Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

FART OF WAR

Aug 11, 2019

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

     We all fart. If you're alive, you fart. People act like farting is some strange, disgusting phenomenon that only plagues the ugly, the poor, the uneducated, or overweight. Yet others make it humorous; something to use as a punch line or subject of comedy or the catalyst of a practical joke. Either way, thinking you're too cute or smooth to rip one that won't bring attention to yourself is an expectation you can't guarantee.


     We fart because of the buildup of certain gasses in our system that needs to be released, such as Carbon Dioxide, Methane, and Hydrogen. What we eat or drink also plays a role in how and when these gases are released through belching or farting. How we move our bodies and perform certain activities is also what makes our farts stinky vs. air-based depending on if it's the result of digestion or swallowing air.


     Here are a few of the more common types of farts you've probably come in contact with, or even served up yourself.


- SLOW-OPENING, CREAKING DOOR IN OLD HOUSE.


- SHORT, QUICK, EXPLOSIVE AIRBURST.


- SNEAKY, AIRBURST.


- HARD, WEIGHT-LOSS - When you rip one, and it feels like you actually lost weight after you're done.


- LONG, WET, UNDERWEAR-CHECKING.


- GYM/WORKOUT - Nothing says, "No pain, no gain" like the ripping of ass during your workout.


- HALF-FART, HALF SHIT.


- BUTT-BURNER.


- NINJA - Swift, silent, but deadly.


- HANGTIME - 30 second, continuous, "Will this fucker never end?" Type of fart.


- THE LOUD AS FUCK AS SOON AS THE ROOM GOES QUIET - This one never fails; it's like the fart can tell when the room's about to suddenly goes quiet before it rears it's ugly, stinky head and exits your asshole with extreme prejudice.


- LONG HISS - The stinkiest snake you'll ever experience in your life.


- ROOM-CLEARING.


- LOYAL PUPPY - No matter where you go, it seems to follow you around like a puppy you just brought home from the pound.


- FART BEFORE THE SHIT.


- RELEASE/FAULT VALVE - When having a huge fart but you release in quick puffs to relieve the pressure.


- HOT AND STANKY - (NOT STINKY, "STANKY")


- WALKING FART.


- RUNNING/TREADMILL.


- LAUGHING FART.


- BLAME FART - When you rip ass in a crowd and allow someone else to take the blame for it.


- ANONYMOUS - After you rip a loud fart, you look around like everyone else, pretending not to know where it came from.


- THE ZIPPER - Starts off low and high-pitched and ends up deep and loud.


- HISS INTO THE SLEDGEHAMMER.


- THE INEVITABLE - You know it's coming, and it's going to be horrifying.


- FAKE SHIT FART - You think you have to shit, but it's just a fart.


- THE SLITHERING SNAKE - The fart you can feel easing its way through your system on it's way to your asshole.


- THE RAP VIDEO - Makes your ass cheeks clap during discharge.


- SWAMP ASS - Too thick and stink to make any sound, but you sure as hell can smell it.


- THE INSIDE JOB - The internal fart that eases out the exhaust slowly and discreetly.


- THE GIRLY GIRL.


- THE DEMON - The fart that has you curling your toes and speaking a language you didn't even know you knew.


- THE GEMINI - The fart that sounds like more than one person ripped ass at that exact same moment.


- THE SLEEPY - The fart that you hear about the next morning; or you're unlucky enough for it to actually wake you up in the middle of the night.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

JOB INSECURITY

Aug 4, 2019

BY D.K. LION AND LISA JILLS

     Is there a way to spend time with someone and genuinely get to know them, without the initial thought or intent of having sex? One might think not, but actually, there is. There's such a place where two people can actually take it slow, spend time together, interact, and possibly lead to an eventual relationship without either being aware of what's happening or with sex being on the table. Not to say the thought wouldn't come up here and there, but for the most part, it would be about the mental connection first. It may sound like some made-up, magical village, but I assure you, it's very much real. 


     This seemingly magical land is called the workplace.


