone else's personal/private business, even to your very best friend, is nothing more than a violation and betrayal.


- PICTURES OR MESSAGES - If your partner takes the initiative or honors your request for romantic/sexy messages or photos, don't be fucked up and show them to your friends. Of course, men are more guilty of this, but women do it also when they feel the need to brag about their relationship or how they got their man to do something.


- SEXUAL DETAILS - Positions. Activities. Frequency. Quality or quantity. Issues or problems. All off-limits; you should be worried about what you talk about getting back to your man. Even if what you have to say is positive, men want to be the shit. They want to be the best you've ever had, no matter what age you are. Giving the impression that your sex life is, "Average" will still fuck up a man's head, just as much as if he found out you told your friends your sex is horrible.


- IN-HOUSE ATTRACTIONS - If you tell your girlfriend your man has a thing for them or if you think they may have a small crush on them, you create an uncomfortable situation between either your friend or your man. You'll make him feel like shit if he finds out you told her about it. You can also be setting yourself up to get cheated on if you're telling the wrong, "Friend" about your man's attraction.


- INSECURITIES - Sharing your concerns or suspicions about the vulnerabilities of your man's interest, fidelity, or desire to remain in your relationship is no one's business.


- PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP - Day in, day out; all you have to talk about is what's wrong with your relationship. Every day, all you have to talk about is the negative shit. Sooner or later, your friends can and will get sick of hearing about that shit. They'll start to avoid talking to you or tell you to end it or shut the fuck up and deal with it.


- BREAKUP OR DIVORCE - Any impending plans to end your relationship or marriage should be kept to yourself for so many reasons. If you have mutual friends, it's only a matter of time before it gets back to your partner. Trust me; it'll fuck things up so much worse if they hear that shit secondhand than from your own mouth. It makes you a coward; if you want to go, then go. Don't be shitty and allow your man to pay the bills and support the household while you stockpile your own money and resources so you can bail while he's at work or some shit like that. You'll open yourself to criticism from your social circle.


- MONEY ISSUES - The financial issues in your relationship is no one's business. If your man was shitty with money when you met three years ago, what the fuck makes you so shocked when they're STILL shitty with money now? The issue is that they're shitty with their money, along with yours! Your friends will be thinking the same thing, but only a TRUE friend will tell you that to your face; the rest will be saying it behind your back. Continued comments or conversations about your money problems also might come off as a hint to your friends that you may be asking or looking for a loan, which in turn will cause them to avoid or even restrict your friendship.


- INCOME - This is just stupid. Many companies have rules about discussing salaries, but should also a fucking no-brainer. If you're telling the friends you work with how much you make; you bet your ass they're going to name-drop on you when they're pissed that you were hired last, making equal to or more than they are, which in turn will cost you your job. Telling your friends outside of work how much you make will set you up to be the one they come to for a "Small" loan when/if they get into financial trouble. Also, you'll end up covering more of the cost in social situations, since you're, "Making the big bucks!"


- SEXUAL HISTORY (YOURS/PARTNERS) - You were a slut in college. Your man was a player. The two of you met at a party, drunk as fuck, and what started as a one-night stand turned into a relationship. Who cares when you're in your mid-late 30's? No one wants to know you get off on anal sex, or you man has/had a shoe fetish. What goes on in your sex life should stay with you and him. For other obvious reasons, bragging on having a fantastic sex life or history with someone will most definitely put some thoughts in the minds of some of your friends. You risk them trying to wedge themselves on the inside. To get a taste of what you've been bragging about.


- STD'S - No. Just fucking NO! You're putting yourself or your man in the cockpit of a fully-fueled, state-of-the-art, heavily armed, F-23 Judgement fighter jet. They'll form their opinions about both of you, and you better believe you'll only have to tell one person and wait a few days; everyone else will know too.


- WEAKNESSES/PHOBIAS - Why would you willingly give ANYONE the intel, tools, and ammunition to destroy you?


- DREAMS/IDEAS - The money-making idea you've been scribbling down for the past few months. That plan you put so much hard work into to save the company hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. That business you want to start. Keep all that shit to yourself because no matter how close you are to your friends, you have at least 1 or 2 who will sell you out and take your idea; they'll run your plan up the company ladder and take the credit for your hard work. That business you wanted to start just got started by the one person you told about it.


- PLANS TO QUIT YOUR JOB - Don't think for one second your friends at your job won't sell you out to the big bosses if they think it'll help them move up. If you have a job interview for another company and you tell the wrong person you think is your friend, it'll be all over the office in less than a day. You'll get that promotion all right, promoted right to the unemployment line.


- PARTNER'S EX - The issues you or your man have with his ex or the mother of his children are no one's business. All you're going to hear is what THEY would do if they were you. They're not you; they're not in your situation, and again, putting his business out in the open to your friends will get his pissed off at you.


- YOUR PARTNER'S KIDS - You may not like his kids. They may not like you. Let that shit get back to him that you're talking shit about his kids and watch what happens.


- HOW TO RAISE FRIEND'S KIDS - Telling your friends how to raise their kids is a quick, easy way to get them to tell you to fuck off and end a friendship!


- HOW THEY SHOULD DEAL WITH THEIR PARTNER - "Oh, I wouldn't put up with that if I were you!" You'll either hear it or say it. Shut up; it sounds good when you're not in the situation. Stop trying to use other people as test cases for how you wish/want to talk to your partner. Don't fuck up someone else's relationship, trying to be a tougher entity in your relationship by using them vicariously.


- WHERE TO FIND HIM (WITHOUT YOU) - His interests or hobbies are none of your friend's business, where he and his friends hang out on guys night. What gym he works out at or where he gets his groceries or gas. The bookstore he frequents. You're telling other women where to find the great man you can't stop saying good things about without you and what they should be researching to seem like a better choice than you.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

LIKE-MINDED

Jun 7, 2020

BY D.K. LION & LISA JILLS

We're known to put ourselves in weird situations where we ask weird questions. Not just weird, but borderline ridiculous and insulting. In the case of failed relationships, people will ask if some of their closest friends.


"WHY CAN'T I MEET SOMEONE LIKE YOU?"


FOR MEN: Somebody, "Like you," means they want someone who acts like you, who has her shit together like you, takes care of her business, and her man like you, but looks like someone else. He wants YOU but in a better package. What he's really asking is why, can't you be better-looking? Why can't you be thinner or more in shape? Why can't you be okay with FWB until he's ready to settle down and quit trying to fuck everything in sight? Why do you have to have kids? Why can't you be smoking hot?


When it comes to personality, They want you to LOOK like you but not be so grounded in things that make you who you are. Why can't you look the way you do and fuck him on the first night or first date? Why won't you even consider a threesome? Why do you have such an issue with his smoking weed or dressing like a thug when you hang out? What's wrong with going out and getting shit-faced drunk on the weekend? Why are you pushing and encouraging him to go back to school or learn a trade? Why are you always trying to upgrade him? Why can't you look like you, but let him continue to barely scrape the bottom of the barrel or mediocrity?


FOR WOMEN: Why can't they meet someone, "Like you"? They already know someone like you; YOU! But you're not a "Bad boy." You don't ride a motorcycle, and you're not built like a professional wrestler or bodybuilder. They want to please their friends, family, and peers first and place you farther down the road of importance. "Like you" means they like you for you, but you need to lose some weight. Your face needs to clear up a little bit. Your teeth are kind of fucked up, and her best friend's in the dental field, and she makes fun of you every chance she gets. They like being able to call on you when they need a ride to and from the bar after a night of drinking. You're that shoulder they cry on when they're complaining about the guy they turned you down to be with.


Someone, "Like you," is you, but NOT you. No matter how much you try, it's never going to be you, not until you become more of what she wants. Not until you become more of what her friends think is good enough for her. You're cool, you're a great person, and you'll make the right woman happier than she could ever imagine. You don't meet her or her friend's racial or ethnic preference. You don't make enough money. They don't want to ruin your friendship, just as long as there are other men better-looking than you, chasing her in order to hook up. "Like you" is you, but a version of you they want to fuck.


"WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON'T?"


FREE WILL: The ability to make up their minds as to who they want to pursue a relationship with; to do whatever makes them happy, no matter what others may think of them or what they're doing, as long as it's not harmful or destructive.


STRENGTH: Not the type of strength needed to overcome impossible odds, but the basic strength to stand up the people in their lives or even strangers who have an issue with their choices in life about who they're attracted to or bring into their lives. To not give a second thought to judgemental people, just because they've been raised or taught one way and you've chosen a different path.


COURAGE: To confront the critics and let them know there's no room in their lives for judgment to them or the person they want to be with, NOT who your friends or family has chosen for you.


COMFORT: Within themselves to not give a damn about how others may feel, to not sacrifice theirs or their partner's needs to please or ensure the comfort of others. The ability to express yourself and the attraction to someone else in a way that satisfies you both. They accept their flaws and shortcomings. They don't point out everything they hate about themselves every damn day.


COMPATABILITY: In your present relationship, you have differences in both personality and sexuality. One of you is unrealistic in your expectations, and someone else is more in tune with their expression of mental and physical attraction than you are. They're not worried about offending other people when it comes to PDA, non-tradition sex or communicating their feelings.


When dealing with people with this type of mentality, this is where things tend to get twisted and fuck someone's head up. Trying to hammer through or deal with something you know is an issue, just to be with someone or allow them to sacrifice who they are is wrong and selfish, not to mention pretty shitty. Nothing good can or will come from it; the chances of destroying a person's self-esteem, self-image, or confidence is more than likely. You can pretty much count on the relationship sinking at the first sign of rocky waters or if/when a better-looking, more luxurious ship sails by, taking on new passengers. Not only will you fuck up the other person's head, but you'll destroy the friendship you had before getting involved with each other.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

KNOW TIME

APR 12, 2020

BY D.K. LION

     Knowing when to go into depth and detail or answering just what's asked of you vs. volunteering information is a gift and skill most don't have. It's an omega-level mutant ability that must be harnessed and, its wielder must understand the responsibility and consequences of its misuse. Some people are naturally blacker and whiter, where others are more in the realm of grey. Everyone wants the truth to some degree, but where’s the line drawn? How much information is too much?


     Open communication is the only sure way to determine whether or not the person seeking truth requires a yes/no or an explanation/backstory. Volunteering information should always have thought behind it. Volunteering too much info at once or about a particular subject may be more damaging than helpful. Sometimes, volunteering too much or anything at all could be pointless and counterproductive; and harmful to your relationship.


     Some things just may not be your business because it involves a sensitive point in someone's past; they may not want to share or relive. Some things are best left in the dark because the person asked may already know the answer's going to cause a rift in the relationship or have some other adverse effect. One thing to remember is that just because you asked doesn't obligate an answer. It's really none of your business how many men or women your partners had sexually. In the grand scheme, why does it matter? Was it BEFORE you even met? Volunteering your sexual history is a bad thing to do as well; all you're doing is bragging, and it'll cost you sex for the night at the very least. Details of someone's sexual history, in general, is just a precursor to a potentially larger-scale issue down the line, so it's best to just leave this one alone.


     A reoccurring STD (Herpes, HPV) would be something to volunteer. When asked if you've ever had an STD like gonorrhea or syphilis, if it was ten years ago, just answer what's asked and move on. When asked if you've ever had multiple partners at the same time, Black and white, "Yes or No" is the right way to go; there's no point in a backstory. Has either of you ever cheated? Is that something you REALLY want to know?


     Wanting to know something and not getting an answer may not entirely be a bad thing; would you really want to open an emotional wound that your partner had to go through therapy to close the first time? The death of a loved one? A sexual assault? A service member's time in combat? An auto accident? Miscarriage? Divorce? These are all things that aren't important in the realm of the new relationship; curiosity is the main focus of these types of questions. Also, choosing the right time to ask something is just as important as the actual question asked, and the answer is given. Putting a person on the spot will prevent them from lying or having time to make something up might be what's going on in your head, but it could just be nothing more than they don't want to talk about it right then and there, and you'll accuse them of avoiding the subject. This tactic will almost always produce a defensive or defiant response and reaction from the both of you, turning a simple question into way more than it should've been in the first place. Sometimes, "Can we talk about this later?" is the best route to go.


     Some believe certain subjects are so important a face-to-face conversation is required; others can feel uncomfortable admitting or sharing information about themselves or their past when their partner's staring them in the face. It's easier for them to answer over the phone because they may want to share something emotional but avoid showing emotions or even crying in front of their partner.


     When do you go into depth about something? When you're asked to, plain and simple. When should you follow up on a question with an explanation? When you're asked. True, there are people who naturally feel the need to explain every answer with a backstory, but for some, that's fucking annoying, especially when you haven't even answered the question; your explanation's the answer, but all they wanted to be a YES or NO.


     Again, there will be those few subjects that are none of your business, no matter how much you believe you have a right to know. Just because you want to know doesn't mean they're going to tell you. As I said before, it could be something traumatic in that person's life or past they don't want to relive, or they know the answer's going to fuck your head up; the same will apply to someone wanting details past the YES or NO. The answer, history, or explanation behind it has nothing to do with anything going on in the present or the future. That's when you have to trust each other that leaving it where it's buried is the best for everyone involved. For example, if you've decided to forgive your spouse for being unfaithful, what does it matter what they did EXACTLY? What good would it do to the healing or reconciliation process to know the intricate details of their physical and sexual interaction? Who put what where? Whose mouth did what? The places, positions, etc.


     You know when to go into detail versus the black and white answer. Throw in volunteering, and the acceptance of things being better left unasked/answered, and you have a recipe for disaster if you don't have a strong foundation in communication. Accepting things that may not bare the best to bring up without the thought of deception is another. Sometimes it's just the wrong time to talk about it. You have to trust your partner that they have the best of the relationship in mind, and certain things may drive a wedge between the two of you instead of bringing you closer. Knowledge is power, but with power comes responsibility.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

RANDOM TRUTH

MAR 30, 2020

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL 

- Minimum Wage is an employer's way of saying, "If I could, I'd pay you less, but it's against the fucking law!!"


- ALWAYS ensure you have ass paper in the stall before taking a shit in a public restroom.


- Three people you NEVER want to piss off; 1. The cop that pulls you over. 2. Your human resources representative who makes sure your timesheet/money is always accurate. 3. The waiter/waitress who has WAY too much time with your food behind those closed doors you can't see through.


- When eating out, sending food back to the kitchen is done at your own risk.


- If you come to the gym to text, keep your ass at home.


- The benches are for working out, not for keeping your fucking water bottle and iPhone off the floor.


- Parents of bullies are either bullies themselves or shitty fucking parents.


- Only about 15% of parents KNOW their kids are being bullied; about 5% of children will admit they're being bullied, even if asked directly.


- If you're 40 years old and STILL trying to be a rapper/entertainer... STOP!!! You're not going to make it.


- If you're the front office coordinator in a Dr. office, YOU ARE NOT IN THE FUCKING MEDICAL FIELD!!!

 You're an administrator, stop telling people you're in the medical profession!


- A woman is capable of five different types of ORGASMS; vaginal, clitoral, blended, exercise, and skin (Goosebumps). If you're unable to give your lady at least two of these regularly, you're the problem.


- If you and your lady wear the same size clothes, it's time for one or BOTH of you to frequent the gym.


- Contrary to what you may have heard or think, pronouncing the "ER" or "ING" at the end of a word isn't just, "A white thing."


- There's NOTHING cute, funny, or endearing about shoving/smearing cake in the face of your new husband; the only reason a woman would do this would be to humiliate him in front of his family, friends, and guests.


- When calling a black man, "Brother" or "Bro," we can tell when it's not a normal part of your vocabulary, and you sound fucking silly. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

BRO CODE

MAR 15, 2020

BY D.K. LION 

     We know it's not part of your normal vocabulary; we we can tell by the nervous, unsure look on your face and hear it in your voice when you use it.


     Is it for our benefit? Are you trying to relate to, show solidarity, or prove your acceptance of all people, regardless of race or ethnicity? Or is it just a failed attempt to sound cool? Are you trying to be a smartass?


     Do people realize we can tell when they're using the word "Brother" or "Bro" just because of who they're around or talking directly to? Definitely not specifically limited to whites speaking in reference to blacks, it crosses pretty much every ethnic line. Still, it's also much more practiced and noticeable when black men are the intended recipient. Some black people sound just as awkward and ridiculous. Are you trying to relate to some non-existent ideas? Are you trying to make amends or a symbolic apology for slavery subconsciously? Or are you showing your stand on your view of the unfair treatment of all who are considered a minority in this country? What's the real goal of looking like a squirrel with an acorn in its mouth, looking around, trying to figure out where that cracking branch sound came from?


     Are you trying to be or look cool? Do you say it out of habit, or because others around you do it? Is it as simple as trying to sound like your friends or people you WANT to be friends with? It's not who you are, and it's not how you usually speak. Not just when it comes to, "Bro," but slang in general. Monday morning through Friday afternoon, you speak as if you're giving a presentation to the chairman of the board. Still, on the weekends, you're the foremost expert in popular culture vocabulary. Everyone who knows you knows you don't speak that way, and they're looking at you like, "What the hell? Who are you?"


     It's just not who you are; it's no less ridiculous when you hear people use the word, "Dude."

"Brother" or "Bro" can also be used and taken sarcastically and or in a condescending manner when in conversation with someone, trying to make a point or prove they're superiority. It's all about the tone and the intent that makes the difference. Hearing it day in and day out is annoying. It doesn't make you a member of the club. It's not a race or ethnic issue in any way; it's your sound dumb as fuck thing, and you're trying too hard to be accepted into a particular group. It doesn't guarantee you a slot into any social circle, and most people are sick of hearing it.


     It's not a compliment or term of masculine endearment; it's a weak attempt to show something they can't even identify for themselves. It's a poor attempt to show support for a person's race, especially when that person of a particular color is the only person you use that phrase too. If black men are the only people you refer to as "Brother," you're insulting the hell out of him. You're singling him out because of his race, thinking he deserves or needs to be reminded of what his skin color is and how he's viewed in the eyes of society when he just wants to fit in and be considered to be in an equal. "Bro" makes that hard, especially when you say it in front of other people; you're bringing more attention to his/her ethnicity and race than if you had said nothing.


     It's the same as referring to a black woman as a "Sista." All Latino women aren't, "Chica"; and so forth. When all else fails, just leave the identifiers in your pocket and be yourself. You'll be judged more when you use qualifiers and identifiers to show your desire to fit in. "Bruh" and, "Brah" is even worse; why would any man answer or respond to anything that remotely sounds like the name of a woman's undergarment? "Bro's before hoes" is the pinnacle of dumb-ass things to say, while trying to be cool. Be yourself; stop trying to fit in. We know that's not you talk, so don't be pissed if some people take it as you making fun of them, based on the same reason you're using the phrase; their race.  


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SPEED DEMON

MAR 08, 2020

BY D.K. LION 

     Most people rush for one of three main purposes; to get somewhere, they really don't want to go or be in the first place, someplace they should've taken their time and much longer to get to and to go or do absolutely nothing special. Some people rush and are in a hurry out of impatience. Whether excitement. They're so excited to get somewhere, the anticipation of arrival is so overwhelming, or their entitlement makes them feel as if where they have to go is more important than anyone else on the road, in the air or even in the water.


     Why are we in such a rush to grow up? As children, we have this magically fantastic idea that life will be so much easier and fun when we don't have to listen to our parents anymore. No more early bedtimes, we can eat junk food whenever we want, we can watch porn, drink, drive, do whatever we desire. We have everything planned for when we grew up; we're an unstoppable force, nothing's going to shackles us again, and we're going make our own rules. Then real life gives us a running soccer-style front kick, right to the balls.


- HABIT - We're in a hurry out of habit. We're used to always being on the go, and we just don't know how or when to slow things down, take our time, and enjoy anything on the way to where we're going. Literally or metaphorically, we can't/won't stop to enjoy the sites or experience of our journey. A habit has us running in circles or flying down the highway. We couldn't slow down even if we wanted to, not without someone grabbing us by the collar and holding us down. We make excuses as to why we're in a rush. You'll justify your speeding ticket because "Everyone else was going 10-15 miles an hour faster". Why were YOU singled out?


- TIME MANAGEMENT - We're the kings and queens of the "Snooze" button. We're in a hurry because we're always waiting until the last minute to wake up, get in the shower, get dressed, or to walk out the door. We want to walk in right when we're SUPPOSED to be there. We have to be at work by 8; we're running up the stairs and to the time clock at 7:58. Being early seems like a waste when you can stay in bed for just a few more minutes. Getting to the bar/club 10 minutes faster to get that first drink or to scope out the action has us hauling ass. We're in a hurry because we don't want to be standing around, waiting; we want everyone to wait on us. You're weaving in and out of traffic without the slightest thought to using your signal, and most of the time, you're in a ridiculous hurry to get nowhere special or somewhere you don't want to be anyway.


- FEEL LIKES YOU'RE WASTING TIME - If we're not rushing, we feel like we're wasting time. Being in a hurry validates our place in our little slice of the world.


- AVOIDANCE (ESCAPE) - People rush to avoid dealing with things that may be difficult. Piling on or jumping from one thing to another deflects attention, possible pain, or taking responsibility. People are in a hurry to escape a situation they may be caught in the middle. Rushing!


- FEAR - We rush in fear of being late, completing work/home projects. We're afraid if we don't hurry, we'll miss out on something that may not even be there or come to us at all.


- FEEL/APPEAR MORE IMPORTANT - To avoid judgment. A sense of accomplishment. The thrill of always being on the go; to give yourself and those around you the sense that you're present in any environment is more important than anyone else's. In the workplace, we'll rush to make ourselves appear more important or indispensable to the company.


- BUSY - We just HAVE to be doing something. We'll take on more than what we can handle just to be on the go. We rush, so no one questions our efforts. We don't want to be seen as lazy or not pulling our weight, so we rush and rush, a good portion of the time causing more problems than if we'd taken our time and done things slower and correctly. The fact that we finished first but incorrectly means more than finishing in the average amount of time and having it done right. We don't want to be seen as "Slackers."


- SELF-WORTH/GUILT - We're scared of what others will think of us if we're not in a rush. Our value comes from how others see them, and we see us hauling ass from task to task. We feel guilty if we're not in a hurry. We relate our self-worth to our achievements and success. What better way to prove ourselves than to be seen going and going.


- COMPETITION - We rush to finish first. We HAVE to finish first. It's important for us to finish first. Our self-worth is dependent on being in the top percentage of finishers, whether done correctly or not.


- CONTROL - We feel as if we're not rushing, we'll get passed over by everyone around us. If we don't do everything ourselves and do it fast, life will fall apart.


- LAZY - We rush because we waited until the last minute to get started, and the deadline's coming up before we know it. It's easier for us to rush out of muscle memory and habit than to slow down and put thought into what we're doing. Rushing lets us move on auto-pilot instead of putting actual thought into what's going on around us and what we're doing.


- PRESSURE - We take on so much to be liked by so many people, we have to rush to get everything done; we rush to make everything we take on seem easy for us to sail through. We rush out of pressure to perform and deliver results. We rush out of pressure to please others.


- FALSE PERCEPTION - We hurry and rush through things because we feel there's something better for us as soon as we get through whatever's in front of us at the moment. The grass is seen as being greener on the other side. But we have to get through the grass we're standing in at the moment.


- IMPATIENCE - We rush because we want to get through something to move on to something else because we feel as if we get wrapped up in something for too long; we'll get bored, or others will see us as wasting time.


- TO GET THROUGH SOMETHING - Wanting to get something over with, such as sex, an uncomfortable conversation, subject, or action.


     For whatever reason, we're in a hurry, most likely it's because we're focused on ourselves and for selfish reasons. A speedy completion or solution isn't always the best, and the chances of causing more issues and damage than if we took our time is almost always a probability if not a certainty. Slow down, take your time, and you'll not only get through it, but you'll reduce the chances of any accidents. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

MOLEHILL MOUNTAIN

MAR 01, 2020

BY D.K. LION 

     You did or said something mildly offensive or something that bothered your significant other. They caught you red-handed in the cookie jar and, it wasn't that big a deal. At worst, you spend a half-hour to a day in the doghouse for what you did, but instead of just taking your lumps, you decided to make shit worse by either lying about it or trying to bullshit your way out of trouble entirely.


     You got busted doing something that didn't seem like a big deal to you, but it was someone else. It never occurred to you how someone else took what you said or did until they said something to you about it. Again, instead of admitting what you did, apologizing for it, and taking your lumps, you decided to either lie about it or tried to talk your way out. The sad part is what you did wasn't even that bad, but you made it worse by lying about it. You compounded the situation by trying to talk your way out of it, which is going to irritate the fuck out of the person you offended.


     You got caught checking some woman out at the store or the club, and instead of reassuring your lady that other woman doesn't hold a candle to her, you'll lie and tell her you weren't even looking or you'll play stupid and ask, "What girl?" You know you got caught, and your lady knows you're guilty, so why not just accept you're not getting any ass tonight, and by tomorrow, the whole incident probably would be forgotten, or at least you could come back and redeem yourself. Instead, you decided to lie about it altogether, or you think you're smart enough to talk your way out of trouble.


     Instead of admitting the guy/girl who keeps looking at you is an ex, someone you dated a long time ago or during the three months you and your partner were broken up. They could be just someone you know from the bar, the gym, work, etc. You'll lie and say you have no idea who they are or why they're looking at you, or you'll make up some shit about how they like you, but never did anything with them. Irritated that this seemingly random person keeps looking at you or your partner, the rest of your night's fucked. You'll be watching your partner, watching that other person who's watching you trying not to watch them looking at you, all the while, trying not to get caught watching that other person by your partner.


     Then the worst happens; that other person walks over and says hello and introduced themselves as a co-worker, your partner's personal trainer, or someone they know from somewhere else. Now you're a liar, and you've given your partner a reason to be pissed and to question you; all because you didn't want to admit you knew them. Their newfound mistrust in you was initiated by your doing.


     The same goes for women; she went out on Saturday night with her friends and told you she'd be home by midnight. Strolling in shortly after 1 AM, instead of just admitting she was having fun and lost track of time, she told you the car wouldn't start, or she had to take someone home who was drunk. Even worse, she'll remind you of the last time you went out and didn't come home when you said you would either.


     The issue isn't mistrust; the problem is, instead of admitting the truth, you chose to make things worse by lying or trying to talk your way out. Your lie unraveled, and NOW there's mistrust. You're wondering what she was REALLY doing when she was out that made her lie about it. You pissed her off and insulted her by thinking you could talk your way out of trouble when all you had to do was tell precisely what happened. You weren't even checking out that girl; you were trying to see if her jersey was an authentic or cheap replica because it's your favorite team, and your lady was trying to see what type of sneakers he had on because she knows you like that brand. All you had to do was say that. But NO, you had to make up some bullshit, and now you're in hotter water.

 

     Just be upfront; you got caught, even if you were checking someone else out. If you lost track of time and came home later than you said you would own up to it. Whatever the infraction, don't make it worse by adding bullshit or mistrust into the mix. And don't even think about deflecting the blame to the other person, trying to make them feel guilty of being suspicious; that'll make things even worse. In the end, not only will you have to make amends for what you did, you may have a long road to forgiveness for making a molehill into a mountain. You have no one to blame but yourself.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

HOMEMADE 

FEB 02, 2020

BY D.K. LION AND LISA JILLS

     We just couldn't wait to get old enough to leave home; now that time has come and gone, and you're in your late 20's to early '30s, still living in the basement, or just down the street from where you were born or grew up. Especially when living in a small town, it may seem like the perfect place to raise a family, create a life, and grow old. However, that doesn't leave you with much life experience to pass on to the children you want to have or even make you remotely interesting to any woman outside of the place you live. You have to leave home; you have to get away from your hometown, at least temporarily.


     College. Military. Overseas volunteer work. You can always come back, but at least you left and discovered something about yourself and the world around you. There are actually people in their late 40s-50s who've never left the comfort of the city or neighborhood they were conceived in. They live down the street from their grammar school, work 2 blocks away from their parents' home, and hang out at the exact same bowling alley they did when they were younger.


     Leaving home will give you a sense of true independence. Breaking the comfort zone and being your own person. You put yourself in the position to solve your own problems; no more mom and dad are bailing you out. Along with independence comes unrealized freedom. Freedom to make choices for yourself based on your individuality. Freedom for yourself and your parents; they did their job, now it's time for them to enjoy being together and reap the benefits of their hard work and raising their children. Leaving home will increase social confidence; it'll give you the ability to approach others and initiate relationships, both professional and personal. Money management skills. Learning to prioritize and accept responsibility for your purchases.


     Leaving home instills the realization of your inner strength and capabilities. Leaving home increases your sense of accomplishment when you achieve your goals. You learn self-reliance.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

HARD TO SAY PT. 2 

Dec 22, 2019

BY D.K. LION, CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

     Here's another list of weird questions we've been asked that's just mind-blowing.


Q: How many dates should go by before it's okay to talk about sexual preferences without being a creepy pervert in her eyes?

A: Certain things should be discussed ASAP to prevent wasting time if you're preferences don't mesh. Not to say they should be talked about on the first meeting or first date, but definitely WAY before starting a physical relationship or before any emotional ties begin, in case the two of you don't see eye to eye. For example, If she thinks oral sex is gross or she thinks, "Doggy style" is a demeaning sexual position, both of which you enjoy, there's no point in continuing to get to know each other. It would be better to find that out early on and avoid looking like an ass for bailing later because she won't blow you or take the dick from behind.


Q: Who should decide when it's time to introduce the kids?

A: It should be a mutually agreed-upon decision. A woman may not want to parade every guy she goes out with in front of her kids, and every man may not want to meet her kids too soon because his mom did the same thing the woman's trying to avoid. Regardless, it shouldn't be forced or expected from either side, and there's no set timetable for this event. It'll happen when both people are comfortable with it.


Q: When moving in together, how do you decide who's appliances or property to keep?

A: Easy; whatever's newer and nicer; UNLESS it's something that holds significant sentimental value.


Q: Who's bed stays, and who's bed goes?

A: That's a hard one. It depends on who was the last person to sleep on it. The easy answer would be to toss them BOTH out and get a new one. If that's a financial impossibility, the larger bed should stay, unless the other bed was newer.


Q: Is it wrong for a person to not want to sleep in the same bed as their partner's former spouse?

A: Not at all. However, I think a person would have a harder time sleeping on a bed their partner shared with a former spouse, rather than someone they had a relationship with, especially men. A man would have a harder time sleeping in a bed his woman shared with her ex-husband than a woman would have slept in a bed her man shared with his ex-wife.


Q: Does a person have the right not to want their children raised by or around another person after a breakup?

A: Absolutely Not! It always manages to crack me the hell up to hear about a guy telling his ex he doesn't want another man around his kids, or a woman screaming about how she doesn't want, "Another bitch around her kids." When they left, they lost the right to demand anything in terms of how that parent raises their kids, as long as there's no abuse or neglect. If another person enters their dynamic, the respectful thing to do is try to sit down with the ex and discuss expectations, discipline, etc. But that's nothing more than a courtesy.


Q: What's the REAL purpose of a bachelor/bachelorette party?

A: Nothing more than the last chance to do some dirty shit before getting married. For women, it's an excuse to live out her fantasies of being a freak. There are considerably fewer restrictions for women when it comes to what they can get away with when attending shows featuring male strippers. The truth? It's not uncommon for women to give those men oral sex or handjobs as opposed to men going to strip clubs. To men, it's a "Hall pass." A man who views his bachelor party as his "Last night of freedom" Shouldn't be getting married; he may love his fiancee', but he isn't TRULY ready to be married if he believes his, "Freedom" is in jeopardy.


Q: After breaking up, should expensive gifts be returned? If so, what's the dollar amount or pre-requisites?

A: Depends on the gift. If it holds personal or sentimental value, yes, otherwise, what the hell is a woman going to do with a returned pair of $200 sneakers? What would a guy do with a designer purse? Video game system? Laptop? HD television? Jewelry? Tires for the car? Blue-ray player? Absolutely! Dollar amount? $150.


Q: Should the engagement/wedding ring be returned after divorce?

A: There's no law saying an engagement/wedding ring has to return unless it's proven to be a family heirloom. A woman who chooses NOT to return a ring is choosing not to do so for one reason & one reason only, REVENGE. Especially if she knows he spent a considerable amount of money on it. She'll hold on to it, knowing the right thing to do is return it. She'll hold on to it out of malcontent and spite, or she'll be damned if he returns it and ends up with the money for it.


Q: Even if the children are from former relationships, which should be in charge of discipline?

A: Discipline should be discussed between both parents BEFORE imposing any type of punishment. I believe the man of the house should be the one to dish out the punishments. It reaffirms his standing as the head of the house, and the inclination to not repeat the behavior will traditionally be taken more seriously when a guy enforces discipline.


Q: Who chooses the radio station when a couple is in the car together, and they have different tastes in music?

A: Normally, the driver, but it also should be shared.


Q: Who's more likely to become suspicious of their partner losing weight and dressing different or better than average?

A: The woman. If he usually's dressing in his "Thug gear" when he goes out with her, but wearing jeans and polo shirts with his friends, there are some questions she needs to be asking him. On the flip side, If she's, "Soccer mom incarnate" when she goes out with her man, but dresses sexier when she goes out with HER friends, HE should be asking the same questions. A man will wonder why his lady wants to lose weight all of a sudden, and a woman will wonder why her man's dressing classier.


Q: Who should have the sex talk with the kids?

A: That's a tough one to answer. On the one hand, a boy would feel more comfortable discussing with his father, but in a single-parent home, not many boys would be forthcoming about their experiences up to that point with their mother. They sure as hell don't want to even THINK about the shit their mother might have done in her younger years, based on what girls his age are doing now. No young man wants to imagine his mom sucking dick and swallowing, or taking the dick from behind. A young woman won't be nearly as open with her experience or curiosity about sex with her father, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to even think about what guys are saying about his, "Little girl" much less about what she's probably done up to that point. No father wants to find out his daughter was DP'd by two black guys last semester during a party at her friend's house.


Q: Who gives up their car if one loses their job and can't afford to keep both? HIS vehicle is four years older, but payments are cheaper. HER vehicle is a current model, but payments are higher.

A: The logical choice would be to give up the older car. The newer car may have higher payments, but the chances of needing a repair they can't afford is lower.


Q: In the event of a trade-up to a newer model vehicle, who gets the new car?

A: It honestly depends on what type of woman you have. A sensible woman will consider economics, gas efficiency, safety rating, travel, distance, etc. A selfish woman will want the new car, even if it was the man's car that was traded in, HIS money that went to the down payment, and HIS credit the car is attached to. She'll also feel she has an equal right to decide what he drives off the lot with.


Q: Do women not understand how it may be insulting to a man if she plays with them while they're having sex?

A: Not really. Women don't realize how fucked up a man's head can get if she's riding him, and she reaches down and starts playing with herself; it gives him the impression he does not please her, and she has to take care of herself.


Q: When at your partner's place, who decides the TV program?

A: Mutual decision.


Q: Moving into an apartment that only permits one pet, who's pet stays, and who's pet goes?

A: Shedding. Age. Cost. Size of pets about the apartment. All of these should be considered when making this decision. At the very least, try to find someone you both know willing and able to take the pet not kept. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

THE DARNEDEST THINGS PT. 2 

Dec 15, 2019

BY D.K. LION

     Looking back, most of the things our parents told us are funny as hell when we think about it. At the time, we wanted to believe our parents were the epitome of all-knowing, an all-inclusive warehouse of knowledge. We felt our parents would NEVER lie to us about anything. Everything they told us was the truth, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. We trusted our parents to be upfront and 100% honest, regardless of what we asked. However, there was just some shit we were told that makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.


     This taste delicious, this is the best drawing ever, No, you're not getting a shot today. The dog ate all your Halloween candy. Mom and I were just wrestling. You sing like an angel. There are lies you tell your kids, knowing they're going to grow out of them fairly quickly. Others, however, stuck with us for quite a bit longer, even into adulthood. Still, some of them are hilarious when you think about it.


- SITTING TOO CLOSE TO THE TV WILL MAKE YOU NEARSIGHTED. Nope. You sit too close to the TV BECAUSE you're nearsighted.


- A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS. A pot with no heat under it never boils.


- THE ICE CREAM TRUCK PLAYS MUSIC WHEN THEY'RE OUT OF ICE CREAM.


- READING IN THE DARK CAUSES EYE DAMAGE. It causes eye fatigue and strain, but no deterioration or damage.


- CHOCOLATE CAUSES ACNE.


- IF YOU GO OUTSIDE WITH WET HAIR, YOU'LL CATCH A COLD. You can't catch a virus through wet hair; you have to be exposed to the illness to contract an illness. Damp hair or dry, you're equally prone to catching a cold.


- BLOWING INTO THE VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE MAKES IT WORK.


- A ROADRUNNER RUNS AT A TOP SPEED OF 20 MPH; A COYOTE RUNS AT 40 plus.


- YOU ALWAYS MUST WEAR A SEAT BELT unless you're on a school bus.


- KIDS ARE MEAN TO YOU BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOU. I'd rather they hate me and be nice.


- WATCHING A MICROWAVE WHILE COOKING WILL CAUSE EYE DAMAGE FROM THE RADIATION.


- EATING CARROTS WILL IMPROVE YOUR VISION. Your body converts beta-carotene into vitamin A which promotes eye health, but not give you night, super, or x-ray vision.


- SWALLOWING YOUR GUM WILL STAY IN YOUR SYSTEM FOR YEARS. Not true.


- COFFEE WILL STUNT YOUR GROWTH. To kids, coffee needs an insane amount of sugar for taste; the only thing it'll do it gives you a sugar high and keep you awake.


- YOU HAVE TO WAIT 30 MINUTES BEFORE GETTING BACK INTO THE WATER. Lie. Parents tell kids that probably because they want/need a break from playing chaperone or lifeguard.


- TOUCHING A FROG OR TOAD WILL GIVE YOU WARTS. Warts are actually a HUMAN skin disease, even though toads do have them.


- IF YOU KEEP MAKING THAT FACE IT'LL STICK THAT WAY. Is that why you look the way you do?


- IF YOU SNEEZE WITH

 YOUR EYES OPEN, THEY'LL POP OUT OF YOUR HEAD.


- IF YOU HOLD IN A SNEEZE, IT'LL BLOW OUT YOUR EARDRUM OR EXPLODE YOUR ASSHOLE.


- HOLDING IN A SNEEZE IS HOW PEOPLE GOT HEMORRHOIDS.


- CRACKING YOUR KNUCKLES CAUSES ARTHRITIS. The popping sound you hear is fluid, flooding the space between the joints to prevent your knuckles from grinding together.


- BECAUSE I SAID SO. Translation: I have no answer; just fucking do it.


- IT WON'T HURT. Bullshit! If you have to TELL me it's not going to hurt; you're saying it's REALLY going to hurt.


- IF YOU HOLD IN A FART FOR TOO LONG, IT'LL COME OUT YOUR MOUTH.


- YOUR NOSE WILL GROW WHEN YOU LIE.


- YOU WON'T LIKE IT. Translation: I don't want to share my dessert with you, or I know if you drink out of my bottle, you'll backwash it, you nasty little bastard.


- SANTA CLAUSE ACTUALLY HATES MILK AND COOKIES. He likes nachos and liquor.


- THE INTERNET SHUTS OFF ALL OVER THE WORLD AT 7 PM. So, you have to get off.


- IF YOU DON'T USE YOUR SIGNAL, THE CAR WON'T TURN.


- YOU NEED GYM CLASS TO GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL. Is THAT why there are so many dumb-ass fat kids running around with GED'S?


- WHEN IT RAINS, ANGELS ARE CRYING BECAUSE WE WERE BAD.


- OIL STAINS IN THE STREET COMES FROM KIDS WHO GET RUN OVER BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T WATCHING FOR TRAFFIC.


- CEMETERIES ARE PEOPLE FARMS.


- IF YOU GET LOST OR WALK AWAY IN THE GROCERY STORE, THE BOOGEYMAN WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU.