     Because men seek professional power and status, with their main focus on being the big boss. Although just as driven and motivated, women are still women, hoping to balance career AND start/have a family. In the corporate world, women tend to pursue men more, while in regular or blue-collar jobs, men are more likely to initiate interest in a woman. Some people see nothing wrong with dating a co-worker, I think it's one of the worst fucking ideas in the history of bad fucking ideas! There are PLENTY of available people in the world to choose from. Dating a co-worker is just fucking stupid; a potential disaster, wrapped in a tropical storm, engulfed in a typhoon, waiting to happen. Of all the people and places, a person could go to meet someone, why anyone would choose to date a co-worker is beyond me.


     I guess I could see how it could happen without planning or intent; you work with someone day in and day out for some time. It's difficult not to end up interacting and learning about one another. Light conversation between co-workers. Platonic interaction. Friendship. Light-hearted flirting and playful innuendos. I am getting to know basic things about each other; likes/dislikes, interests, and hobbies. Realizing how much you have in common will graduate to sharing personal information, sometimes even asking for advice or talking about issues and problems with your significant other.


     Men and women will flirt in the workplace because it allows them time to carefully plan each statement and response, much like a telemarketer script. They really don't have a deadline, so they can prepare each comment to make sure they don't come off like a creeper or an asshat. They'll find reasons to walk through their department or desk. They can approach each other and ask for assistance with something, even if they've done it a hundred times before.


     Conversations about personal life (Single or in a relationship, family, background, outside interests, favorite color, food, etc.) After a friendship has been successfully cultivated, if one person does happen to be in an unhealthy relationship, they could relay that unhappiness to the other person simply by asking their advice on issues between them and their significant other. It alerts that workplace interest there may be troubling waters ahead for his/her crush. They are spending time together at work-related gatherings. Playful flirting and joking about having the "Workplace wife or husband. The simple, friendly lunch invitation.


     Between projects and deadlines, meetings, and happy hours, it's only natural to learn about and get to know each other without any initial ulterior motives. Before you know it, you're finding yourself attracted to and thinking about someone in particular in more than just a professional capacity; and vice versa. Personalities will match, interests shared, and friendships formed. It starts with coincidental or scheduled breaks and lunches as a group. The innocent planning of lunches together or the majority of happy hour is spent with each other while placing interaction with other co-workers on the back burner.


     That all too innocent lunch may turn into dinner or a drink after hours. Group outings on Friday will offer an opportunity to see each other out of work mode. Instead of the button-up, a long-sleeved shirt she normally sees him in is replaced by a short-sleeved casual polo. She's never seen or noticed before how well-built or how flat his stomach is. She's always in work clothes or a business jacket, so the sight of her in a little black dress has him definitely seeing her in a different light. Group dances progress into the 2 of them cutting up the floor with the space between them decreasing with every song. Before too long, the gap's closed, and the two of them are grinding on each other or close enough to feel he's hard as a rock, and she's putting his hands all over her body.


     Then it happens. The ride home because one of them has had too much to drink, or their ride left them hours ago. The invitation inside and that's all she wrote.


     While it may seem there would be plenty of opportunities to recognize what was going on and apply the brakes in order to keep it professional, but it happens so quickly, but slow, organically, and naturally. It's a lot than you may think it would be to see it coming. On the other hand, it could be just as simple as noticing someone at work, finding each other attractive and going for it, plain and simple. This normally happens when it comes to new employees. They're untouched, virgin territory, with no internal history; no one knows who they are and there will be people in the workplace who take pride in being the first to, "Break in the new meat."


     Still, why is this such a bad idea to begin with? The quick answer would be asking the question, "Of all the other people in the world, why would anyone think it would be a good idea to choose someone you work with and see on a daily basis?" Why would anyone want to deal with the potential bullshit that may, and most likely will, come with it?


     First of all, dating someone you work with could violate company policy, plain and simple. Next, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, sooner or later, your co-workers will find out, and they'll be in your business. Because of this, the potential damage to the internal work dynamic and productivity can and will be affected because everyone's so fucking busy, trying to keep up with what and how the two of you are doing. The thought, expectation, or hope of drama, rumors, or gossip will be on everyone's mind, much like how people go to see stock car racing, hoping to see a crash. The possibility of one or both of them talking to their other co-workers will end up putting things out in the open you don't want to get out, such as sexual life/history and performance — personal issues, problems, etc.