- WE'LL COME BACK TO THE STORE NEXT WEEK AND GET IT. They're hoping you'll forget about it by the next day.


- SANTA CLAUSE IS WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO. Santa's a voyeuristic pedophile.


- THE WATER CHANGES COLOR IF YOU PEE IN THE POOL.


- IF YOU PLAYED WITH FIRE, YOU'LL WET THE BED. What's funny is bedwetting, and starting fires are two of the three psychological precursors to being labeled a serial killer. The third is animal abuse. It's called the homicidal triad.


- IF YOU OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS, YOU'LL GET ELECTROCUTED.


- MANNEQUINS WERE THE BODIES OF PEOPLE FROM DEATH ROW.


- EATING RAW COOKIE DOUGH GIVES YOU WORMS.


- EATING SWEETS BEFORE BED GIVES YOU NIGHTMARES.


- IF YOU GET OUT, OF BED AFTER BEDTIME, THE PEOPLE UNDER YOUR BED WILL SLICE YOUR ANKLES SO YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY.


- YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO FAST FOOD. Vegetables are medicine.


- CHOCOLATE MILK COMES FROM BROWN COWS.


- BREAKING A MIRROR, WALKING UNDER A LADDER, OR SPLITTING A TELEPHONE POLE WILL GIVE YOU 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK.


- IF YOU STEP ON A MANHOLE COVER, IT WILL COLLAPSE AND YOU'LL FALL DOWN INTO HELL.


     You may laugh now and think these are funny, but trust me, when you're a kid, and your entire belief system is founded in the trust and my belief in whatever your parents told you, that shit fucked your head up; some of it you may still believe to this day, even tell you own children. You know it's ridiculous, but could it be real? Not likely, but what if?   


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

TRUTH VOL. 3

Dec 8, 2019

BY LISA JILLS, CHARLES AND SAMUEL

- Men will walk around the locker room at the gym butt-ass naked with their towel over their shoulders instead of around their waist. Men will also shower with the fucking curtain wide open.


- No man over the age of 16 should EVER wear his ball cap backward unless performing an activity that requires it. Kicking it at the bar with a hat turned backward makes you look like a fucking idiot.


- Most men have no idea of the difference between like, love and lust.


- If someone tells you they're not looking for anything serious and you choose to accept that, they aren't a tease or player when they run for the door when you start to develop feelings for them. They told you the truth from the beginning.


- No matter how much a man hates another man, he'll NEVER mess with another man's car. Piss off a woman and that's one of the first things she goes for.


- In reference to Valentine's Day. If you need a calendar day to bring home flowers, take your lady somewhere special, and tell her how much you love her, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! Every day you wake up to a partner who makes you happy and meets your needs selfishly, it should technically be Valentine's Day!


- Erectile Dysfunction. If you can't get hard, or you need to take a pill to fuck your partner but can get turned on by another woman or porn, you don't have E.D., You're just not interested in fucking your partner anymore.


- Women will use words like THICK and CURVY to avoid admitting they're just fucking big/overweight/obese. There's nothing wrong with being a BBW. Just be honest about your size.


- An underage girl will lie about her age to a guy she REALLY likes or wants. She'll dress provocatively to entice or seduce an older guy because she feels guys her own age are too immature, or she thinks she' too hot for them.


- Everyone you're attracted to won't be attracted to you!


- Just because he/she checks you out doesn't mean they want to fuck you.


- Ladies, every man who goes out for the night isn't looking to fuck or wants your stank ass grinding upon him, even if he's single. And that doesn't mean he's gay either. On a side note, every man doesn't want your hands all over him. Because you may like the way he's built doesn't give you permission to grope him. How would you feel if someone grabbed your ass or your crotch because he liked the way YOU were built? Same thing.


- Men will avoid using a condom if he can get away with it.


- Even if he's getting his ass handed to him in a fight, a man won't hit or kick another man in the crotch, but a woman will.


- Men who fight inside the bar/club are bitches; their ego won't let them walk away like a man, but if they're getting their ass kicked, they know security will come to break it up before any SERIOUS damage occurs.


- More white women are actually attracted to and interested in dating black men; their reluctance comes from concern over what their friends or family will think/say.


- There are white women who are solely interested in white men who should understand and realize they're not built, shaped, or have the type of figure the average white guy would be attracted to. White women who are seen as THICKER are more appealing to black and Hispanic men, which bother these women. While it is their choice to not be interested in these men, they'll get offended by being approached, instead of taking it as the compliment it's meant to be.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

DARNEDEST THINGS PT. 1

Dec 1, 2019

BY D.K. LION 

     Who can forget those crazy things our parents used to say when we were growing up? They made us mad as hell at the time, but you can't help but laugh now.


- MONEY DON'T GROWN ON TREES! No shit.


- CLOSE THE DOOR! YOU TRYING TO HEAT UP THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD?


- BECAUSE I SAID SO!


- I LOVE YOU; NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. What the fuck?


- I'M NOT YOUR MAID.


- WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PLAYING BALL IN THE HOUSE? Fine, I'll go to the bathroom and play with my balls!


- LIFE AIN'T FAIR, THEN YOU DIE.


- ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR JUST IN CASE YOU GET INTO AN ACCIDENT. If I get into an accident, more than likely, I'll either be covered in blood, or I probably shit myself.


- IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. Hell, I'd would never speak again.


- IF YOU'RE TOO FULL TO FINISH YOUR VEGETABLES, YOU'RE TOO FULL FOR DESSERT. Dammit!


- HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT IF YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED IT? I don't have to try rat poison to know I don't want to eat it!


- IF EVERYONE ELSE JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU DO THE SAME?


- STOP CRYING, OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT! If you keep hitting me, of course, I'm going to keep crying.


- HOLD YOUR HORSES!


- WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I HAD TO WALK 10 MILES ONE WAY TO SCHOOL. Stop. No, you didn't.

- YOU'RE NOT MADE OF GLASS.


- WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN? Does the county hospital count?


- YOU'LL LIVE. Unfortunately.


- THIS WILL HURTS ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU. Funny; you're the one with the belt, and I'm the one getting his ass whipped.


- I BROUGHT YOU IN THIS WORLD, AND I'LL TAKE YOU OUT. Your mom's an assassin.


- BEAT THE STREET LIGHTS HOME.


- IF YOU GO JAIL, I'M NOT COMING TO GET YOU. Careful, you might end up with a son and a son-in-law.


- ONE DAY YOU'LL HAVE ONE JUST LIKE YOU. So, what exactly did YOU do that was so fucked up that YOU got ME?


- WE'LL SEE. Tease.


- WHEN YOU FALL AND BREAK YOUR LEG, DON'T COME HOME CRYING.


- WHEN YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A KID, I'LL STOP TREATING YOU LIKE ONE.


- DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. You just told me to go to hell.


- AS LONG AS YOU'RE UNDER MY ROOF, YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY... What if we're outside?


- DO YOU HAVE TOY MONEY? ClassiC when you asked for a toy when you're at the store.


- DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF.


- DON'T YOU CALL THIS HOUSE COLLECT. Just call; I won't pick up. When they ask you to state your name, just say, "I made it to uncle Mike's safe and sound."


- DON'T CALL ME AT WORK UNLESS THE HOUSE ON FIRE. If the house is on fire, where the hell am I going to call you from; home?


- LET HIM FALL AND CRACK HIS ASS OPEN; HE'LL LEARN.


- WHY WOULD I PAY FOR YOU PLAY A SPORT WHEN YOU CAN RUN AROUND OUTSIDE FOR FREE?


- YOU DON'T NEED A DENTIST; TIE A STRING TO THE TOOTH, THEN TO THE DOORKNOB AND SLAM IT.


- BETTER BEAT THEM STREET LIGHTS HOME.


- I'M NOT THEIR PARENT AND THEY AREN'T MY KID.


- I'M NOT HERE FOR YOU TO LIKE. Good, because I don't right now.


- YOU'VE LOST IT? WHERE DID YOU HAVE IT LAST? What the hell kind of question is that? If I knew, it wouldn't be lost.


- CAN'T SPELL IT? LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY. How can I look it up if I can't spell it?


- ARE YOUR LEGS BROKEN? Give a smartass answer, and they just might end up broken.


- SOMEBODY BETTER BE DEAD OR BLEEDING.


- YOU JUST HAVE BIG BONES. Nope, you're just fucking fat.


- I DIDN'T ASK HOW IT GOT THERE; I SAID PICK IT UP.


- YOU'RE TOO SICK TO GO TO SCHOOL; YOU'RE TOO SICK TO PLAY OUTSIDE. Double dammit!


- STOMP UP ONE MORE STEP AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.     


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

EZ AS PIE

Oct 6, 2019

BY D.K. LION 

     When talking about players, there's one type that goes beyond the typical player mentality; you can't even really classify them as a player in the pop culture sense because their motivation and tactics are different on every level. They don't exhibit normal player behavior, but they have the ability to fuck a woman's head up, nonetheless. He's the "Zombie" Player. We'll call him the "Ze" for short. (Pronounced Zee)


      The Ze is pure primal; just like a horror movie zombie, who's driven by basic needs, a zombie by concept craves flesh and brains. The Ze is no different; his basic need is pussy. He doesn't care who she is, what she looks like, how big or small she is, her relationship status, or how old she is (As long as she's legal). He just wants to fuck. A zombie's only focused on what's directly in front of them, and a Ze is no different. He only cares about fucking for that night. He's not concerned about the next night, getting to know anything more about her than what's necessary in order to fuck her that night. He doesn't care about anything else you have to say, and his body language will reflect it without a doubt.


      The Ze isn't REALLY a player because he doesn't have the interest or patience to try to win you over. He won't use smooth lines or, "Game" to fuck or set something up for later; he'll come right out and let you know what he's all about. He doesn't care about quality; he wants easy results. Easy, effortless, results. His true goals will seep from every pore like sweat after an intense cardio workout. Thirty seconds after his approach, and he's already trying to get his arm around your waist, rubbing your lower back or your ass. He's trying to get behind you on the dance floor, on his lap, or standing in-between his legs. He's trying to whisper in your ear or kiss your neck after only a minute or 2.


      Just like a brain-eater, the Ze can't be talked down or reason with, his path can't be detoured or deviated. They don't want to meet a good, decent woman; not unless she's fucking him that night. Tomorrow night isn't promised to him, and he's not concerned about it. Tomorrow's another day; it's too far away, and that's when he'll focus on it. Don't expect him to spend the night, and he doesn't want you to think you'll sleep over at his place. Don't even expect to get to HIS place. If he can get you to suck his dick or fuck him in the back seat of YOUR car, that's what he'll do. He doesn't want you to know where he lives in case you get hooked on him or want revenge for fucking you over. Don't expect him to speak or acknowledge you the next time he sees you, whether it's the next night or the weekend unless he can't find some new pussy.


      The Ze is a loner; he has friends, but when it comes to pussy, he'll sell most of his friends out for a fuck. He knows it, and so do they. He won't risk losing out on pussy that could've been his to someone he's hanging out with; he's too selfish for that. On the flip side, if another Ze offers him a piece of the pussy he's fucking, he won't hesitate to fuck it, especially if he has no prospects for himself. When it comes to him going out for pussy, another man is a competition or a hurdle.


      He doesn't care what women think about him or what other men say about him. He's getting pussy; that's his drive, his motivation. Pussy is his flesh and brains. He doesn't give a shit about what some other woman has to say about him; he's not even fucking her, and he's not interested in trying to fuck her. She doesn't exist to him, so her opinion means absolutely nothing. He will, however, gets pissed at another woman who calls herself, "Warning" other women about him. He'll get shitty and react shitty towards her.


      He doesn't care if you're cute or fit. She could look like she was assembled from spare parts by a 5-year-old and built like a cement mixer; if he can fuck you, he'll say you're cute because you're not used to hearing it, and it makes you feel good. He hopes that'll get him close to getting the ass. He picks easy targets. He only looks for bigger, unattractive, lonelier women who appear to have significantly lower self-esteem and self-image. He'll walk past a group of women he'd normally be attracted to for a piece of ass who's giving off the vibe that she hasn't had many offers. He'll make her feel as if she's on the same level as attractive, more desireable women. He's looking for the best of the worst. He'll avoid women that appear to require a personal interest or emotional investment before she'll sleep with him. He won't offer to buy her a drink or even ask for her last name, much less her phone number. That'll be his excuse for not reaching out to her for the whole week he didn't call or text, and he'll blame HER for not offering.


      The Ze doesn't give any thought to how he gets the pussy, as long as he gets it. He doesn't care if you're single, married, in a relationship, damaged, or have the worst self-esteem on earth; he just wants to fuck. If she's married, he won't care if her husband wants to watch or even participate, as long as the Ze is relatively certain it won't get around to anyone he knows. He'll allow or do questionable shit if he can get away with it. He'll stroke or take a blow job from another man if he can fuck his wife afterward.


      A Ze will fuck you with no ties to you, even if he knows you're looking for more. He knows you know he's not interested in anything about you unless you're going to fuck him, and he knows you'll do it because you're sick of being lonely. He wants to fuck you the way they do in porn, and he knows you'll let him.


      How do you deal with a Ze? The same way you'd deal with a zombie; run the fuck away as fast as you can in the other direction. In no way shape or form am I telling anyone to shoot or pike someone in the head, DON'T DO THAT SHIT! (That's my Disclaimer)


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

BROWN PAPER BRAG

Sept 8, 2019

BY D.K. LION AND LISA JILLS

     As I've said many times over, women are far more capable of out-fucking a man any day of the week, so why do we feel it necessary to try to convince them we're going to deliver the type of dick that'll break her back, have her screaming, or walking crooked for days? Why do we feed women that bullshit? Who are we trying to convince? Are we trying to boost ourselves up to her, or ourselves? No matter how long a man can go in the bedroom, rest assured, she can go longer, even if she's had multiple orgasms. Why do men feel it necessary to brag on their dick?


     Talking shit about your skills will set you up to get your head fucked up, especially when you can't deliver. You're setting a preconceived idea or standard in her head that she's either going to call bullshit on or be disappointed when you roll off her after 10-15 minutes, making excuses as to why you couldn't last for that hour and a half you bragged about being able to fuck her for. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut and fuck her. That 10-15 minutes could've been more than an enjoyable time for her, but you fucked her head up when you promised something you couldn't give. You promised her a major amusement park, but delivered a trip to the county fair. You talked yourself up to fuck like a custom upgraded luxury sports car, but you could only give hatchback economy dick.


     Men will lie on their dick faster than the speed of light. Men have to brag about their past partners to their friends; even the women they're sleeping with now. In most cases, he's lying like a cheap carpet. He didn't fuck that girl he went out with or met last night, and they know you'll never find out otherwise. They'll bring up something they did in the past with another woman and use that to justify and expect his new woman to enjoy it also.


     Stop bragging on your dick; you sound stupid. If your dick's worth bragging about, let HER do the bragging. You're not convincing her to fuck you; you're talking her out of fucking you. You're running the ass the away, trying to trap it. When you brag, you're telling her how good you've fucked OTHER WOMEN! A woman you just met doesn't want to hear that shit; she doesn't care about who or what you did with someone else. That's the thermonuclear version of talking about your ex on a first meeting or date with someone else. Besides, it's not like you're going to live up to the expectation anyway. Your entire sexual history has been a series of 5-15 minute sessions. Do you think THIS woman will be the one to get that 45-minute fuck you're promising? Believe me when I say that when you fall 55 minutes short of that hour-long fucking you promised her, she WILL tell every other female she knows or overhears you telling that same bullshit you told her. And don't get me started on how social media can fuck up a man's dick bragging and lack of delivery.


     Stop bragging about the dick and give her the dick; keep that other bullshit in your pocket. If you can truly drop-down that high performance, long term dick, then do it. Don't talk about it, be about it. You sound dumb as fuck, bragging about how big your dick is or how long you can fuck; let your actions speak for you. You're not going to fuck her nonstop for an hour; stop saying that shit. You're not going to affect her ability to walk or stand up other than a leg cramp, or her foot or leg fell the fuck asleep. Guys brag about their dicks because they think it's going to make a woman want him more. He thinks it'll make her curious enough that she'll fuck him, even if she hasn't thought much about it or the least bit attracted to him.


     Guys who brag about being a great fuck are essentially telling a woman he's fucking now that he's going to fuck her the EXACT same way he's fucked every other woman he's ever put his dick in and he's betting she's going to like it, just as much as they did. He doesn't care about her individual needs or satisfaction. Let him brag. If he delivers, so be it. If he doesn't, pick your poison; silence, humiliation, lie to him, or let him continue with his charade and let someone else fuck his head up with the truth. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

UNFUNNY BONE

Aug 25, 2019

BY D.K. LION

     You're a clown, and not in a good way. Everything's a joke to you, and you can't take anything seriously. Even in situations that require a more mature and adult reaction, you're the first to make an inappropriate response or action in an attempt to, "Lighten the mood."


     Sure, you were great to have and be around when you were younger; grade school to graduation. Then on to college, where the role of the fool became old and too much for a lot of people. Because of the length of the friendships from the past, your long-time friends dealt with your antics, hoping it was just a matter of time before growing the hell up and out of your clown mentality. In your head, why would you need to grow out of something you think everyone enjoys about you? You're the life of the party!


     Now, as an adult, you're doing the same stupid shit you did when you were younger, just on a different scale. You still make light of everything and say inappropriate shit at the worst times. By now most of your friends from back in the day can't stand you or to be around you for too long, because you're fucking irritating. Throw in alcohol, and they all pretty much want to kick your ass at some point or another.


     That one best friend tries to keep the peace the best they can, and that's the only reason you still get invitations to hang out, but their night is half-ruined by the complaints of the others. They defend you and try to keep others from causing a scene and tell you to fuck off. You can't leave people alone; you're always trying to get a laugh, and you won't stop until you get it, even if you're annoying as fuck while you do it. You've gotten yourself and your friends in boiling hot bullshit on more than one occasion. They've had to either reluctantly fight with or for you or do some quick thinking and talking to avoid you getting yourself fucked up.


     You think it's funny to play practical jokes, even when you've been asked to stop. Your average conversation is filled with pointless, silly shit. You're always after the quick laugh, but you're not fucking funny at all. You get drunk and either want to fight, you're getting a kick out, or carried out of the bar. You've hit on the wrong guy's woman, and even though he told you to go away, you still want to hang around and try to make it a joke of it; that's why you just got choked or knocked the fuck out. Even the best friend who defended you has turned his back on you, and you'll blame them for being too serious and unable to have a good time; to you, they've become a zombie, a slave to corporate America.


     Even at work, you annoy the fuck out of people; that's why you never get invited to happy hour or after-work social functions. Those friendships and acquaintances don't run as deep as your old school friends; they don't have the same obligation to you, so they won't hesitate to tell you to go fuck yourself. They have no issues telling you the truth about yourself or alienating themselves from you. They'll spare no time walking into the Human Resources office and alert the company to your bullshit.


     Her friends hate you. You make insulting jokes about them and act like THEY can't take the joke. YOUR friends can't stand you but have mutual friends, and they put up with you for their sake. They know their night out will end up shitty as soon as they see you walking through the door. Your lady has to endure the groans from her friends when you walk up behind her and smack her ass as hard as you can. You'll tell inappropriate jokes and stories about your lady and think humiliating her is something humorous. They don't come over because they know you're there. When you're not around, they always ask her why the fuck she's still with you.


     Not only do you think it's funny when you rip ass around her, but you'll rip ass in bed then pull the covers over her head like a fucking kid. You try to tickle her, knowing she fucking hates it. You'll sneak up behind her or jump out to scare her, knowing she hates that shit. You exploit her phobias for laughs. Spiders, bugs, snakes, heights, whatever you can to get a laugh. You make jokes about her weight or her body; your chubby, "Pet names" aren't cute or funny, especially when you do it in front of other people. You'll belch out loud and shoot beer out your nose as you're laughing at the disgusted looks you get from others. Unscrewing the light bulb in the bathroom then leave the toilet seat up. You go to dinner, and before you leave, you'll unscrew the salt shaker to the tip; when the next person uses it, the lid come off and dumps salt on their food. You're that asshole that still wears a tuxedo t-shirt.


     Why are you like this? Why is it so hard for you to grow the fuck up and act like a grown fucking man? Time and time again, you've been told you're not funny, and there's no way for you not to know that no one wants to be around you. People at work don't invite you anywhere after hours or on the weekends. Your long-time friends have all scattered to the winds without you; they've all matured far past your immature, adolescent bullshit and want nothing to do with you. You try so hard to be funny; you're still trying to be the "Class Clown" from your high school and college years.


     The truth? You're an insecure little child, afraid of real-life and being a fucking grown-up. You're still smoking pot and think you're even funnier when you're high. You have the same dead-end job you had in college. Your shitty sense of humor bullshit is just a defense mechanism; you want people to laugh WITH you, instead of AT you. You want to be liked so bad; you can't even see that people not only not like you, they despise you. Negative attention is better than being invisible. Vanity and arrogance are in your mind; you're hilarious; it's everyone else who just can't take a joke. Shock value; you're always looking for that next idiotic stunt to hit the internet and make people wonder about you. You're hoping to get your 15 minutes of internet fame.


      Regardless of what your reasons are; it's time to grow the fuck up!


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

FART OF WAR

Aug 11, 2019

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

     We all fart. If you're alive, you fart. People act like farting is some strange, disgusting phenomenon that only plagues the ugly, the poor, the uneducated, or overweight. Yet others make it humorous; something to use as a punch line or subject of comedy or the catalyst of a practical joke. Either way, thinking you're too cute or smooth to rip one that won't bring attention to yourself is an expectation you can't guarantee.


     We fart because of the buildup of certain gasses in our system that needs to be released, such as Carbon Dioxide, Methane, and Hydrogen. What we eat or drink also plays a role in how and when these gases are released through belching or farting. How we move our bodies and perform certain activities is also what makes our farts stinky vs. air-based depending on if it's the result of digestion or swallowing air.


     Here are a few of the more common types of farts you've probably come in contact with, or even served up yourself.


- SLOW-OPENING, CREAKING DOOR IN OLD HOUSE.


- SHORT, QUICK, EXPLOSIVE AIRBURST.


- SNEAKY, AIRBURST.


- HARD, WEIGHT-LOSS - When you rip one, and it feels like you actually lost weight after you're done.


- LONG, WET, UNDERWEAR-CHECKING.


- GYM/WORKOUT - Nothing says, "No pain, no gain" like the ripping of ass during your workout.


- HALF-FART, HALF SHIT.


- BUTT-BURNER.


- NINJA - Swift, silent, but deadly.


- HANGTIME - 30 second, continuous, "Will this fucker never end?" Type of fart.


- THE LOUD AS FUCK AS SOON AS THE ROOM GOES QUIET - This one never fails; it's like the fart can tell when the room's about to suddenly goes quiet before it rears it's ugly, stinky head and exits your asshole with extreme prejudice.


- LONG HISS - The stinkiest snake you'll ever experience in your life.


- ROOM-CLEARING.


- LOYAL PUPPY - No matter where you go, it seems to follow you around like a puppy you just brought home from the pound.


- FART BEFORE THE SHIT.


- RELEASE/FAULT VALVE - When having a huge fart but you release in quick puffs to relieve the pressure.


- HOT AND STANKY - (NOT STINKY, "STANKY")


- WALKING FART.


- RUNNING/TREADMILL.


- LAUGHING FART.


- BLAME FART - When you rip ass in a crowd and allow someone else to take the blame for it.


- ANONYMOUS - After you rip a loud fart, you look around like everyone else, pretending not to know where it came from.


- THE ZIPPER - Starts off low and high-pitched and ends up deep and loud.


- HISS INTO THE SLEDGEHAMMER.


- THE INEVITABLE - You know it's coming, and it's going to be horrifying.


- FAKE SHIT FART - You think you have to shit, but it's just a fart.


- THE SLITHERING SNAKE - The fart you can feel easing its way through your system on it's way to your asshole.


- THE RAP VIDEO - Makes your ass cheeks clap during discharge.


- SWAMP ASS - Too thick and stink to make any sound, but you sure as hell can smell it.


- THE INSIDE JOB - The internal fart that eases out the exhaust slowly and discreetly.


- THE GIRLY GIRL.


- THE DEMON - The fart that has you curling your toes and speaking a language you didn't even know you knew.


- THE GEMINI - The fart that sounds like more than one person ripped ass at that exact same moment.


- THE SLEEPY - The fart that you hear about the next morning; or you're unlucky enough for it to actually wake you up in the middle of the night.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

JOB INSECURITY

Aug 4, 2019

BY D.K. LION AND LISA JILLS

     Is there a way to spend time with someone and genuinely get to know them, without the initial thought or intent of having sex? One might think not, but actually, there is. There's such a place where two people can actually take it slow, spend time together, interact, and possibly lead to an eventual relationship without either being aware of what's happening or with sex being on the table. Not to say the thought wouldn't come up here and there, but for the most part, it would be about the mental connection first. It may sound like some made-up, magical village, but I assure you, it's very much real. 


     This seemingly magical land is called the workplace.


     Because men seek professional power and status, with their main focus on being the big boss. Although just as driven and motivated, women are still women, hoping to balance career AND start/have a family. In the corporate world, women tend to pursue men more, while in regular or blue-collar jobs, men are more likely to initiate interest in a woman. Some people see nothing wrong with dating a co-worker, I think it's one of the worst fucking ideas in the history of bad fucking ideas! There are PLENTY of available people in the world to choose from. Dating a co-worker is just fucking stupid; a potential disaster, wrapped in a tropical storm, engulfed in a typhoon, waiting to happen. Of all the people and places, a person could go to meet someone, why anyone would choose to date a co-worker is beyond me.


     I guess I could see how it could happen without planning or intent; you work with someone day in and day out for some time. It's difficult not to end up interacting and learning about one another. Light conversation between co-workers. Platonic interaction. Friendship. Light-hearted flirting and playful innuendos. I am getting to know basic things about each other; likes/dislikes, interests, and hobbies. Realizing how much you have in common will graduate to sharing personal information, sometimes even asking for advice or talking about issues and problems with your significant other.


     Men and women will flirt in the workplace because it allows them time to carefully plan each statement and response, much like a telemarketer script. They really don't have a deadline, so they can prepare each comment to make sure they don't come off like a creeper or an asshat. They'll find reasons to walk through their department or desk. They can approach each other and ask for assistance with something, even if they've done it a hundred times before.


     Conversations about personal life (Single or in a relationship, family, background, outside interests, favorite color, food, etc.) After a friendship has been successfully cultivated, if one person does happen to be in an unhealthy relationship, they could relay that unhappiness to the other person simply by asking their advice on issues between them and their significant other. It alerts that workplace interest there may be troubling waters ahead for his/her crush. They are spending time together at work-related gatherings. Playful flirting and joking about having the "Workplace wife or husband. The simple, friendly lunch invitation.


     Between projects and deadlines, meetings, and happy hours, it's only natural to learn about and get to know each other without any initial ulterior motives. Before you know it, you're finding yourself attracted to and thinking about someone in particular in more than just a professional capacity; and vice versa. Personalities will match, interests shared, and friendships formed. It starts with coincidental or scheduled breaks and lunches as a group. The innocent planning of lunches together or the majority of happy hour is spent with each other while placing interaction with other co-workers on the back burner.


     That all too innocent lunch may turn into dinner or a drink after hours. Group outings on Friday will offer an opportunity to see each other out of work mode. Instead of the button-up, a long-sleeved shirt she normally sees him in is replaced by a short-sleeved casual polo. She's never seen or noticed before how well-built or how flat his stomach is. She's always in work clothes or a business jacket, so the sight of her in a little black dress has him definitely seeing her in a different light. Group dances progress into the 2 of them cutting up the floor with the space between them decreasing with every song. Before too long, the gap's closed, and the two of them are grinding on each other or close enough to feel he's hard as a rock, and she's putting his hands all over her body.


     Then it happens. The ride home because one of them has had too much to drink, or their ride left them hours ago. The invitation inside and that's all she wrote.


     While it may seem there would be plenty of opportunities to recognize what was going on and apply the brakes in order to keep it professional, but it happens so quickly, but slow, organically, and naturally. It's a lot than you may think it would be to see it coming. On the other hand, it could be just as simple as noticing someone at work, finding each other attractive and going for it, plain and simple. This normally happens when it comes to new employees. They're untouched, virgin territory, with no internal history; no one knows who they are and there will be people in the workplace who take pride in being the first to, "Break in the new meat."


     Still, why is this such a bad idea to begin with? The quick answer would be asking the question, "Of all the other people in the world, why would anyone think it would be a good idea to choose someone you work with and see on a daily basis?" Why would anyone want to deal with the potential bullshit that may, and most likely will, come with it?


     First of all, dating someone you work with could violate company policy, plain and simple. Next, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, sooner or later, your co-workers will find out, and they'll be in your business. Because of this, the potential damage to the internal work dynamic and productivity can and will be affected because everyone's so fucking busy, trying to keep up with what and how the two of you are doing. The thought, expectation, or hope of drama, rumors, or gossip will be on everyone's mind, much like how people go to see stock car racing, hoping to see a crash. The possibility of one or both of them talking to their other co-workers will end up putting things out in the open you don't want to get out, such as sexual life/history and performance — personal issues, problems, etc.


     On the other hand, it could lead to being outcasted or exclusion by fellow co-workers. The praise or promotion you've worked so hard to get on the merits of your work and job performance may be viewed as a reward for sleeping with the right person. Some will expect to get away with certain things or avoid performing tasks or expecting special treatment if the relationship is with a supervisor or manager. Mary may have earned her promotion due to her dedication and hard work, but in the eyes of her peers, her advancement was the result of her relationship with David, the project leader. Due to a strict deadline, all vacation requests are denied, except for Melissa's because of a surgery she has scheduled. Since no one but her Human resources dept. Knows the actual reason why her request was granted over everyone else's, the rest of the team will assume it's because she's sleeping with Randall. Nicole may feel since she's dating Nick, he'll cover for her if there's an aspect of her job duties she doesn't want to do. John may believe he can leave early because Amanda's his boss and she leaves early on Fridays as well.


     Dating a co-worker is a bad idea because you see them not only at work but away from work also. It's even worse when it's just a fuck for you, and they thought it was or wanted more; then you have to see them every day afterward. Dating someone you work with will make you look bad in the eyes of your fellow co-workers, whether you're the man or the woman. Learning you may not have been the first could also throw a huge wrench in your work-born relationship. No one wants to find out they're the latest in a string of others or have to worry about hearing about the person you're dating from other people; even worse, having to see or work with someone who dated or has a sexual experience with the person you're with now. There could be unavoidable backlash from getting together with a serial dater from work. Nick really doesn't want to know Sarah was caught at the holiday party two years ago, bent over the copy machine, making it hard and deep from Derrick. Michele sure as hell doesn't want to hear about or know how good Mike gives oral from anyone Rebecca might have told when THEY were together.


     There could be that instance where things seem to be going well; UNTIL you find out the other person's married or in a relationship. Their wife/husband or significant other shows up at work to surprise them, and the two of you are at lunch, or in the office, having a private, "meeting." It could be at a happy hour, holiday party, or another work-based social gathering when you see them walking hand in hand with someone else. Even worse, that significant other could suspect their partner's up to no good. They'll show up at work, your intimate dinner or wherever and catch you both in a compromising situation.


     You may also have to deal with jealousy. Sarah and Mike have been seeing each other for about six weeks, but she's been assigned a project that places her in a situation where she has to work closely with Nick. It's no secret Nick has the eye of most of the women in their department, and that doesn't sit well with Mike at all. Tanya and Rob have been sleeping together for a while, but now Tanya works in a different department, where there are a lot more single men and Rob doesn't get to see her as much. But one day during lunch, he overhears some of the guys in Tanya's dept. Talk about how hot she is or how great her ass looks that day. Knowing the policy on dating, Rob has to keep his mouth shut and deal with it.


     Last, but not least. The nail in the coffin. The breakup. Congratulations, now all your personal shit is a matter of public record. (As far as the office is concerned) That thing you did to piss her off three months ago has already made its circumnavigation through to building. The way she moans and screams when she has an orgasm is the talk of the men's room. Every woman knows exactly how little a dick you're working with, and every guy now knows how good she sucks dick.


     Whether amicable or messy, a few things are certain; EVERYONE'S GOING TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT! The rumors, the gossip. The spreading of bullshit from those who want to be in the middle of all the drama. The combination of people getting into your business about the details of the breakup, or the fact that you STILL have to see and work with them. Whether or not it happened at work; if so, one or both of you could get fired for creating a hostile work environment for the other. Worse yet, one of you could not take the breakup well, resulting in a sexual harassment issue; even worse stalking and a public or violent incident. So, tell me, is it REALLY worth it? What if later on in your career, you meet someone you ACTUALLY like and get along with, they'll eventually find out about your past, and they may see themselves as just a notch in your belt and avoid getting involved with you.


     If you STILL think it's a good idea. If you honestly believe you've met someone you just absolutely HAVE to spend time with and form a relationship with at work, at least heed these warnings.


- Leave work at work and home at home. Don't bring work issues home and leave that argument over who left the fucking toilet seat up at home.


- Keep your relationship to yourself. Sure, you're going to want to tell you best friend that you may have found the man of your dreams at work, but don't tell them while you're both at work; you have no idea who else may be listening or control who walks in when you're talking.


- Don't date someone who could potentially be your superior, or vice versa. Don't date anyone who could end up being your competition for a promotion or advancement.


- Don't give or expect special treatment, just because you're dating.


- Learn the dating policy at your work.


- NO PDA! None. Nope. Nothing. Stop! Don't do it!


- Keep your focus on work. Don't allow the relationship to consume your time or attention, texting, sending emails, walking by, checking on them, and who they may be talking to.


- Don't force yourself to like someone just because they like you.


- Keep the serial dating to a minimum.


- Don't make it just a fuck. If you want/need sex THAT bad; work is the WORST place to look for/find it!


- Also, don't assume it's serious either. After 2-3 dates, don't go forward, thinking this is the one that's going to last forever.


- Communicate openly about expectations and how things are going to work while on the clock. Don't get bent if they're not as a lovey or affectionate as you think they should be; it has nothing to do with your relationship; it has to do with keeping people out of your shit or to keep from showing preferential treatment etc.


- Realize it may be temporary, and a breakup may be inevitable


- Lastly, and most importantly; DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO END THEIR MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU!


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

WRONG TYPE

June 30, 2019

BY SAMUEL

 Stereotypes. It's kind of hard to get past them. Some I've heard and known about for a while, but others I've only come across over the last few years. I've even passed a few on myself, thinking they were true. While some stereotypes can be explained to a point they could be actually believed by the most rational of people, others are just plain dumb as fuck, while some extend the boundaries of ridiculous into the realm of absolutely fucking insane. I can't imagine anyone believing them, much less spreading them forward as truth.


- LATIN WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH ANIMAL PRINT CLOTHING. Especially bigger women. Some women are so big when they put it on; they look like they swallowed a whole zebra, instead of her wearing zebra print stretch pants.


- LATIN WOMEN LOVE BIG-ASS EARRINGS. So do black women!


- OLDER ITALIAN WOMEN ARE INTO HUGE AMOUNTS OF EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE GAUDY FAKE JEWELRY.


- AFRICANS ARE FASTER RUNNERS. That's because they spend a lot of time, being chased by fucking puma, tigers, and leopards.


- BLACK MEN ARE BETTER AT BASKETBALL AND FOOTBALL.


- MEXICANS ARE BETTER AT BASEBALL, BOXING, AND SOCCER.


- WHITES ARE BETTER AT GOLF, HOCKEY, AND BOWLING.


- WHITE PEOPLE ARE BETTER SWIMMERS. Black people make better anchors.


- BLACK MEN CAN'T SWIM. Not true, but a lot of black men don't like large bodies of water or when their feet can't touch the bottom. Nothing will fuck up the head of the hardest, biggest thug than if his feet can't touch the bottom of the pool.


- ALL MEXICANS SPEAK SPANISH.


- THE "N-WORD" WAS INVENTED TO REFER STRICTLY TO BLACKS.


- BLACK PEOPLE MAKE BETTER RAPPERS.


- JEWS ARE GREEDY, STINGY AND BETTER WITH MONEY.


- JEWS ARE THE BEST AT DOING TAXES.


- ALL ASIANS KNOW KARATE.


- ALL MIDDLE EASTERNS ARE MUSLIMS, SPEAK ARABIC, AND ARE TERRORISTS.


- ALL BLACK PEOPLE LIKE FIRED CHICKEN AND WATERMELON.


- BLACK MEN COMMIT MORE CRIME. No! A black man will rob a bank, get away with $1.5 million dollars, and show up for work the next week at the local gas station, driving a brand-new $35,000 BMW.


- MOST MEXICANS ARE ILLEGAL. Or have at least 2 out of 5 family members who are.


- ITALIANS AND FRENCH MEN MAKE BETTER LOVERS.


- ASIANS ARE BEST AT MATH.


- IRISH MEN ARE ALCOHOLICS.


- BLONDES ARE THE BIGGEST PARTY GIRLS.


- MOST BLACK MEN ARE INTO SPORTS AND RAP MUSIC.


- MOST GERMANS ARE NAZIS.


- MOST BLACK WOMEN WOULD RATHER SPEND HER MAN'S MONEY THAN HER OWN. She believes her money is HER money, while his money is THEIR money.


- HOMOSEXUALS ARE/WERE THE MAIN CAUSE IN THE INITIAL SPREAD OF HIV/AIDS.


- WHITE WOMEN ARE TAKING ALL THE GOOD BLACK MEN. Not true! If you actually take the time to ask, most black men will ADMIT he approached that white woman!


- NATIVE AMERICANS ARE DRUNKS.


- MOST LANDSCAPERS ARE ILLEGALS.


- ASIAN WOMEN ARE SHITTY DRIVERS.


- BLACK MEN HAVE BIGGER DICKS. I can't say; ask a woman!


- WHITE WOMEN HATE HAVING BIG BUTTS. Depending on the type of man she's attracted to, some white women love the attention they get from men because of their thicker, curvier, hips, thighs, and ass.


- BLACK MEN LIKE BIG BUTTS. There's something about a big ass making that clapping sound while she's taking the dick from behind that drives the brothers crazy. He could care less if she looks like she was hit in the face with one of those baseball bats wrapped in the barbed wire if she has a "Fat ass" he'll fuck her; at least once.


- BLACK MEN LIKE WHITE WOMEN BECAUSE THEY SUCK DICK. Yeah, and?


- WHITE WOMEN ARE DOORMATS. That's some bullshit black women came up with to justify why black men pass them by.


- BLACK WOMEN ARE STRONGER THAN ANY OTHER RACE OF WOMAN. Again, propaganda perpetuated by bitter black women when they see a black man with anyone other than a black woman.


- GUYS WHO WORK OUT AND ARE IN SHAPE ONLY LIKE WOMEN WHO WORK OUT JUST AS MUCH A HE DOES.


- BLACK MEN ARE INTO FAT WHITE GIRLS, REDHEADS, AND ASIANS.


- WOMEN WITH BIG BUTTS PREFER SEX FROM BEHIND. Actually, women of ALL shapes and sizes enjoy, "Doggy-style," Not just thick or curvier women with big butts/thick hips. A lot of women enjoy it because of the angle of penetration from the man.


- BIG GIRLS DON'T LIKE BEING ON TOP. Some do, some don't. Those who don't normally have self-image issues.


- WHEN A MAN GOES OUT FOR THE NIGHT, HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO FUCK.


- ALL MEN ENJOY HAVING A WOMAN GRIND ON HIM ON THE DANCE FLOOR.


- LARGER WOMEN ARE EASIER TO TAKE HOME FOR THE NIGHT FOR SEX.


- CUTE, LARGE WHITE WOMEN SUCKS THE BEST DICK. Men believe these women KNOW they're cute, and the only reason men don't want them is because of their size. When they find a man who'll take them home, she'll try her best to get him hooked the first night by sucking his dick so good, and he'll almost shit himself.