     On the other hand, it could lead to being outcasted or exclusion by fellow co-workers. The praise or promotion you've worked so hard to get on the merits of your work and job performance may be viewed as a reward for sleeping with the right person. Some will expect to get away with certain things or avoid performing tasks or expecting special treatment if the relationship is with a supervisor or manager. Mary may have earned her promotion due to her dedication and hard work, but in the eyes of her peers, her advancement was the result of her relationship with David, the project leader. Due to a strict deadline, all vacation requests are denied, except for Melissa's because of a surgery she has scheduled. Since no one but her Human resources dept. Knows the actual reason why her request was granted over everyone else's, the rest of the team will assume it's because she's sleeping with Randall. Nicole may feel since she's dating Nick, he'll cover for her if there's an aspect of her job duties she doesn't want to do. John may believe he can leave early because Amanda's his boss and she leaves early on Fridays as well.


     Dating a co-worker is a bad idea because you see them not only at work but away from work also. It's even worse when it's just a fuck for you, and they thought it was or wanted more; then you have to see them every day afterward. Dating someone you work with will make you look bad in the eyes of your fellow co-workers, whether you're the man or the woman. Learning you may not have been the first could also throw a huge wrench in your work-born relationship. No one wants to find out they're the latest in a string of others or have to worry about hearing about the person you're dating from other people; even worse, having to see or work with someone who dated or has a sexual experience with the person you're with now. There could be unavoidable backlash from getting together with a serial dater from work. Nick really doesn't want to know Sarah was caught at the holiday party two years ago, bent over the copy machine, making it hard and deep from Derrick. Michele sure as hell doesn't want to hear about or know how good Mike gives oral from anyone Rebecca might have told when THEY were together.


     There could be that instance where things seem to be going well; UNTIL you find out the other person's married or in a relationship. Their wife/husband or significant other shows up at work to surprise them, and the two of you are at lunch, or in the office, having a private, "meeting." It could be at a happy hour, holiday party, or another work-based social gathering when you see them walking hand in hand with someone else. Even worse, that significant other could suspect their partner's up to no good. They'll show up at work, your intimate dinner or wherever and catch you both in a compromising situation.


     You may also have to deal with jealousy. Sarah and Mike have been seeing each other for about six weeks, but she's been assigned a project that places her in a situation where she has to work closely with Nick. It's no secret Nick has the eye of most of the women in their department, and that doesn't sit well with Mike at all. Tanya and Rob have been sleeping together for a while, but now Tanya works in a different department, where there are a lot more single men and Rob doesn't get to see her as much. But one day during lunch, he overhears some of the guys in Tanya's dept. Talk about how hot she is or how great her ass looks that day. Knowing the policy on dating, Rob has to keep his mouth shut and deal with it.


     Last, but not least. The nail in the coffin. The breakup. Congratulations, now all your personal shit is a matter of public record. (As far as the office is concerned) That thing you did to piss her off three months ago has already made its circumnavigation through to building. The way she moans and screams when she has an orgasm is the talk of the men's room. Every woman knows exactly how little a dick you're working with, and every guy now knows how good she sucks dick.


     Whether amicable or messy, a few things are certain; EVERYONE'S GOING TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT! The rumors, the gossip. The spreading of bullshit from those who want to be in the middle of all the drama. The combination of people getting into your business about the details of the breakup, or the fact that you STILL have to see and work with them. Whether or not it happened at work; if so, one or both of you could get fired for creating a hostile work environment for the other. Worse yet, one of you could not take the breakup well, resulting in a sexual harassment issue; even worse stalking and a public or violent incident. So, tell me, is it REALLY worth it? What if later on in your career, you meet someone you ACTUALLY like and get along with, they'll eventually find out about your past, and they may see themselves as just a notch in your belt and avoid getting involved with you.


     If you STILL think it's a good idea. If you honestly believe you've met someone you just absolutely HAVE to spend time with and form a relationship with at work, at least heed these warnings.


- Leave work at work and home at home. Don't bring work issues home and leave that argument over who left the fucking toilet seat up at home.


- Keep your relationship to yourself. Sure, you're going to want to tell you best friend that you may have found the man of your dreams at work, but don't tell them while you're both at work; you have no idea who else may be listening or control who walks in when you're talking.


- Don't date someone who could potentially be your superior, or vice versa. Don't date anyone who could end up being your competition for a promotion or advancement.


- Don't give or expect special treatment, just because you're dating.


- Learn the dating policy at your work.