- NICELY-DRESSED ITALIAN MEN ARE IN THE MOB.


- YOU CAN GET AIDS BY USING THE SAME TOILET AS A GAY PERSON.


- WOMEN ARE WORSE DRIVERS THAN MEN.


- WOMEN CAN'T DRINK AS MUCH AS MEN.


- OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY.


- EVERY GUY WITH MUSCLES IS ARROGANT, COCKY, AND THINK THEY CAN GET ANY WOMAN THEY WANT.


- EVERY GUY WITH MUSCLES LIKE HAVING WOMEN FEEL HIM UP. NO! No, the fuck they don't! Keep your fucking hands to yourself.


- ALL BLACK PEOPLE HAVE RHYTHM AND CAN DANCE.


- WOMEN GET BREAST ENHANCEMENTS FOR ATTENTION. Nope. Most get them because they don't like what they see when they look in the mirror. They could give a damn about what a man thinks of them.


- WOMEN DRESS SEXY WHEN THEY GO OUT TO ATTRACT MEN. Again, not true. They work hard to look the way they do, and they dress the way they do or want to for the purpose of making themselves look/feel good.


- BLACK MEN WHO DATE WHITE WOMEN HATE BLACK WOMEN. Black men hate the way black women act when they see a black man with a white woman.


- MOST BLACK WOMEN ARE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS WHEN THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY. Not true at all. There are a LOT of black women who are intelligent, soft-spoken, non-confrontational, professional people who know how to act in public.


- LATIN WOMEN MAKE BETTER WIVES AND HOMEMAKERS.


- ASIAN WOMEN ARE FREAKS IN THE BEDROOM.


- ASIAN MEN HAVE SMALL DICKS. I can't comment, ask a woman.


- BETWEEN BLACK, MEXICAN, AND WHITE MEN; MEXICANS ARE THE MOST SEXUALLY SELFISH.


- BLACK MEN ARE THE BIGGEST PLAYERS. Nope. Black men are the dumbest when it comes to being a player!


- ASIANS ARE BETTER WITH COMPUTERS.


- EVERY GUY WITH MUSCLES TAKE OR HAVE TAKEN STEROIDS AT SOME POINT.


- MEXICANS ARE GOOD AT FIXING CARS.


- SKINNY (THIN) WOMEN DON'T EAT MUCH OR HAVE AN EATING DISORDER.


- ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOVE, "SOUL FOOD." No, the fuck they don't! "Soul food" was a necessity for the time. It was an issue of hunger and survival. Most of that shit is horribly unhealthy and has NOTHING to do with heritage, tradition, or remembering where you come from. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

MEMORY LANE

June 2, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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     Remember the days when you walked into your favorite fast food restaurant and placed your order? The cashier took your money, gave you changed and gave you your drink; you stood there, watching as they scooped up those hot, fresh, french fries and slid them into a paper envelope-type sleeve. Then your sandwich; all juicy and smelling like they just took it off the grill. The point is, you stood there until you got your food, THEN you went and found a seat and ate. Nowadays, you walk up, place your order, they take your money, then give you an empty fucking cup and a receipt with a number on it; then tell you to go the fuck away until someone calls your fucking number.


     Remember full-service gas stations? Sure, it costs a little more per gallon, but realistically, I could almost guarantee if they made a comeback, even for just a lane or two per station, people would use them more than you'd think. They'd check your, fluids, tire pressure, etc. Not to mention would be pretty good after school or part-time job for that ungrateful, lazy bastard that lives under your roof where you pay for their cellphone, video game, movie channel and online subscriptions. Remember when store employees took you to the item you were looking for and actually helped you find it? Remember when you got caught playing sick to stay home from school?


     We're all guilty of putting our younger sister's dolls in naked and dirty sexual positions. Remember when CDs came in those big-ass pointless boxes? Camcorders were the size of small, portable land-based, anti-tank weapons? Sneakers were designed for specific athletic performance, not just for looking good at the club. Hide and seek? Old school dodgeball? You played with any damn ball you could find; whether it be a red rubber ball of a fully inflated basketball. "Sir," and, "Ma'ma" when you spoke to adults. We played sports for fun, not thinking about a pro career when we grew up. Boys and girls could play together, and nobody thought anything about it. Remember getting kicked outside to play after Saturday morning cartoons? Summer jobs? Soda was a privilege and fast food was a reward for a good report card or at least a perfect grade on a spelling test or exam.


     Remember the day where you could walk into a place with an application, hand it to a manager, and actually speak to him/her about a job opportunity? People were considerate and respected personal space; they waited their turn at the ATM or checkout line. They kept their distance until the person in front of them walked away. Nowadays, people will stand DIRECTLY behind you at the ATM; they'll step up right behind you while you're still getting your bags together and start swiping their card or doing whatever. While I have no issues with telling someone to back the fuck up, most people won't. Video games were 2-player; now the game companies make most of the single player to force parents to purchase 2 of the same systems/games in order to keep their arguing children happy and make more money.


     Remember when songs lasted for more than 3.5 minutes? Musicians actually had something to say, instead of trying to get rich off one damn song. Cellphones went from the size of bricks to small flip phones now back to big-ass 5-subject, college-ruled notebooks. You are wrapping your textbooks in brown paper so you could draw on them. Watching the news, hoping to see your school was closed for a snow day? Then there was that look of disappointment when your school was the only school that was open. How about when your teacher's request for the school T.V. and VCR came through on Friday, and it was a movie day. Cereal box prizes. Ordering clothes using the mail-in order form from the department store catalog and hauling ass to the phone before the answering machine picked up or forgetting to flip over or change the tape. Manually locking your car door or rolling the car window down, working those biceps!


     *69/*79? How about picking up the phone, dialing a woman's number, and asking her out, instead of sending her a damn text? Table manners. Believe it or not, there are STILL grown-ass people out there who chew with their mouths open or talk with food in their mouths. When you were sent to your room, it was an actual punishment. Cleaning the gunk off your computer mouse or trying to keep the mouse on the little-ass pad, getting hit in the mouth for talking back. Remember eating all the red popsicles so nobody else could have one? Music television channels actually played music? Were you finding out someone recorded over the VCR tape of your favorite television shows? That was the only time your parents were okay with you swearing out loud. What about having to stand there, with your finger on the fast-forward button of the VCR or your cassette player until you get to your favorite song or part in a movie?


     Remember when the good old days were the good old days? Before we were in such a damn hurry to get nowhere? Before having a nervous breakdown if we left our cellphone at home for even 30 minutes? Before binge-watching. Before we allowed technology to not only engulf our lives but cause such a dependence on it. While some things are better left in the past, it would be cool to see a few make a comeback, if nothing more than to show the new generations how things started and to perhaps generate an appreciation for what they have now. Even though we know they could care less, as long as they have their high-speed internet, video games, cell phones/text messages, and keys to the car.


     As for the rest of us who played outside, rode bikes, made bottle cap launchers, and sprayed each other with the garden hose when it was hot outside. For those of us who got our asses beat when we acted a damn fool; the next time you take a drink, whether it be water, alcohol, or milk; raise your glass and toast the good old days.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

ALONG 4 THE RIDE

May 12, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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     Our friends are important to us. They were on our side through thick and thin, good times and bad. They're our support system, our cheering section, and those few friends who'll set us straight when we get out of pocket. They'll tell us the truth, whether we like it or not. They watch out for us when we're drunk and try to prevent us from making catastrophic mistakes in judgment, and we'll do the same for them. We value their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Our friends are that tight-knit circle of extended family we'd give our last dollar to or the shirt from our backs.


     Our partner is our heart, our confidant. Our reason to believe there's someone out there for everyone. Although we may not have known them as long as some of our friends, but we want to give them the same level of attention, loyalty, and commitment. Our partner is our lover, our soulmate; the one we hope will be the last person we introduce to our friends as our partner.


     But what happens when your partner doesn't like or get along with your friends? What if your friends don't like or get along with the person you've chosen to be in a relationship with? How does that work? How do you balance your time, availability, or attention? Better yet? How do you keep the peace when either your friends or your partner are open about their dislike for the other?


     It's more important to a woman that her friends get along with her man. They don't have to like him, but their opinion and approval do mean a lot to her. Most men could care less if her friends don't like him, as long as they're respectful of him and his relationship with her. If he finds out they're trying to break them up to hook her up with someone else they think is a better match, he will confront his lady AND her friends. Men don't seek the same approval from HIS friends when it comes to the woman he's with. If he does, it's on a physical scale. He'll care whether or not they think she's hot or sexy, but that's about as deep as it'll go. Most women could care either way when it comes to whether or not his friends like her, as long as his FAMILY does.


     They say he's a cheater; he'll say one of them wants you. They'll tell you she's controlling; she'll say they're jealous.


     Maybe it's in their head; you may think they don't like you, but it may as simple as you have nothing in common. Different backgrounds (Both economical and social), education, life experiences, travel, etc. It just may be all in their head.


     They all grew up together. You can't expect to come between your partner and their friends if their bond began on the high school freshman football team or the cheerleading squad. You definitely shouldn't have to fight to find your place, and your man should include you in the conversation, while they're re-telling stories of the past.


     Perhaps your opinions don't mesh. They have kids, and you don't. You live in the city and choose suburban life. They don't eat meat, and you can't function without a burger at least twice a week. You're a coffee junkie, and they'd rather drink beer. Different age groups may be another reason. Ten years may not seem like much by way of a relationship, but when it comes to relating in conversation, it might as well be 20 years.


     Your friends and your partner may not get along because you believe they're a bad influence. He always gets drunk and into fights when he's out with the guys. They always try to get him to meet or hook up with women they meet. They tell him he's too young to be settled down with just one woman. They'll try to convince him he should be playing the field. Her friends may not like you because they don't think you're good enough. Job, income, education, whatever. They don't agree with the fact that you have kids from a previous relationship and they don't think you need to be taking on that responsibility; that's HIS mess. They may want you to be with someone from your circle. Jeff's been into you for a long time, and they see him as someone you should be with, so they'll be shitty to your man because they want to keep the relationships in-house.


     Ethnicity may certainly be a factor. More times than people think, their friends may actually be racist. It's never been realized before because you'd never dated or been interested in someone of a different race and they have a HUGE issue with it. They may see your partner as not being in your league physically. Height, weight, looks, etc. Especially men, they will question a man's choice if his lady doesn't match his caliber when it comes to looks. She may be overweight, not as pretty, or have the type of figure to compete with other women that may be interested in you.


     Your partner may not like your friends because of your behavior and personality change when you're around them. They may all be loud, boisterous, drunk assholes, and you follow suit only when you're with THEM. Normally you're quiet and level-headed, but when you get around Jimmy, the two of you act like fucking idiots. Nick's a jerk who thinks he's the best thing since the invention of the wheel and when the two of you get together, you become just as much of a chauvinist as he is, thinking women were put on this earth to fall to their knees and thank the stars you're talking to them. Amber's a party animal who's see nothing wrong with flirting and dancing up on guys. She'll pull two guys out on the dance floor and grind her ass up on both of them, or you'll find her stumbling drunk outside the bar, trying to convince you to let her go home with someone she just met. Donna's a modern, "Alpha-female" type who wants nothing more than to push her ideology of the super-empowered woman on everyone she knows, and you're nothing more than a caveman.


     You ignore your partner when you're with your friends. You accuse them of not putting in the effort to get to know your friends. They'll accuse your partner of not putting in the effort to get to know them. It's a round robin issue that has few options for a solution. The worst thing to do is to force anyone to choose.


     Explain to your partner your friends are YOUR friends. Your friends also have to realize when you're in a relationship, the Friday night club/bar thing isn't going to happen every weekend, and it's not going to be 2-3 am nights. There's a level of respect to be had when it comes to being in a relationship. Sometimes you're not going to make it to Saturday afternoon basketball at the gym. Your days of going out broke and coming home drunk because men have been buying you drinks all night are over. Your friends shouldn't be trying to talk you into hooking up with that fine blonde who just asked you to dance. Your world shouldn't revolve around your partner, but they shouldn't be on the backburner to your friends, no matter how long you've known them. If they're TRULY your friends, they'll respect your relationship without even having to discuss it.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

UNKNOWN DEPTHS

May 5, 2019

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

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     Doing the right thing, even when no one's looking is the layman's definition of integrity. When you think about it, Integrity should be paramount in everyone's behavior and personality. However, this expectation, much like others, are a ridiculous falsehood. Still, while some violations of integrity are just plain fucked up, some are funny as hell, and it's pretty entertaining to find out what goes on behind closed doors or when/if we don't think anyone's looking. When talking about the shit men do in that situation, it's hard not to laugh at the mere thought of what he could be doing while the wife is at work or shopping and the kids are with her or at school. When left alone, you can almost be certain men are guilty of:


- Peeing in the shower.


- Barely making it to the toilet when we have to take a shit.


- Trying to hold a piss in until the last minute because we don't want to wake up before our alarm goes off in 20 minutes.


- Belching the alphabet. Classic!


- Peeing in the bathroom sink. Don't even think about asking why not just shift over 1.5 feet and piss in the toilet. Hell, we don't even know. The answer could be because we don't want to risk peeing on the seat or the floor and having to get on our hands and knees to clean it up. Plus, we're fucking lazy at 2 am.


- Looking up former girlfriends on social media to see what they look like now or who they're with.


- Eating nail and toe clippings.


- Pulling underwear from the hamper and sniffing them to test cleanliness or possible candidacy for successful fabric refresher treatment.


- Eating bulk food from the grocery store. Nuts. Candies. Chocolate-covered pretzels. Dried fruit pieces. Hell, we've all done it; and our kids do it too.


- Watching "Reality" television programs.


- Sticking their hand in their underwear to pinch off their dick to keep from pissing themselves. It's like bending a water hose to keep the water from running out until you're ready for it.


- The pee-pee dance. EVERY man knows the pee-pee dance. It's that dance we do in a public restroom when we get to the urinal, and our fucking zipper gets stuck in the, "Up" position, or we can't get a grip of that fucking zipper tab.


- Not washing hands after taking a shit. Even if a guy washes HIS hands; ALWAYS use the paper towel to open the door. YOU may have washed your hands; but as soon as you grab the door handle, everything the guy that walked out before you who didn't wash his hands is now on yours as well.


- Examining the toilet paper BEFORE throwing it in the toilet after taking a shit. I'm not really sure what we're looking for or hoping to discover, but we still do it.


- Farting under the covers then pulling them over our head to see how bad it stinks. I think how bad a fart smells is a source of pride for men.


- Farting out loud, or fart and allowed someone else to take the blame for it.


- Sneezing and wiping snot on their arm or sleeve.


- Wiping their armpits and smelling their fingers. Sometimes we forget to put on deodorant; we've got a lot of shit on our minds in the morning.


- Using dish soap as laundry soap.


- Drinking straight from the container.


- Swiping some of their kid's Halloween candy. Trick or treat!


- Sneezing from nose and mouth, without covering either.


- Calling his woman bat-shit crazy behind her back.


- Gossiping to his friends about something his woman told him.


- Sneezing, coughing, laughing, and farting simultaneously.


- Lying about having plans so he can stay at home and relax without letting anyone down. or upsetting his lady.


- Using fabric refresher on his favorite shirt to wear again.


- Doing pushups right before going out on a date or on the town to look more, "pumped up" Believe it or not, I've seen guys pull out towels or mats and knock out a set or 2 of push-ups before heading into a club, bar, or restaurant to meet a date.


- Digging in their nose, then examining what comes out.


- Pissing in a bottle. Hey, sometimes the bathroom is kinda far away; too far to make it.


- Pulling over at night behind a dumpster to take a shit. When you gotta go, sometimes you gotta go. That's why you keep a roll of paper towels or an ugly shirt someone gave you in the car.


- Blowing snot rockets in the shower.


- Pissing on a public toilet seat.


- Sarcastically imitating or mocking his woman behind her back.


- Scratching balls then smelling their fingers. Gotta make sure they smell good; just in case a blow job may be in his immediate future.


- Whacking off in a sock.


- Eating something they just put in the garbage, thinking it's okay because it was on the very top.


- Extending the five-second rule to 15-20 seconds.


- Watching cartoons. You're NEVER too old for the classics!


- Washing their car, knowing it might rain. As long as it doesn't rain before you get to the club. Gotta pull up shining!


- Testing a 9-volt battery with their tongue.


- Watching a chick flick.


- Stopping off in the craft department at the store and spelling out inappropriate words with the large cardboard letters.


- Putting random things in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.


- Holding his woman's bra up to his chest, pretending he has boobs.


- Wearing his woman's bra on his head.


- Examining their junk for anything that may be strange-looking. Show me a guy who's never randomly examined his dick, and I'll show you a man who already knows he has something to be concerned about; he's in denial at that point and doesn't want to see or know how much it's spread.


- Measuring his dick.


- Taking dick pictures and deleting them.


- Adjusting their balls before sitting down. Sitting on your balls and squishing them hurts like a bitch.


- Shitting with the door open.


- Finding his wife or girlfriends vibrator or dildo and playing with it like a regular toy.


- Walking around naked, bouncing our dicks up and down or side to side. It's funny to hear my dick slapping against my upper legs.


- Reading on the toilet. That's where I do my best thinking and reading.


- Texting or talking on the phone while taking a shit.


- Using "Feminine" products, such as shampoos, shaving cream, facial cleansers, etc.


- Watching soap operas.


- Singing a pop song in a girl's voice.


- Pulling their underwear up to get a "Thong experience."


- Balancing wet washcloth on their dick to test its strength.


- Caressing his naked butt cheeks. Or spreading them open in the shower to feel the water run down the crack of his ass.


- Modeling in front of a mirror.


- Crying over a breakup.


- Imagining himself with someone else's body or with muscles.


- Playing with his daughter's dolls.


- Displaying his daughter's dolls in various sexual positions.


- Checking out one of his woman's friends.


- Picking his bellybutton and smelling it.


- Picking his nose then wiped it on something in passing.


- Popping a pimple in the mirror, just to see what comes out.


- Going through his woman's purse or phone for no reason.


- Using a blanket for a cape.


- Searching his kid's rooms for nothing, in particular, just trying to find something to use as common ground to relate to and communicate with them better.


- Watching weird porn. From blow-up dolls to animals; and everything in between.


- Wondering how they'd look pregnant. Every guy's shoved a pillow up his shirt, put his hands on his hips or behind his back, and stared at himself in the mirror.


- Testing the absorbancy of a tampon. Every guy's stuck a tampon in a glass of water to see just how much tampons can REALLY soak up. I can't be the only one!


- Painting his fingernails. Clear of course.


- Groping a mannequin.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

WORKIN IT

April 14, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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      In this article, we're heading back to the gym; not to talk about newbies, myths, or trainers. This time, we're going after the assholes. The assholes who not only KNOW they're assholes but don't give a shit about being an asshole. Like everywhere else, the gym a multi-mix of various personalities and habits, trying to co-exist under one roof for different reasons. Some who put work in and get in shape, some to watch and be seen, while others come just for something to do and say they worked out. Whatever the reason you decide to walk through those doors, you're more than likely to experience one or more of these assholes regularly. And if you can't say you have, you're most probably one of the assholes I'm going to be talking about.


     THE SHOWSTOPPER: This guy will make as much noise as possible, loading the bar or machine with his desired weight. He'll walk around with his chest out, prancing like a lion and grunting like a fucking pig, all the while keeping a tally on the number of people paying attention to him, especially the women. He'll slap and talk to himself, getting amped up to lift and grunting even louder. As soon as he's satisfied a good amount of people are watching him, he'll mount the bench, grunt and sing along with his headphones even louder until he lays back, presses the weight once or twice, then takes a 5 minutes break or unload the bench altogether.


     THE BENCH TEASE: This guy will load the bar with a significant amount of weight, giving the impression he's about to fuck that shit up and get some serious reps going on. Like the showstopper he'll bring attention to how much weight he has on the bar, and he'll drop down like he's about to bring the noise, only to sit back up, and unload the fucking machine; or he'll lift it just enough to get it off and drop it back on the rack like he just hit a full fucking set. That's the guy I want to smack the fuck out of for teasing me, thinking he was going to lift some heavy shit. That's no different than having a woman kissing all over the head and shaft, getting me good and hard, and not putting the dick in her mouth. It's a fucking tease!


     THE CHASER: This is more or less a game of cat and mouse This guy will show up with his lady, and he'll notice her watching what the guy working out next to them is lifting. The chaser will allow his pride to get the better of his common sense and try to chase or match the weight the mouse is lifting. He not only WANTS to but he NEEDS to prove his masculinity to his woman. When he realizes he can't, he'll turn bitch and either give the mouse a fucked up look or get bent at his lady for looking at another man.


     THE STALKER: While there are many variations of the stalker. I'm going to point out the guy who absolutely, positively, must be DIRECTLY behind or near a particular woman when he works out. No matter what exercise she's doing or wherever she goes, the stalker will manage to find an activity to do that puts him in creepy-close proximity of her so he can watch her ass through her tight, yoga-type stretch pants, or her super-short workout shorts that allow the bottom of her ass cheeks to hang out or barely keep from splitting her pussy meat from full view.


     THE FAVORITE: This guy will walk past 2-3 of the same machine, just to move YOUR towel or whatever while you're taking a break between sets, in the bathroom, or  to get water, to use THAT particular piece of equipment, because the one you're on is his, "Favorite" one. You're a douchebag.


     THE TEXTER: Between every set, this guy has to pick up his phone, read and respond to text messages while others are waiting. If you're that guy, don't get pissed when you get confronted by someone who's actually there put in work. Be glad and lucky he doesn't call you an asshole to your face right then and there. I usually walk and ask straight out, "Are you lifting or fucking texting?"


     THE DJ: Plain and simple, This guy will sit on the machine or bench, for 2-3 minutes, trying to find, "The right fucking song to lift to" WHAT THE FUCK?"
Seriously, if it's like that, make your fucking playlist BEFORE coming to the gym or get the fuck up and let someone else use the equipment. You're an asshole, Mr. DJ!


     THE TALKER: This guy will walk up to his friend, who's sitting on a machine or piece of equipment and have a 10 minute conversation about some bullshit, while keeping the the equipment out of use until someone asks them to move, which will, in turn, piss off the talker or his friend for whatever reason. If you want to talk, got to a fucking coffee house; or at least get the hell up so someone can use the machine.


     THE ADVICE CRITIC: This guy will ask you about the details or, "secrets" of your particular workout, but then criticize your response. When asked what type of pre-workout supplement someone may use, the critic will then tell you how you SHOULD be taking pre-workout. The critic will ask about a particular lifting technique, then criticize while explaining how HE does it. Why the fuck would you ask me in the first place if all you're going to do is pick the answer apart, asswagon?


     THE BABYSITTER: This is the guy who'll sit on the machine while flipping through songs, texting, talking, resting, etc. Anything he can do to keep the machine to himself. He'll just sit there to keep others from using it until he's completely done.


     THE 1-SETTER: This is the asshole who'll KNOW for a fact you're on a machine or equipment, just to walk up while you're getting some water. They'll change all your settings, weights, seat height, position, etc. just to do one fucking set, then walk away, without changing it back to where you had it.


     THE POSER: The guy who flexes in front of the mirror; ANY mirror he can find.

THE MIRROR HOG. This ass-wrangler will stand 1 foot from the mirror, just to watch himself do curls. Objects in the mirror are NOT stronger than they appear!


     THE WIGGLER/BOUNCER: If you're rocking, swinging, or wiggling, you're NOT fucking curling! If you're bouncing the weight off your chest, you're not benching!


     THE ADVICE GIVER: This guy will approach you and offer unwanted advice on how they work out, their techniques, tips, etc. Whether you want it or not, they give you the details of their routine and tell you how you can maximize the benefits of each exercise. They'll let you know you're wrong and how they do it.


     THE SELFIE GUY: This Assplug will assume it's okay to include other people in their videos or pictures of them working out and posting it on social media.


     THE CROTCH MAN: This dirty bastard will find the shortest, baggiest shorts he can, turn the bench around, lie back and do their exercises with his legs wide open and show his hairy nutsack to the rest of the gym. He'll act like he's surprised when someone tells him to turn the bench around because no one wants to see his balls hanging out his shorts, you nasty fuck!


     THE GYM PIMP: This wanna-be, self-proclaimed player, is used to being the ladies man. He's the guy who gets his dick hard, thinking all the women in the gym wanting to fuck him and he has his choice of any woman he wants. That works for him until someone who looks better, in better shape, works out harder and gets more attention than he does. He'll INSTANTLY turn bitch and hate on the other guy, who's there just to work out and go home.


     THE KISSING/PISSING GUY. This couple (Mostly the man) who can't go 5 minutes without coming over and staking a claim on his woman by giving her a kiss in front of everyone; not so much because he's THAT affectionate, but more staking his claim in front of everyone. He may as well piss a ring around her like a fucking wolf on a tree.


     THE BODYGUARD: Because he's so focused on who's looking at his lady or who she may be checking out, he can't even focus on his workout. He hates those little shorts she wears and how guys look at her ass from behind while she does squats or between her legs while she does leg raises on her side.


     THE DRESS UP GUY: The nutsack in question will show up to work out, wearing casual shoes, nice jeans and shirt (possibly before a lunch date or something) to get a quick lift in to look pumped up. Sometimes this guy will show up in club clothes right before he goes out in order to swell up before showing up at the club.


     THE HATER: As funny as this guy is, he'll turn bitch and get jealous as fuck when another guy walks in. He may not even know this guy, but he'll hate on him based on the attention he gets, the amount of weight he lifts, or his workout in general; whatever takes away from him being the center of attention.


     THE GUY WHO WANTS TO WORK OUT WITH YOU: I personally HATE this guy. They believe they can keep up with the intensity of your workout, or they're trying to up their level of training. What they don't understand is that while they're stepping up THEIR workout, they're dragging YOURS down.


     THE SINGER: This guy thinks everyone in the gym wants to hear them sing along with whatever they're listening to on their music device. They either don't realize how loud they are or just don't fucking care.


     THE SWEATER: That nasty, dirty, inconsiderate fuck who'll work out and sweat all over a bench or machine and will walk the fuck away without wiping that shit off.


     THE INFORMANT: Imagine you're working out, and some guy walks up to you and begins telling you everything about his workout, without you even asking about it.


     THE FRIEND: He wants to be friends with the guys who get checked out by women in the gym. He wants to be associated with the people who seem to get noticed by the hot girls.


     THE QUICK-CHANGE ARTIST: He wants to work in with you between your rest sets on the Smith machine. Only AFTER you say okay does he tell you he's doing incline bench with 60 lbs. of weight and you're already set up to do Decline bench with 180 lbs. So he wants to switch benches, strip the weight, do his set, then switch back when he's done over and over again. Get the fuck out of here, asshole.


     THE NEIGHBOR: Of all the empty space in the gym's locker room, for some fucked up reason, the neighbor can't work out anywhere else in the gym but right next to or behind someone else. Much like there could be 80 empty lockers in the locker room and someone chooses the locker RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS!


     THE CROWD: These groups of guys will ignore all the empty space in the gym and work 5-6 people in the same ten square-foot areas.


     Like everywhere else in the world, there's an etiquette that should be observed and respected, even in the gym. From moving someone's shit over because you have a favorite piece of equipment to walking around the locker room naked, the gym is no exception. Don't be that asshole.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

AGE APPROPRIATE

April 7, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

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     Mortality, we all have to face and accept it. Getting older is an inevitable fact of life, and all must be prepared, regardless of the present age, gender, race, color, ethnicity, etc. One of the responsibilities of getting older is the expectation of evolving the way we speak in not only professional settings but social as well. Simply put, there are just some shit MEN shouldn't say, stop saying, or never should've started saying in the first place.


- LITERALLY - A filler word intended to make you sound smart, but it does the complete opposite.


- DUDE


- NICE or SWEEEET! - If/when you get the answer or response you wanted. There's no way to say either of these without giving the impression you must be a 12-year-old virgin who jacks off to the bra/panty section of the dept — store catalog.


- C'MON, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN - You look stupid with your hand in the air, waiting on a hi-five that's never going to come.


- S'UP (What's Up?)" - I don't know what makes you a bigger assclown, saying it, or the stupid fucking upwards head-flip you do while you're saying it.


- BROTHER/BRO - Trust me, we know when that's not how you speak in normal conversation, so stop saying that shit for the benefit.


- SUPPOSABLY - That's not even a fucking word, it's SUPPOSEDLY!!


- BADASS (That's badass)


- BADASS - If you're STILL saying it, no one thinks you are one!


- CONVERSATE - Another non-existent word people have adopted in everyday conversation, just because they heard it in a stupid fucking rap song. It's CONVERSE, you moron!


- NO OFFENSE - Translation: I'm sorry I'm about to kick you in the face, but I'm STILL about to kick you in the fucking face!


- Referring to the bathroom as the LITTLE BOYS ROOM - Enough said, you fucking Pedophile!


- DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL - Show me an adult who'll say they've never said the word SHIT and I'll show you someone full of shit.


- BAE - Are you so lazy or think so little about your partner they don't rate the second syllable?


- PHAT


- OMG


- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? - Translation: You've put on a few pounds babe, but it's too early in the morning to take a throat punch or a running sneaker kick in the balls.


- WHEN ARE YOU DUE? - She's not pregnant... BITCH!


- SORRY, BUT... - You're not sorry, you're just trying to soften the blow before doing or saying something fuck up, knowing that it's fucked up.


- BECAUSE - Translation: I have no intelligent reason for what I just did or said, and I know you won't believe anything I can come up with.


- I CAN'T - Yes you can, you don't want to, because you're either scared to try, or worried about failing.


- I WAS DRUNK - That's not an excuse, not even a bad one; never was, has, or will be...


- HATER - It's 2018, not 2008


- ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME - Just what the world needs, another unemployed philosophical hoodlum, whose closet is full of t-shirts with weed plants on them & working for cash to avoid child support.


- IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME - And if you really loved her, you'd let her fuck you in the ass with a strap-on & no lube. See how fucked up that statement can get?


- I'D HIT THAT/TAP THAT SHIT - That's a great statement to make, especially until you realize she's really a man.


- SHE JUST DON'T KNOW - In reference to sex with someone you see in passing. It's YOU who doesn't know that a woman will ALWAYS be capable of out-fucking you, due to women being multi-orgasmic.


- IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? - What the fuck kind of question is that, dick!?!?


- SELFIE


- YOU SHOULD START WORKING OUT - Yeah, That guarantees she'll NEVER find out you fucked around on her, caught an STD and have to be on antibiotics for the next week or so. You've successfully secured her safety because you won't be getting ANY pussy for at least two weeks or so.


- SICK (That's Sick) - In reference to something cool; and while you're at it, wanna come over and check out my digital monster battle card collection?


- YOLO


- MILF


- CHILL OUT/CHILL PILL - It's 2018, Remember?


- LET'S WATCH A PORNO - Wait... WHAT THE FUCK?? Big-ass white chicks riding black dicks, filmed by hicks who also suck dick? That's fucking sick & you should expect a multitude of very quick right-side temple kicks!


- COMMANDO - That's only sexy when women do it and trust me, your boys don't want to hear about it. They don't want, or need to know you don't have any fucking underwear on!


- WAIT UNTIL HALFTIME - Yeah, tell your woman that shit when she wants some dick, and you haven't spent much time together because of work, kids, etc. You'll be able to watch the rest of the game & every other game in peace because she met someone who'll give her that Spartan dick whenever she wants it.


- DID YOU CUM YET? - That turns a woman on more than you know, especially when you're asking every 30 seconds too! You already know the answer most of the time. Otherwise, you sound like an unsure, 12-year old, fucking for the first time.


- MAN-BUN, MAN-BAG, MAN-CRUSH, MAN-SCAPE - Don't strut or prance around, sweating machismo and masculinity from every pore, then exhibit questionable behavior, only to rationalize it by putting a male qualifier in front of it. You're fully aware these examples are self-consciously questionable. In reference to your masculinity, that's why you feel the need to put the word, "MAN" in front of it, because you know you're manhood's going to be called into question.


- POTTY - (Unless you're training a child) And when you're done, mommy will powder your behind before she changes your diaper, you fucking weirdo!


- I DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN - Translation: Fuck, I hope she didn't just catch me looking at that girl's ass!!


- MY LAST GIRLFRIEND... - Yet, another way to protect your woman from getting that STD you caught while she was out of town last week.


- REAL TALK


- HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH - OUCH! I can't believe a woman her size could kick that high!


- SUCK MY DICK (To another man) - Prepare yourself. You never know. You might get a response you weren't ready for.


- IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING? - Translation: Don't wear that shit!


- I DON'T CARE - Translation: In no way, shape, or form am I interested in hearing your mouth on this subject, so do whatever you want.


- OFF THE HOOK/OFF THE CHAIN - What the fuck does that even mean?


- CUNT - Last but not least, the one word that'll get you kicked in the balls multiple times in rapid succession not only by the woman you directed it to but EVERY other woman who heard, heard about it, though they heard it, dreamed about hearing it, read your lips when you said it. Had a tingling sensation in the hairs on the back of her neck, alerting her to the possibility of it being said.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

HARD TO SAY PT. 1

March 31, 2019

BY D.K. LION, CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

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     As ridiculous as they may seem, here are our answers to some of the weirdest questions we've ever been asked that don't end up in our articles.


Q: Which bathroom is the best choice to use if a man and a woman wanted to get a little nasty and sneak off for a quickie while out for the night?


A: While the women's bathroom may be cleaner, chances are if another woman walked in and realized a man was in the ladies' room having sex, she may be more inclined to cause a scene.


     A man would walk into the men's room, realize a couple is having a quickie in one of the stalls; he'd handle his business and leave, without causing a scene. He may comment on support or encouragement. He'll go back to his friends and tell them, and they'd all be curious to know who the woman was. The drawback? The guy would probably have to go in the bathroom beforehand and make sure the toilet seat didn't have piss all over it and use a few seat covers to make sure the floor was dry.


Q: Is it asking too much to want a woman to know how to at least load, chamber and shoot a gun if it makes her man feel better that she can defend herself and their family in his absence?


A: I don't think so. I believe it's a small expectation that should be honored to make a man feel safe and confident that his lady or wife could defend herself and his family in case he wasn't there. Not to say she has to go to the range as much as he does, to learn marksmanship, but at least know how to squeeze off a round if the need arises.


Q: Considering you both are single, whose place do you go to for the first night/first date sex?


A: This a toss-up answer. On the one hand, a woman would feel safer and much more comfortable at her place; but does she REALLY want this guy to know where she lives? If she goes to HIS place, she may not be able to fully relax and be comfortable being somewhere she's never been before, especially with someone she just met, even though she's going to have sex with him on the first date or first night meeting him.


Q: If a man gets jumped by 2-3 other men, should his lady be expected to help him?


A: Uncertain; If he's getting his ass kicked and gets choked or knocked the hell out, chances are the same will happen to her. If they're both choked the hell out, who's going to drive them to the hospital? Just let him curl up in the fetal position until they stop, security comes out, or he passes the fuck out. The best way to help is to be conscious so she can call for help. Just stand there crying and screaming until they stop.


Q: When a couple decides to move in together, who's place do they move into, keeping in mind they either BOTH have homes they own or apartments they rent?


A: If they're both renting apartments, simply wait until both leases up then get a place of your own. If they both own their homes choose the more convenient place in regards to location, travel to/from work, shopping, etc. and rent the other for extra income.


Q: Should the man or woman be expected to initiate sex more than the other?


A: It should be a mutual initiation on BOTH parts, from BOTH partners. Of course, there will be times where one person will be in the mood and others won't, but sexual initiation should be pretty balanced. Both partners need to feel equally desired.


Q: Is it unreasonable to ask a woman to step out of her normal comfort zone and wear something sexier and more physically revealing if it turns her man on?


A: I don't think so, but her comfort should be considered first and foremost. If she's not the type of woman who's comfortable showing off her figure or a little cleavage, (And you STILL decided to date her), of course, her concerns should be respected. On the other hand, every once in a while she should be willing to please her man. Too many women are worried about looking like a "Slut" in the eyes of other people who she may NEVER see again in her life; why should their opinion trump her man's desire for her?


Q: Should a man be expected to put in more effort to dress classier when with his lady than with his friends?


A: Absolutely! Don't be one of those assclowns that goes out for a night on the town with his lady wearing socks up to his knees, sagging shorts off his ass or skinny jeans. Don't be a dick and wear a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it while she's rocking a nice, short, fitted, low-cut, sexy dress; hair & nails done, with just the right touch of makeup. You look like a fucking douchebag, claiming to be, "Keeping it REAL" Put on a polo shirt and jeans. AND PULL THEM THE FUCK UP TO YOUR WAIST!


Q: Who should take more of the lead and responsibility when it comes to birth control?


A: Although safe sex should be a concern and priority for BOTH partners, what else can a man do after putting on a condom? There are more options for birth control for women, and I don't see anything wrong with looking to a woman too, "Double-up" on her choices if applicable.


Q: Should the homeowner or overnight guest choose the side of the bed they sleep on?


A: That's a merry-go-round question. The owner will ask the guest what side they prefer; then the guest will respond, asking what side the homeowner normally sleeps on. This can turn into a 5-minute round robin until one person steps up and makes the decision for the both of them.


Q: Should women be able to call, "Dibs" on a man both her and her friend find attractive?


A: Men will respect each other if one approaches a woman and she showed interest in his friend. He'll back off and let his friend know she's interested.


     A woman will see this as a "Girl-code violation" Even when approached if a man reveals his interest with a woman's friend, she won't break the code because her friend saw you first. To a man, that's bullshit. We're human beings, not the front seat of the car on a road trip. It would be different if they were getting to know each other and he shifted his interest from one woman to another, but if his initial response was flattery, but interest in another woman in her group, there's no code violation.


Q: Should a woman be offended if she's dancing with a man and she realizes he hard as a rock?


A: No! If she's dancing and grinding her body close enough to him to where she can tell he's hard, what the hell does she expect? It would be silly and ridiculous for her to be offended. It should be taken as a compliment.


Q: How does a woman who dances with her ass all over a guy feel when he grabs her by the waist and starts, "Butt-banging" her?


A: Depends on how she's dancing with him. If they're dancing and he turns her around and starts dry-humping her doggy-style, he should expect a severely angered throat-punch, followed by a soccer-style kick to the sack area. If she's, "Twerking" all up on him, she shouldn't be THAT surprised. They may look weird as hell and ridiculous as fuck, but she shouldn't be too traumatized by it. Otherwise, she shouldn't have been grinding her ass on him.


Q: Why do women play hard to get so much when they're clearly into and attracted to a guy?


A: Because they think that shit is cute or funny. They believe it makes the man want her more. What they don't realize is that only men who are out, looking for sex for the night would be interested in chasing or pursuing her game of, "Hard to get" A decent guy won't even entertain the thought of playing that game.


Q: Why do women feel it's okay to approach a guy and dance with her ass grinding all over his crotch, but flip the hell out if a man does the same to her?


A: Because they think every man goes out, looking to hook up and the concept of personal space only applies to them because they have tits, ass, and pussy. To a woman, getting up on or groping a guy is less intrusive than if a man did the same to her because she feels entitled to her space. She feels whatever man she chooses automatically wants to fuck, and he's just waiting for someone to show him the door to the promised land. The concept he may not be interested in her at all doesn't cross her mind for one second.


Q: What makes men think women dress sexy for their attention or advances?


A: Because they're stupid. They're conceited. They're arrogant. They're selfish. They think women who go out wearing something that shows off her ass, tits, or curves is a signal that she's looking for a guy to take home.


Q: Should a man be okay with staying home to save money on childcare if his wife or long-time partner earns a considerable amount of more money?


A: Depends on if they're married or just in a long-term relationship. It would be a no-brainer if they were married. If he's bringing home less than what childcare costs, then perhaps they should sit down and discuss it as a valid option. It may be a little harder to convince a man to make a commitment like that if just in a relationship, no matter the length of time due to the fact there's less of a commitment to remain together. He may want to have his own money; just in case.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

TRUTH VOL. 2

March 16, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

- If you have to have them, "What are we?" discussion with your partner, you're not in the same in the relationship.