- NO PDA! None. Nope. Nothing. Stop! Don't do it!


- Keep your focus on work. Don't allow the relationship to consume your time or attention, texting, sending emails, walking by, checking on them, and who they may be talking to.


- Don't force yourself to like someone just because they like you.


- Keep the serial dating to a minimum.


- Don't make it just a fuck. If you want/need sex THAT bad; work is the WORST place to look for/find it!


- Also, don't assume it's serious either. After 2-3 dates, don't go forward, thinking this is the one that's going to last forever.


- Communicate openly about expectations and how things are going to work while on the clock. Don't get bent if they're not as a lovey or affectionate as you think they should be; it has nothing to do with your relationship; it has to do with keeping people out of your shit or to keep from showing preferential treatment etc.


- Realize it may be temporary, and a breakup may be inevitable


- Lastly, and most importantly; DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO END THEIR MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU!


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

WRONG TYPE

June 30, 2019

BY SAMUEL

 Stereotypes. It's kind of hard to get past them. Some I've heard and known about for a while, but others I've only come across over the last few years. I've even passed a few on myself, thinking they were true. While some stereotypes can be explained to a point they could be actually believed by the most rational of people, others are just plain dumb as fuck, while some extend the boundaries of ridiculous into the realm of absolutely fucking insane. I can't imagine anyone believing them, much less spreading them forward as truth.


- LATIN WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH ANIMAL PRINT CLOTHING. Especially bigger women. Some women are so big when they put it on; they look like they swallowed a whole zebra, instead of her wearing zebra print stretch pants.


- LATIN WOMEN LOVE BIG-ASS EARRINGS. So do black women!


- OLDER ITALIAN WOMEN ARE INTO HUGE AMOUNTS OF EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE GAUDY FAKE JEWELRY.


- AFRICANS ARE FASTER RUNNERS. That's because they spend a lot of time, being chased by fucking puma, tigers, and leopards.


- BLACK MEN ARE BETTER AT BASKETBALL AND FOOTBALL.


- MEXICANS ARE BETTER AT BASEBALL, BOXING, AND SOCCER.


- WHITES ARE BETTER AT GOLF, HOCKEY, AND BOWLING.


- WHITE PEOPLE ARE BETTER SWIMMERS. Black people make better anchors.


- BLACK MEN CAN'T SWIM. Not true, but a lot of black men don't like large bodies of water or when their feet can't touch the bottom. Nothing will fuck up the head of the hardest, biggest thug than if his feet can't touch the bottom of the pool.


- ALL MEXICANS SPEAK SPANISH.


- THE "N-WORD" WAS INVENTED TO REFER STRICTLY TO BLACKS.


- BLACK PEOPLE MAKE BETTER RAPPERS.


- JEWS ARE GREEDY, STINGY AND BETTER WITH MONEY.


- JEWS ARE THE BEST AT DOING TAXES.


- ALL ASIANS KNOW KARATE.


- ALL MIDDLE EASTERNS ARE MUSLIMS, SPEAK ARABIC, AND ARE TERRORISTS.


- ALL BLACK PEOPLE LIKE FIRED CHICKEN AND WATERMELON.


- BLACK MEN COMMIT MORE CRIME. No! A black man will rob a bank, get away with $1.5 million dollars, and show up for work the next week at the local gas station, driving a brand-new $35,000 BMW.


- MOST MEXICANS ARE ILLEGAL. Or have at least 2 out of 5 family members who are.


- ITALIANS AND FRENCH MEN MAKE BETTER LOVERS.


- ASIANS ARE BEST AT MATH.


- IRISH MEN ARE ALCOHOLICS.


- BLONDES ARE THE BIGGEST PARTY GIRLS.


- MOST BLACK MEN ARE INTO SPORTS AND RAP MUSIC.


- MOST GERMANS ARE NAZIS.


- MOST BLACK WOMEN WOULD RATHER SPEND HER MAN'S MONEY THAN HER OWN. She believes her money is HER money, while his money is THEIR money.


- HOMOSEXUALS ARE/WERE THE MAIN CAUSE IN THE INITIAL SPREAD OF HIV/AIDS.


- WHITE WOMEN ARE TAKING ALL THE GOOD BLACK MEN. Not true! If you actually take the time to ask, most black men will ADMIT he approached that white woman!