- Just because a woman shows her physical/sensual attraction to a man, it doesn't mean she'll fuck you. It doesn't make her a tease either. Just because she shows, her affection is NOT a contract of sexual obligation.


- If you never played, "hide and go get it" when you were younger, you missed out.


- Most men who work out want a woman who takes her personal fitness seriously as well. She doesn't have to go as much as he does or work out as hard, but he prefers a woman who can share this interest, appreciate his hard work and support each other's goals.


- Beware of a man who refers to his tank top as a "Wifebeater."


- If he/she didn't have a job or car when the two of you met, don't be pissed when they STILL don't after a year.


- If they're shitty with money and finances when you met, they'll be just as shitty two years from now.


- If you were in shape when you met, don't get pissed when they stop fucking you after you gained 60 pounds because you don't see the purpose in it anymore or lost the desire to continue; especially if you're partner has communicated their concerns previously.


- If a woman dances one song with you, she DOES NOT belong to you for the rest of the night; nor is she obligated to fuck you after you buy her a drink.'


- Ladies, if you're not interested, don't let a guy buy you a fucking drink! You're not stupid; you know what he's doing!!!


- Men, not only do you look like an idiot, but you look like a desperate fucking idiot when you're asking EVERY woman at the table to dance!


- Men will get pissed at a woman he doesn't even know if another man succeeds with a woman HE failed with.


- I've said it once, and I'll say it again; most women have absolutely no interest in calling you, "Papi" or, "Daddy," or ANY reference to her father while being sexual.


- The "Catholic Schoolgirl" fantasy is fucking gross! You want a grown-ass woman to dress up and pretend to be your 13-15-year-old sister, niece, or daughter; you fucking pedophile!


- Minimum wage is an employer's way of saying, "If I could, I'd pay you less, but it's against the fucking law!"


- The gym isn't hell and working out isn't a dirty sin.


- There's absolutely, positively no fucking reason to take your nasty, hair-shedding dog into a grocery store or anywhere edible food is served or prepared. Of course, LEGAL state-recognized service animals are the exception. Comfort companions are NOT service animals!- If you have to have them, "What are we?" discussion with your partner, you're not in the same in the relationship.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SPIRIT OF GIVING

February 17, 2019

BY D.K. LION

Click Here to Add a Title

     With every new relationship comes new adventures, new experiences, and new opportunities. Opportunities to not only avoid the mistakes of the past but to experience new adventures with a new partner in hopes of getting things right. The truth of the matter is when two people decide to enter a relationship, certain things must be understood. While I firmly believe the concept of compromise is 100% complete bullshit, some concessions must be made to re-enforce and better the chances of a successful relationship.


     Being a subject that's both extremely important but overlooked and unrealized, it needs to be ushered more to the forefront of each persons' mind before entering a relationship; hell, even before THINKING about making yourself available to the possibility of even meeting someone.


     Being ready to meet someone is just as important as meeting the right person. What I mean is understanding and accepting the realization that you're not single anymore. Acknowledge things CAN and WILL change. There's no room in a relationship to act or behave like you're still single. Both men and women get stuck in the mentality of thinking the other person is trying to control or tell them what to do, but that's not true at all. When a person decides they want to be with someone, they have to be prepared for changes to their habits, routines, etc. Sacrifices and adjustments must be made. If that's an issue for debate or argument, if you're not ready to share the expectation of certain changes, then you're not ready to be in ANY relationship.


     The truth is, being ready for a relationship or even dating is more than just getting over your ex or through the healing process of your last relationship. We all know with each new romance comes an amount of mental and emotional baggage. It has to be kept in check if you want to have a chance at a successful relationship. The same goes for the sacrifices that must be made to get that same success.


     When it comes to your friends, if your friends are TRUE friends, they'll understand the adjustment in your interaction, They'll accept the changes in your dynamic and respect the fact that you're not going to be hanging out the way you used to. You're not going drinking every chance you get. The days of hitting the club on ladies night won't happen. Prowling for random ass is also long gone. Getting shit-faced drunk or spending money on drinks for other women isn't acceptable behavior. Her friends won't encourage her to accept drinks from other men or to head out to the floor with someone. Accepting his invitations, even for what YOU may view as a harmless dance means something totally different to him. The whole, "Work wife/work husband" shit needs to go right out the fucking window. That's disrespectful. There's also no such thing as acceptable, "playful" sexual innuendo; that's called disrespectful innuendo!


     Even before thinking about making yourself available to the possibility of meeting a potential partner, men and women must be in the right mindset to do so. That means being over any residual feelings from your past. Not just talking about wanting to be with them, but ALL feelings, including hatred, heartbreak, revenge, and so on. Both men and women must be prepared to accommodate the changes that come with being together for the long term, not just in the moment. It's easy to ignore and overlook the idea of making sacrifices and changes when you're not looking for anything long-term, but the heart wants what it wants when it wants it, so that one-night stand or first-night fuck, may evolve into your 5-year relationship, graduating to a fiancee.


     That being said, going out to the bar/club every weekend and staying out until 3 AM. Having a respectable curfew or checking in to make sure your partner knows you're safe or what time to expect you home is NOT a way to keep tabs on you. View it as a baseline so in case they don't hear from you by a certain time there may be something wrong. Flirting with members of the opposite sex, even if, "Just playing around." Coming and going as you please with no thought to respect or communication. These are all behaviors that have to be resolved BEFORE meeting somebody. Frequenting the strip clubs every weekend with the guys or going out broke and coming home drunk and allowing yourself to be in physically/sexually tempting situations. These are just a few things that absolutely MUST be surrendered before putting yourself, "On the market."


     When you're single, it's okay to flirt with members of the opposite sex playfully. It's okay for women to allow men to buy them drinks at the bar. When an attractive person crosses your path, there's nothing wrong with turning around to check out a woman's ass or for women to give a man the, "Up and down" stare. When you're in a relationship, and you're breaking your neck to watch her walk by makes you an asshole, especially when you're with your significant other. "Damn, she's/he's hot" isn't anywhere near the right thing to say TO or AROUND your partner. Stop telling stories about your ex. By the six month mark, both of you should've told any and every relevant story about an ex your partner should hear or should know. Let that shit go.


     Adding or following others on social media is another shitty thing to do and trying to keep ex's as friends, even if the breakup was amicable. If it bothers your present partner, let that shit go. Otherwise, you're telling your partner keeping an ex in your life is more important than they are; plain and simple. Trying to maintain relationships with the family of your ex is also fucked up, no matter how long the two of you were together. Relationships with the children of your ex are also fucked up, no matter how long you were in their lives. If it bothers your new partner, then you HAVE to deal with it. You HAVE to let it go! If you think that's unreasonable, or believe that's something your partner's just going to have to, "Deal with" you're not ready to be in a relationship. Deal with that shit first before you try to begin a new romance.


     On a side note, no matter what a man may tell you, he's only going to go so far into a relationship with a woman who's STILL carrying her ex-husband's last name. Being in specific career fields that requires specialized certifications, etc. that are in your married name, it's understandable the effort and hardship it may be to change them, so that would be an acceptable excuse. Having a different last name from your collective children DOES NOT make you any less of a good mother. Plain and simple, if you're not ready to even consider giving up another man's last name, you have NO BUSINESS trying to be in a relationship. Deal with that shit first! Too many women are using them, "Emotional bond with their kids" as a crutch or excuse. Being vindictive towards your ex by refusing to go back to your maiden name also makes you looked fucked up. Don't be shocked when your new man walks out on you because you want to get back at your ex-husband.


     Also, there comes the point to where it's no longer your job or responsibility to reach out to your ex. Sure, when the child's younger, contact will be expected. When your child reaches 16, they're old enough to communicate with their estranged parent on their own. If they want that parent at their graduation or birthday party, they're old enough to reach out on their own. There's no reason for you to do it on their behalf unless it's a surprise party or something of that nature.


     Drinking, Smoking, Drugs (Including weed) these all have to go. Binge-watching your favorite TV shows and movies ignoring your partner/family for fucking sports or to sit in front of the TV, playing video games or surfing the internet. A golden rule is if it takes away from your partner, especially after they've discussed it with you and it still doesn't sink in, satisfy yourself by being by yourself.


     That's not to say you can't or shouldn't have your own things. It's important to keep your own interests, hobbies and such. It's also good to develop new interests that may or may not include your partner, but there does have to be a balance. In pursuit of these interests or decisions, men and women tend to offer the most resistance, thinking their partner trying to control them or tell them what to do. They believe they're being put into a position to surrender their free will or individuality, so they'll naturally rebel against it.


     Be prepared to share financial responsibilities and decisions. Thinking you're going to control BOTH of your paychecks makes you an idiot. Telling your ex you don't want another man around his children makes you a fucking idiot. Thinking you're going to cram your two kids and her two kids in 1 bedroom for you to keep your, "Man room" makes you a stupid fucking idiot who has no business entering a relationship. Not only is accepting their partner's children important, but there's also a chance of bringing a problem child into their collective home. Agree on things like rewards/rules or discipline beforehand.


     Depending on the length of the relationship, getting a tattoo is something to discuss with your partner, so is dying or cutting 6 inches of your hair. The mentality, "It's MY body and I do what I want" has absolutely no business in a relationship. Biologically, it IS your body, but when you decide to share your life with someone your decisions affect both of you, and there's no room to shut down how the other person feels. The same goes for the way people dress. A single woman who goes out on the town with her friends has all the right to wearing sexy or provocative clothes. If she wants to wear a low cut dress or have the bottom of her ass barely covered is her choice. In a relationship, she has to realize she has to respect her partner if he communicates her dress for that night is inappropriate. "That's how I dressed when we met" is the company line, but that's when you were single; you're not single anymore. Showing respect for your relationship should be paramount. The same should be said about men. When with his friends, his, "Thug shit" may be acceptable, but going out with his lady in sagging shorts, ball cap turned backward, with a t-shirt bearing a stupid fucking cartoon character will embarrass the fuck out of your lady. Dress for the job you want, not the one you already have.


     It's not a struggle for power. It's not a play for control of the relationship. It's about respect. No one's trying to tell you what to do or make you feel like a child. There are no issues of mistrust. It's about respect and realizing you're in a relationship now. You're not single anymore. If you're not ready for the changes and adjustments or willing to make the sacrifices to have a successful relationship, then don't get into one. Stay single. These are not decisions to be made AFTER you've met someone. These are more preparatory before even opening the possibility of beginning a new romance. If you're not ready to make those accommodations, you're not ready. Get ready first.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

TRUTH VOL. 1

February 3, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

- If you're a straight man and another man invites you his place to watch porn, you need to ask him a few questions.


- If you accept his invitation, you may need to ask yourself a few questions as well.


- Every man should have a toolbox; even if it just has screwdrivers, wrenches, a hammer and socket set.


- A grown man who doesn't know how to change a tire is pretty much a lightly powdered, clean linen-scented bitch.


- Whether overweight or underweight being the case, if a woman and her man are physically able to fit and wear each others' clothes comfortably, ONE of you needs to change their eating habits and the other needs to go to the fucking gym!


- If you're in a relationship and the only directions you can look is straight up, straight down, or straight at your partner, without them getting bent out of shape, accusing you of checking someone else out, run. Run fast. Run fast as you fucking can. You're in the wrong relationship.


- Men will claim sexual addiction as an excuse AFTER caught cheating; hardly ever BEFORE.


- Sexual addiction is pretty much BULLSHIT! If he/she were addicted to sex, they would be fucking YOU all the time, not leaving you high and dry to fuck other people!!


- No matter how smooth or slick a man thinks he is when he does it, a woman already knows he's checking out her hips, lips, and tits. She also knows when she walks away, he's going to check out her ass.


- A man will turn down sex if he's not in the mood. The only time he'll turn down getting head is if you fucking suck at it, he's getting it from somewhere else, or he's trying to protect you from mouth herpes.


- When a woman tells you she can ONLY orgasm through oral sex; she's full of shit. Women are capable of 5 different types of orgasms. She's playing on your ego to get you to eat her pussy. She may not be able to have her favorite one through any other means but oral, but to say she can't orgasm AT ALL is a fucked up lie!


- Even if it were 15 years ago, most men wouldn't admit to EVER having an STD/STI.


- If your partner has decided to get fit and eat healthier, no one says you have to do the same; but if you continue to eat garbage in front of them, or expect them to cook shitty food that tempts or hinders their progress, You're fucked up.


- Either because he's jealous and possessive or he doesn't want anyone else to even look at her as being sexy or desirable, a man will attempt to, or intentionally sabotage his partner's motivation and progress about her wanting to get fit and lose weight.


- About 80% of the women you meet who'll take YOUR number and not offer hers, stating, "She'll call YOU," won't! She may think you're a good guy, but she's not interested. She's too kind to tell you.


- White women deal with disliking each other differently and most of the time better than black or Hispanic women. White women can hate each other and not only work on the same project together, but they can also actually hang out with mutual friends without causing a scene. Black and Hispanic women feel the need to let the object of their hatred know they are hated, along with everyone else in the group by talking shit to their face or behind their back.


- Much like dancing, Women who regularly frequent the gym relates a man's sexual prowess/ability by the way he works out.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

AGE APPROPRIATE

January 11, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

     Mortality, we all have to face and accept it. Getting older is an inevitable fact of life, and all must be prepared, regardless of the present age, gender, race, color, ethnicity, etc. One of the responsibilities of getting older is the expectation of evolving the way we speak in not only professional settings but social as well. Simply put, there's just some shit MEN shouldn't say, stop saying, or never should've started speaking in the first place.


- LITERALLY - A filler word intended to make you sound smart, but it actually does the complete opposite.


- DUDE


- NICE or SWEEEET! - If/when you get the answer or response you wanted. There's no way to say either of these without giving the impression you must be a 12-year-old virgin who jacks off to the bra/panty section of the dept. store catalog.


- C'MON, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN - You look stupid with your hand in the air, waiting on a hi-five that's never going to come.


- S'UP (What's Up?)" - I don't know what makes you a bigger assclown, saying it, or the stupid fucking upwards head-flip you do while you're saying it.


- BROTHER/BRO - Trust me, we know when that's not how you speak in normal conversation, so stop saying that shit for the benefit.


- SUPPOSABLY - That's not even a fucking word, it's SUPPOSEDLY!!


- BADASS (That's badass)


- BADASS - If you're STILL saying it, no one really thinks you are one!


- CONVERSATE - Another non-existent word people have adopted in everyday conversation, just because they heard it in a stupid fucking rap song. It's CONVERSE, you moron!


- NO OFFENSE - Translation: I'm sorry I'm about to kick you in the face, but I'm STILL about to kick you in the fucking face!


- Referring to the bathroom as the LITTLE BOYS ROOM - Enough said, you are fucking Pedophile!


- DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL - Show me an adult who'll say they've never said the word SHIT and I'll show you someone who's full of shit.


- BAE - Are you really so lazy or think so little about your partner they don't rate the second syllable?


- PHAT


- OMG


- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? - Translation: You've put on a few pounds’ babe, but it's too early in the morning to take a throat punch or a running sneaker kick in the balls.


- WHEN ARE YOU DUE? - She's not pregnant... BITCH!


- SORRY, BUT... - You're really not sorry, you're just trying to soften the blow before doing or saying something fuck up, knowing that it's fucked up.


- BECAUSE - Translation: I have no intelligent reason for what I just did or said, and I know you won't believe anything I can come up with.


- I CAN'T - Yes you can, you just don't want to, because you're either scared to try, or worried about failing.


- I WAS DRUNK - That's not an excuse, not even a bad one; never was, has, or will be...


- HATER - It's 2018, not 2008


- ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME - Just what the world needs, another unemployed philosophical hoodlum, whose closet is full of t-shirts with weed plants on them and working for cash to avoid child support.


- IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME - And if you really loved her, you'd let her fuck you in the ass with a strap-on and no lube. See how fucked up that statement can get?


- I'D HIT THAT/TAP THAT SHIT - That's a great statement to make, especially until you realize she's really a man.


- SHE JUST DOESN'T KNOW - In reference to sex with someone you see in passing. It's YOU who doesn't know that a woman will ALWAYS be capable of out-fucking you, due to women being multi-orgasmic.


- IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? - What the fuck kind of question is that, dick!?!?


- SELFIE


- YOU SHOULD START WORKING OUT - Yeah, that guarantees she'll NEVER find out you fucked around on her, caught an STD and have to be on antibiotics for the next week or so. You've successfully secured her safety because you won't be getting ANY pussy for at least two weeks or so.


- SICK (That's Sick) - In reference to something cool; and while you're at it, wanna come over and check out my digital monster battle card collection?


- YOLO


- MILF


- CHILL OUT/CHILL PILL - It's 2018, Remember?


- LET'S WATCH A PORNO - Wait... WHAT THE FUCK?? Big-ass white chicks riding black dicks, filmed by hicks who also suck dick? That's fucking sick, and you should expect a multitude of rapid right-side temple kicks!


- COMMANDO - That's only sexy when women do it and trust me, your boys don't want to hear about it. They don't want or need to know you don't have any fucking underwear on!


- WAIT UNTIL HALFTIME - Yeah, tell your woman that shit when she wants some dick, and you haven't spent much time together because of work, kids, etc. You'll be able to watch the rest of the game and every other game in peace because she met someone who'll give her that Spartan dick whenever she wants it.


- DID YOU CUM YET? - That turns a woman on more than you know, especially when you're asking every 30 seconds too! You already know the answer most of the time. Otherwise, you sound like an unsure, 12-year old, fucking for the first time.


- MAN-BUN, MAN-BAG, MAN-CRUSH, MAN-SCAPE - Don't strut or prance around, sweating machismo and masculinity from every pore, then exhibit questionable behavior, only to rationalize it by putting a male qualifier in front of it. You're fully aware these examples are self-consciously questionable. About your masculinity, that's why you feel the need to put the word, "MAN" in front of it because you know your manhood's going to be called into question.


- POTTY - (Unless you're training a child) And when you're done, mommy will powder your behind before she changes your diaper, you are a fucking weirdo!


- I DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN - Translation: Fuck, I hope she didn’t just catch me looking at that girl's ass!!


- MY LAST GIRLFRIEND... - Yet, another way to protect your woman from getting that STD you caught while she was out of town last week.


- REAL TALK


- HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH - OUCH! I can't believe a woman her size could kick that high!


- SUCK MY DICK (To another man) - Prepare yourself. You never know. You just might get a response you weren't ready for.


- IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING? - Translation: Don't wear that shit!


- I DON'T CARE - Translation: In no way, shape, or form am I interested in hearing your mouth on this subject, so do whatever you want.


- OFF THE HOOK/OFF THE CHAIN - What the fuck does that even mean?


- CUNT - Last but not least, the one word that'll get you kicked in the ball’s multiple times in rapid succession not only by the woman you directed it to but EVERY other woman who heard, heard about it, though they heard it, dreamed about hearing it, read your lips when you said it. Had a tingling sensation in the hairs on the back of her neck, alerting her to the possibility of it being mentioned.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

NEW SEXTAMENT

January 5, 2019

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

NEW SEXTAMENT

     Under every subject and in every situation, there are rules and commandments to live by in order to preserve peace, show respect, and allow for a deeper experience. Sex is no different. Even in this day and time, if the hope of an enjoyable sexual experience is the goal, there are rules that should be taken as commandments and should be adhered to and taken as law to avoid being punched in the throat or donkey-kicked in the balls for saying or doing something ridiculous when you should be taking things seriously.


- Thou shall not tell your friends how good sex is with your partner. You're asking for trouble, and possibly one of your friends may plot against you.


- Thou shall not ask questions while getting head. Forever question you ask, she has to stop, take the dick out her mouth to answer you. Just shut up and take the dick suck.


- Thou shall not try anal without warning.


- As a man, thou shall not invite another man to watch porn alone.


- Thou shall not fart while receiving oral then laugh about it.


- Thou shall not ask if you have the biggest or best dick she's ever had. It's not like she's gonna tell you the truth anyway, it's a moot question.


- Thou shall not check sports scores on your phone while hitting or checking/posting to social media while taking it from behind.