- NATIVE AMERICANS ARE DRUNKS.


- MOST LANDSCAPERS ARE ILLEGALS.


- ASIAN WOMEN ARE SHITTY DRIVERS.


- BLACK MEN HAVE BIGGER DICKS. I can't say; ask a woman!


- WHITE WOMEN HATE HAVING BIG BUTTS. Depending on the type of man she's attracted to, some white women love the attention they get from men because of their thicker, curvier, hips, thighs, and ass.


- BLACK MEN LIKE BIG BUTTS. There's something about a big ass making that clapping sound while she's taking the dick from behind that drives the brothers crazy. He could care less if she looks like she was hit in the face with one of those baseball bats wrapped in the barbed wire if she has a "Fat ass" he'll fuck her; at least once.


- BLACK MEN LIKE WHITE WOMEN BECAUSE THEY SUCK DICK. Yeah, and?


- WHITE WOMEN ARE DOORMATS. That's some bullshit black women came up with to justify why black men pass them by.


- BLACK WOMEN ARE STRONGER THAN ANY OTHER RACE OF WOMAN. Again, propaganda perpetuated by bitter black women when they see a black man with anyone other than a black woman.


- GUYS WHO WORK OUT AND ARE IN SHAPE ONLY LIKE WOMEN WHO WORK OUT JUST AS MUCH A HE DOES.


- BLACK MEN ARE INTO FAT WHITE GIRLS, REDHEADS, AND ASIANS.


- WOMEN WITH BIG BUTTS PREFER SEX FROM BEHIND. Actually, women of ALL shapes and sizes enjoy, "Doggy-style," Not just thick or curvier women with big butts/thick hips. A lot of women enjoy it because of the angle of penetration from the man.


- BIG GIRLS DON'T LIKE BEING ON TOP. Some do, some don't. Those who don't normally have self-image issues.


- WHEN A MAN GOES OUT FOR THE NIGHT, HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO FUCK.


- ALL MEN ENJOY HAVING A WOMAN GRIND ON HIM ON THE DANCE FLOOR.


- LARGER WOMEN ARE EASIER TO TAKE HOME FOR THE NIGHT FOR SEX.


- CUTE, LARGE WHITE WOMEN SUCKS THE BEST DICK. Men believe these women KNOW they're cute, and the only reason men don't want them is because of their size. When they find a man who'll take them home, she'll try her best to get him hooked the first night by sucking his dick so good, and he'll almost shit himself.


- NICELY-DRESSED ITALIAN MEN ARE IN THE MOB.


- YOU CAN GET AIDS BY USING THE SAME TOILET AS A GAY PERSON.


- WOMEN ARE WORSE DRIVERS THAN MEN.


- WOMEN CAN'T DRINK AS MUCH AS MEN.


- OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY.


- EVERY GUY WITH MUSCLES IS ARROGANT, COCKY, AND THINK THEY CAN GET ANY WOMAN THEY WANT.


- EVERY GUY WITH MUSCLES LIKE HAVING WOMEN FEEL HIM UP. NO! No, the fuck they don't! Keep your fucking hands to yourself.


- ALL BLACK PEOPLE HAVE RHYTHM AND CAN DANCE.


- WOMEN GET BREAST ENHANCEMENTS FOR ATTENTION. Nope. Most get them because they don't like what they see when they look in the mirror. They could give a damn about what a man thinks of them.


- WOMEN DRESS SEXY WHEN THEY GO OUT TO ATTRACT MEN. Again, not true. They work hard to look the way they do, and they dress the way they do or want to for the purpose of making themselves look/feel good.


- BLACK MEN WHO DATE WHITE WOMEN HATE BLACK WOMEN. Black men hate the way black women act when they see a black man with a white woman.


- MOST BLACK WOMEN ARE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS WHEN THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY. Not true at all. There are a LOT of black women who are intelligent, soft-spoken, non-confrontational, professional people who know how to act in public.


- LATIN WOMEN MAKE BETTER WIVES AND HOMEMAKERS.


- ASIAN WOMEN ARE FREAKS IN THE BEDROOM.


- ASIAN MEN HAVE SMALL DICKS. I can't comment, ask a woman.


- BETWEEN BLACK, MEXICAN, AND WHITE MEN; MEXICANS ARE THE MOST SEXUALLY SELFISH.


- BLACK MEN ARE THE BIGGEST PLAYERS. Nope. Black men are the dumbest when it comes to being a player!


- ASIANS ARE BETTER WITH COMPUTERS.


- EVERY GUY WITH MUSCLES TAKE OR HAVE TAKEN STEROIDS AT SOME POINT.


- MEXICANS ARE GOOD AT FIXING CARS.


- SKINNY (THIN) WOMEN DON'T EAT MUCH OR HAVE AN EATING DISORDER.


- ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOVE, "SOUL FOOD." No, the fuck they don't! "Soul food" was a necessity for the time. It was an issue of hunger and survival. Most of that shit is horribly unhealthy and has NOTHING to do with heritage, tradition, or remembering where you come from. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

MEMORY LANE

June 2, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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     Remember the days when you walked into your favorite fast food restaurant and placed your order? The cashier took your money, gave you changed and gave you your drink; you stood there, watching as they scooped up those hot, fresh, french fries and slid them into a paper envelope-type sleeve. Then your sandwich; all juicy and smelling like they just took it off the grill. The point is, you stood there until you got your food, THEN you went and found a seat and ate. Nowadays, you walk up, place your order, they take your money, then give you an empty fucking cup and a receipt with a number on it; then tell you to go the fuck away until someone calls your fucking number.


     Remember full-service gas stations? Sure, it costs a little more per gallon, but realistically, I could almost guarantee if they made a comeback, even for just a lane or two per station, people would use them more than you'd think. They'd check your, fluids, tire pressure, etc. Not to mention would be pretty good after school or part-time job for that ungrateful, lazy bastard that lives under your roof where you pay for their cellphone, video game, movie channel and online subscriptions. Remember when store employees took you to the item you were looking for and actually helped you find it? Remember when you got caught playing sick to stay home from school?


     We're all guilty of putting our younger sister's dolls in naked and dirty sexual positions. Remember when CDs came in those big-ass pointless boxes? Camcorders were the size of small, portable land-based, anti-tank weapons? Sneakers were designed for specific athletic performance, not just for looking good at the club. Hide and seek? Old school dodgeball? You played with any damn ball you could find; whether it be a red rubber ball of a fully inflated basketball. "Sir," and, "Ma'ma" when you spoke to adults. We played sports for fun, not thinking about a pro career when we grew up. Boys and girls could play together, and nobody thought anything about it. Remember getting kicked outside to play after Saturday morning cartoons? Summer jobs? Soda was a privilege and fast food was a reward for a good report card or at least a perfect grade on a spelling test or exam.


     Remember the day where you could walk into a place with an application, hand it to a manager, and actually speak to him/her about a job opportunity? People were considerate and respected personal space; they waited their turn at the ATM or checkout line. They kept their distance until the person in front of them walked away. Nowadays, people will stand DIRECTLY behind you at the ATM; they'll step up right behind you while you're still getting your bags together and start swiping their card or doing whatever. While I have no issues with telling someone to back the fuck up, most people won't. Video games were 2-player; now the game companies make most of the single player to force parents to purchase 2 of the same systems/games in order to keep their arguing children happy and make more money.


     Remember when songs lasted for more than 3.5 minutes? Musicians actually had something to say, instead of trying to get rich off one damn song. Cellphones went from the size of bricks to small flip phones now back to big-ass 5-subject, college-ruled notebooks. You are wrapping your textbooks in brown paper so you could draw on them. Watching the news, hoping to see your school was closed for a snow day? Then there was that look of disappointment when your school was the only school that was open. How about when your teacher's request for the school T.V. and VCR came through on Friday, and it was a movie day. Cereal box prizes. Ordering clothes using the mail-in order form from the department store catalog and hauling ass to the phone before the answering machine picked up or forgetting to flip over or change the tape. Manually locking your car door or rolling the car window down, working those biceps!


     *69/*79? How about picking up the phone, dialing a woman's number, and asking her out, instead of sending her a damn text? Table manners. Believe it or not, there are STILL grown-ass people out there who chew with their mouths open or talk with food in their mouths. When you were sent to your room, it was an actual punishment. Cleaning the gunk off your computer mouse or trying to keep the mouse on the little-ass pad, getting hit in the mouth for talking back. Remember eating all the red popsicles so nobody else could have one? Music television channels actually played music? Were you finding out someone recorded over the VCR tape of your favorite television shows? That was the only time your parents were okay with you swearing out loud. What about having to stand there, with your finger on the fast-forward button of the VCR or your cassette player until you get to your favorite song or part in a movie?