- Thou shall not break your neck looking at someone else as they walk by.


- Thou shall not assume your present partner enjoys what your EX liked or actually tell them so.


- Thou shall not ask for an honest critique of your performance, then get offended by the answer.


- Thou shall not kiss everywhere around the dick and not suck it.


- Thou shall not try to copy every porn position you've ever seen.


- Thou shall not mention a specific name if your partner agrees to the possibility of a threesome. All you've pretty much done is admit to your partner you've wanted to fuck someone specific.


- Thou shall not ask over and over again if she's enjoying the dick; just shut up and fuck.


- Thou shall not ask her to get naked while you keep your clothes on. Don't expect her to be so openly vulnerable while you keep your clothes on so you can hit the door as soon as you're done.


- Thou shall not expect to get on top if you're big as fuck. Man or woman, if you mount your partner and they start gasping and coughing, get your big ass off.


- Thou shall not use sex as a punishment or get your way.


- Thou shall not bitch when asked to use a condom.


- Thou shall not spread your man's ass cheeks wide open if he's on top.


- Thou shall not talk about babies or having babies while fucking.


- Thou shall not suck a dick like you're drinking a thick-ass milkshake. You're not sucking a cherry through a straw; that shit hurts. "Ouch!" isn't a sexy phrase... AT ALL!!


- Thou shall not lick the clit like you're sanding wood.


- Thou shall not refer to a one-night stand or a first night fuck as making love.


- Thou shall not refer to your woman's breasts as stupid names such as, "Milk sacks" or "Jugs."


- Thou shall not surprise a man by having a dick. That'll most certainly get your ass kicked.


- Thou shall not ask for a comparison to an ex or former lover.


- Thou shall not timidly ASK for oral. Be a fucking man; own that shit.


- Thou shall not try anything near the asshole without prior permission.


- Thou shall not assume manual/oral stimulation is enough or an adequate substitute for sex.


- Thou shall not assume she had an orgasm, just because you did.


- Thou shall not continuously ask if she came yet.


- Thou shall not ask for two women, then get pissed when she asks for two men.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

RESERVE CHUTE

December 23, 2018

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND INTRODUCING LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

     Imagine you're hauling ass down the track at 200+ MPH. Suddenly, something unthinkable happens. And before you know it, you have to slam on the brakes, deploying the parachute that slows you down to come to a COMPLETE stop.


     You're alone with your lady; a romantic dinner, followed by a close, sensual dancing and making out in the car. Things are progressing very well on its way to a night of fantastic sex. She's kneeling on the edge of the bed, face buried in the pillow taking it from behind like a champion and you're giving her the dick like a fucking Spartan. Then the unexpected happens... You say or do something fucked up, and she slams the brakes on you. You've just had the PUSSY PARACHUTE deployed on your ass.


     What exactly is the P2? The PUSSY PARACHUTE halts all sensual, intimate, and sexual activity IMMEDIATELY after a man says or does something so fucked up, no matter how amazing the dick is, she loses all interest and wants it out of her as soon as possible.


     There are plenty of reasons a woman will deploy the Pussy Parachute, and most of the time, Men are so damn dumb, they deserve it...


- Biting, squeezing or pinching nipples.


- Begging her to cum, No matter how many times you beg her, she'll cum when she's ready and you asking her about it over and over again, she's thinking, "Shut the fuck up!"


- Trying to be funny. While in the pussy is NOT the best time or place to crack a joke or say some stupid shit. Trying to be too dirty? Leave the porno talk to the actors.


- Verbal affirmation is essential to both men and women. Talking shit about how you're gonna break her back, give her the dick like she's never had before. Telling her how big your dick is and how long you can go, only to lie there in silence when she's riding you makes you an assclown.


- Refusing condoms is a sure way to get the P2!


- If you happen to be a guy with a 12" dick, don't try to, "Hit bottom" when you're in the pussy.


- Skipping foreplay is a HUGE no-no!


- Nothing turns a woman on more than her man sitting down next to her on the couch, hands clasped or rubbing nervous sweat from his palms on his jeans and politely asking for some, "Oral Stimulation" at her earliest convenience... Jackass! Walk up, pull your dick out and put it on her lips! She wonders what the fuck got into you, but rest assured; she'll wonder while she's sucking your dick!


- Letting her do all the work. We all know certain positions allow for the man or the woman to have to take the lead and do more physically, there are guys out there who'll make the woman do most of the work because he's a short-timer who's trying not to let on he's a 3-minute, 2-pump chump.


- If you know, she's self-conscious about the flab under her arms, or her "Muffin top," keep your fucking hands away from those areas. You trying to make her feel better about her body by touching her in those places annoys the fuck out of her, she loves you too much to donkey kick you or give you a solid throat-punch.


- Oh, and every woman LOVES having you grab the back of her head and shoving your dick all the way to the back of her throat! Nothing says I LOVE YOU like the sound of a woman choking, gasping to fucking breathe!!


- When you go down on your woman, take the time to explore her with your tongue. Don't just press down flat on her clit as hard as you can and lick like a thirsty dog, thinking it'll make her cum faster. Don't get mad when she punches you in the left temple because you're an idiot. And learn the difference between LICKING pussy and EATING pussy!!!


- SHAVE OR AT LEAST TRIM IT UP! No one wants to floss while they're still eating. Few things will kill the mood or get the Pussy Parachute quicker than watching or hearing your lady gag or tongue-flick rogue pubes off her tongue.


- A woman isn't going to orgasm EVERY time they have sex, especially as they get older, so stop trying to go and go until she does; after a while, you WILL make her sore, and NOT in a good way!


- Which would make you a bigger simple-minded, rude, inconsiderate, fuck-rag of an asshole? Farting while she's sucking your dick without warning her, or laughing about it, thinking it's fucking funny? She should hang your dumb ass with the cord from the Pussy Parachute before shoving the actual parachute up your asshole while you suffocate!


- If you intentionally try to put your dick in her ass without warning (or lube), you should present yourself for a hard, swift kick in the balls without argument. If you do it by accident, you're a fucking moron, but a throat slap should be expected.


- Oh yeah, nothing says, "I want you" like coming home, drunk and half-hard, trying to fuck.


- If she's fucking her man and one of his friends comes into the room, naked.


- Go ahead, pull out while she's sucking your dick and cum on her face without warning... I dare you. I hope she bites your dick all the way down the white meat! Or better yet, an uppercut to the sack, or a reach around with her fingers, right up your asshole! You're in a pretty vulnerable position to take on various attacks from multiple vantage points trying to be fucking cute or funny.


     The Pussy Parachute is nothing to take lightly. It can be deployed quickly and without warning, so wear your seat belt, drive safely, stay within your designated lane, make sure you ALWAYS have your insurance, obey all traffic laws, and you'll reach your destination with a smile on your face!


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

PASSAGES VOL. 2

November 27, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

PASSAGES VOL. 2

1. Lied to someone about how good they fucked you.

2. Pretended to be a member of the A-Team.

3. Farted and blamed someone else or allowed someone else to take the blame.

4. Had phone sex.

5. Gotten a boner in church.

6. Had a crush on a teacher.

7. Had pink eye.

8. Wished an ex, ends up with an STD after you broke up.

9. Hoped an ex, gets cheated on after finding out they cheated on you.

10. Had a Friend with benefits.

11. Took a shit, didn't have enough toilet paper and almost poked your finger through to your asshole.

12. Had a shitty blowjob.

13. Fucked someone, then immediately started planning your getaway.

14. Had sex or gotten a blowjob in someone's car because you didn't want them to know where you lived or even what type of car YOU drove.

15. Wanted to fuck one of your partner's friends.

16. Wanted to fuck your partner's mom or one of their relatives.

17. Lied on an application or embellished your resume.

18. Busted a nut and farted at the same time.

19. Had to piss while getting head but didn't say anything because you were worried she wouldn't finish, thinking she was going to taste residual piss.

20. Tried to make buttermilk by mixing butter and milk in the same glass.

21. Re-gifted a shitty present.

22. Told someone their partner was good-looking when they were ugly as fuck.

23. Been afraid to take a shit in someone else's bathroom because you knew it was going to be loud or stinky.

24. Sneezed in your hand and wiped it on someone or something you shouldn't have.

25. Played sick to stay home from school or work.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

PASSAGES VOL. 1

November 25, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

PASSAGES VOL. 1

    While there certainly are events that are considered rites of passage for everyone, i.e. learning to drive, getting your license, first date, voting, etc., there are also lesser-known, less likely to be admitted rites of passage that are crucial to our development and to not have experienced some or most of them are pretty damn criminal. You haven't fully experienced life until you've:


1. Made a Mixtape.

2. Been Dumped in public.

3. Said I love you when you really didn't.

4. Extended the 5-second rule to around 10-15 seconds, depending on what you dropped on the floor.

5. Caught your dick in your zipper.

6. Farted while having sex.

7. Farted out loud in public.

8. Waited too long and almost pissed your pants.

9. Had to fart while getting your dick sucked.

10. Been caught jacking off.

11. Been caught watching porn or had your parent find your porn stash.

12. Jacked off to the bra/panty section of the department store catalog.

13. Lied on your dick.

14. Intentionally fucked an ugly overweight person.

15. Had a pregnancy scare.

16. Saw a family member and thought, "Damn, if we weren't related..."

17. Had an STD scare.

18. Begged someone NOT to break up with you.

19. Lied about who dumped who.

20. Fucked someone, then ignored them the next time you saw them while you were with your friends.

21. Introduced/called someone by a different name.

22. Forgot to put on deodorant.

23. Realized halfway through the day you put your drawers on backward.

24. Cursed your parents under your breath.

25. Faked an orgasm or had one faked on you. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SMACK THAT

November 8, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL


     When's the last time you were out and about, running errands, shopping, waiting for service, etc. and something either caught your attention or someone crossed your path and made you think, "What the fuck?" or, "Really? That made sense to you?" Have you ever witnessed something or been exposed to the same behavior over and over again where you not only wanted to but had to physically refrain yourself from wanting to slap the monkey shit out of them? I'm sure we've all seen something or heard someone speak and you wondered, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" or, "How did you get through high school?" or even, "How the Arizona fuck are you still alive?"


     Some people just don't think before doing shit or don't think there's anything wrong with what they're doing, done, said. Then there are those who do questionable shit because they feel the rules just shouldn't apply, or it's just one time, so what's the big damn deal, as long as they accomplish what THEY need or want.


     It's ridiculous to expect common courtesy or even common sense when dealing with the masses in today's society of selfishness, entitlement, and just plain ignorance, but come the fuck on... some shit should just be second nature. What's even worse is when you come across people who know what they're doing is fucked up and they just don't care.


     While some can experience specific actions, behaviors, and the day to day choices people make and rationalize it to the human element, or even brush it off, unfortunately, I'm not one of them... Not all the time, anyway. There's just some shit that needs to be brought to light as being stupid or have the Happy horse shit slapped out of them, especially those who...


- Wait until their turn to order at the register in the fast food line. There could be three people standing in line in front of you, and you wait until it's your turn to order to look at the fucking menu?? You need to be slapped with a fucking meal tray!!!


- You know you eventually have to pay for whatever the cashier rings up, so why not have your cash/card in your hand when your shit gets totaled? Why do people act so fucking shocked when they have to pay for their shit? Then they think it's funny when they have to dig in their purse for their pocketbook or back pocket for their wallet like they honestly forgot they had to pay. It ain't cute or funny... assholes!!


- Trust me when I tell you the job of a cashier or employee at a business is to be friendly and helpful, it's not to fucking flirt, so stop holding them up, trying to sweet talk them, especially in the damn checkout line! She doesn't want you; she's just doing her job!


- When I opened my bank account, the banker asked, "Is anyone you'd like to authorize to make deposits to your account?" Yeah, you asshat, anybody who fucking wants to!"


- Being from Europe, there are certain holidays I'd never been exposed to until moving to the U.S., such as Independence Day or Thanksgiving. You'd be surprised how many people ask me, "Why don't they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?" Really? REALLY??


- People will step in front of you in line, knowing you were waiting before them; what's even worse is when they look at you and smile or giggle like it's fucking funny or cute. I'd rather think you were just an asshole who jumped ahead of me; acknowledging you knew I was next in line is essentially calling me a bitch in addition to your shitty action.


- Those who'll turn the opposite direction into a parking space, knowing you have the right of way, going with the flow of traffic "like you're supposed to" and even have your blinker on, and they STILL don't care; that'll get your car keyed QUICK!


- When there are 80 empty lockers in the locker room, and the naked guy always has to pick the one RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS!


- When you're out with your lady for the night; no matter how obvious it is you're there together, there's always some fucker who'll try to get her attention. Even though he's been caught doing it, he'll still try to position himself to where he can stare at her and try to make eye contact with her... If you're one of those guys, don't get mad if you get your ass kicked...


- NOT EVERYONE WANTS THEIR PICTURE TAKEN OR WANTS TO BE IN YOUR FUCKING PANORAMIC VIDEO!!! I don't even know why I have to say this... Also, that bright ass light on your camera phone is fucking annoying! Most people are just too polite to say anything about it, but every time one of those lights turn on because you want to make a video, at least half the room wants to slap the shit out of you!!


- It still boggles my mind and grosses me out how so many grown ass men STILL walk out of the bathroom without washing their hands... Nasty fuck! Somebody should slap you with a handful of shitty paper before it gets flushed.


- LEARN HOW TO CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED!!! Do I REALLY need to say any more than that about this?


- I wholeheartedly plan on slapping the Hawaiian fuck out the next person that wishes me a HAPPY Memorial Day.


- ANYONE who goes out, smelling like pot, and forcing everyone else to smell it too, is an ASSHOLE, plain in simple.


- While I understand consumers are inclined to get rid of the change in their purse, pocket, or whatever; but when it's .52 cents, just give the bitch two quarters and two pennies, don't hold up the fucking lines, looking for three dimes, two nickels, and twelve pennies... That'll make the person behind you want to smack the shit out of you with a full fucking coin purse!


- If you're not getting gas, don't park at the fucking pump to run in and grab a fucking drink or lottery ticket!


- If you're that guy who'll try to have a conversation in the locker room while you're naked, don't get mad if someone curses you out or even throws a fucking wastebasket at you!


- For those who do it because they're lazy, I hope one day your child, parent, best friend, etc. has an accident in a grocery store or something to where the paramedics can't get to them fast enough. Why, because they had to park so far away and haul all their gear with them because of someone else parked in the emergency RED ZONE because they just need to run in REAL QUICK to get a gallon of milk and your loved one fucking dies.


- If you believe it's wrong to expect someone to know English to live/work in America, but have no opinion or think it's okay that AMERICANS are turned down for jobs because they DON'T SPEAK SPANISH. You're an ignorant fucking hypocrite who needs a fucking slap across the face with a rolled up copy of the articles of independence!!


- STOP GOING OUT TO EAT and TRYING TO ORDER SHIT THAT AIN'T ON THE FUCKING MENU!!! You're not going to get them to make pasta at a fucking taco stand; so don't fucking ask!


- If you're broke the first time you check it, you're going to be broke the eighth time you check your balance at the ATM, so stop holding up the fucking line, ASSHAT!


- If you're that person who tries to ring up a full basket at the express line, just because there's no one standing there, trust me, the cashier wants to smack you. The person who walks up behind you with three items wants to smack the shit out of you and every person behind them wants to fuck you up while you're holding up the line, arguing with the cashier about why you have to go to another line... just move out the fucking way and find a normal line.


- I'm not the person you want to walk up behind, unannounced; I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!


- I'm not ticklish... and if you are trying to tickle me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, TWICE!!


- If you call yourself jumping out to try to scare me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU... MULTIPLE TIMES IN RAPID SUCCESSION!


- If I open the fridge to get some juice, and there's only one swallow left in the container, and I find out who did it, be prepared to have the Colorado fuck smacked out of you with a gallon of juice with one fucking swallow left in it, so it makes a slapping, slushing sound across your fucking face!


- If you use up all the copy paper, don't be the asshole and not refill it because you don't want to walk to the supply closet to get more... That's how people get the shit slapped out of them with full reams of paper...


- Using my shit without asking will result in your fuck-smack... Trust me...


- If you're at the club and a young lady walks by, and you grab her, calling yourself pulling her over to you, don't be shocked when she sticks her hand in your drink and slaps you with a little long island iced tea on her fingertips!


- Anyone who has plastic balls, hanging from the back of their truck should be smacked on principle.


- Anyone still using the N-Word should be smacked... 40 acres and a mule-style.


- If you think it's cute to shove cake in your new husbands' face during your wedding reception... trust me, there's at least 1 out of every 25 people there who thought he should smack the shit out of you with frosting on his fingers like camo-paint across your fucking face!


- This is an important Public Service Announcement... Ladies, somehow, if you haven't figured it out by now, learn how to suck a dick without using your teeth; failure to do so will result in the intentional or subconscious shit being smacked out of you!


- Men, your hesitation, negative reaction to, or failure to kiss your lady after she sucks your dick and swallows your load may result in the violent squeezing of your balls, prior to her spitting residual cum into the palm of her hand, followed by the smacking of your fuck face!


- If you're a bully, you should be prepared to have the shit smacked out of you. If you're the parent of a bully who gets the shit smacked out of him, when you rush angrily at your child's school to protest said smacking, there should be a residual delayed fuck-smack awaiting your arrival.


- A grown ass man wearing skinny jeans should get his skinny jean wearing ass fuck-smacked not only by another man but also by his grandson for taking his jeans out his closet.


- Any woman who tries to put her finger in someone's ass while fucking without a previous discussion should just pause for a second, close her eyes, hold her breath and await the arrival of a punch in the ribs or temple, followed by a multitude of short, heavy-handed, fuck-smacks!!


- People who refuse to cover their mouths when coughing in public should just expect a Menthol chest rub smack across the face.


- A cute BBW, giving you head, just might enjoy a Dick-inspired smack on the forehead... lol


- If you're going to cheat, cheat UPWARDS; otherwise, getting caught cheating on an exceptionally hot woman who treats you like a king with a nasty hood rat could result in you getting slapped with a used condom she just used to revenge cheat on you with...


- If you stand directly in front of the mirror at the gym to watch yourself curl 25 lbs, weights will get you slapped with a 5 lb plate.


- Checking your cell phone during a movie may be the reason you get hit with a half-full bucket of popcorn someone left on the floor from a previous movie.


- Taking your kid to church and expecting them to sit still is not only unreasonable... it's ridiculous, and then you'll be mad someone smacked you with a Bible and your kid with a Hymnal.


- Getting arrested for shoplifting/robbing a .99 cent store... You should slap yourself.


- With all the alternate options out there, if you drink and drive, someone should try fucking smack you with their car.


- Trying to fight inside a club should just be automatic that you get punched in the balls by every person there!


- Attempting anal sex without warning will result in a violent, upward thrust of someone's hand, to your jaw, rapidly followed by a series of short and medium fuck-slaps back and forth across your fucking face, ending with a long, drawn-out swing of one's foot to your balls... Asshole!!!


- Taking your newborn to your job, just to show him/her off is stupid, and you need to be slapped with a shitty wet wipe.


- Going back to visit a job you got fired from because you're cool with some of the people who work there makes you look like a fucking piece of shitty toilet paper that got stuck on the inside of your asscheek.


- If you honestly NEED to be told NOT to stick your hand under a lawnmower while the engine is running, you deserve to be slapped with a dirty plastic bag containing your bloody fingertips...


- Taking a three-month-old trick or treating, REALLY? We know you're using that kid to get candy for yourself. Somebody should hit you with one of the plastic pumpkins you have that damn candy in... Fat-ass!


- If Valentine's day is the one day you do something special for your lady, you deserve a heart-shaped slap across the right side of your face and from the left with those fucking red roses you bought off the street corner on your way home from work 20 minutes ago!


- If you don't feel comfortable giving a guy, you just met online your phone number, but you'll upload pictures of your children and yourself in your work uniform with your name tag showing...


- If you think your man wants to hear you bitch about another black man at the club with a white woman, you need to be slapped the fuck out of with a slightly damp cocktail napkin stuck to his hand.


~~~~~~


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