     Remember when the good old days were the good old days? Before we were in such a damn hurry to get nowhere? Before having a nervous breakdown if we left our cellphone at home for even 30 minutes? Before binge-watching. Before we allowed technology to not only engulf our lives but cause such a dependence on it. While some things are better left in the past, it would be cool to see a few make a comeback, if nothing more than to show the new generations how things started and to perhaps generate an appreciation for what they have now. Even though we know they could care less, as long as they have their high-speed internet, video games, cell phones/text messages, and keys to the car.


     As for the rest of us who played outside, rode bikes, made bottle cap launchers, and sprayed each other with the garden hose when it was hot outside. For those of us who got our asses beat when we acted a damn fool; the next time you take a drink, whether it be water, alcohol, or milk; raise your glass and toast the good old days.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

ALONG 4 THE RIDE

May 12, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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     Our friends are important to us. They were on our side through thick and thin, good times and bad. They're our support system, our cheering section, and those few friends who'll set us straight when we get out of pocket. They'll tell us the truth, whether we like it or not. They watch out for us when we're drunk and try to prevent us from making catastrophic mistakes in judgment, and we'll do the same for them. We value their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Our friends are that tight-knit circle of extended family we'd give our last dollar to or the shirt from our backs.


     Our partner is our heart, our confidant. Our reason to believe there's someone out there for everyone. Although we may not have known them as long as some of our friends, but we want to give them the same level of attention, loyalty, and commitment. Our partner is our lover, our soulmate; the one we hope will be the last person we introduce to our friends as our partner.


     But what happens when your partner doesn't like or get along with your friends? What if your friends don't like or get along with the person you've chosen to be in a relationship with? How does that work? How do you balance your time, availability, or attention? Better yet? How do you keep the peace when either your friends or your partner are open about their dislike for the other?


     It's more important to a woman that her friends get along with her man. They don't have to like him, but their opinion and approval do mean a lot to her. Most men could care less if her friends don't like him, as long as they're respectful of him and his relationship with her. If he finds out they're trying to break them up to hook her up with someone else they think is a better match, he will confront his lady AND her friends. Men don't seek the same approval from HIS friends when it comes to the woman he's with. If he does, it's on a physical scale. He'll care whether or not they think she's hot or sexy, but that's about as deep as it'll go. Most women could care either way when it comes to whether or not his friends like her, as long as his FAMILY does.


     They say he's a cheater; he'll say one of them wants you. They'll tell you she's controlling; she'll say they're jealous.


     Maybe it's in their head; you may think they don't like you, but it may as simple as you have nothing in common. Different backgrounds (Both economical and social), education, life experiences, travel, etc. It just may be all in their head.


     They all grew up together. You can't expect to come between your partner and their friends if their bond began on the high school freshman football team or the cheerleading squad. You definitely shouldn't have to fight to find your place, and your man should include you in the conversation, while they're re-telling stories of the past.


     Perhaps your opinions don't mesh. They have kids, and you don't. You live in the city and choose suburban life. They don't eat meat, and you can't function without a burger at least twice a week. You're a coffee junkie, and they'd rather drink beer. Different age groups may be another reason. Ten years may not seem like much by way of a relationship, but when it comes to relating in conversation, it might as well be 20 years.


     Your friends and your partner may not get along because you believe they're a bad influence. He always gets drunk and into fights when he's out with the guys. They always try to get him to meet or hook up with women they meet. They tell him he's too young to be settled down with just one woman. They'll try to convince him he should be playing the field. Her friends may not like you because they don't think you're good enough. Job, income, education, whatever. They don't agree with the fact that you have kids from a previous relationship and they don't think you need to be taking on that responsibility; that's HIS mess. They may want you to be with someone from your circle. Jeff's been into you for a long time, and they see him as someone you should be with, so they'll be shitty to your man because they want to keep the relationships in-house.


     Ethnicity may certainly be a factor. More times than people think, their friends may actually be racist. It's never been realized before because you'd never dated or been interested in someone of a different race and they have a HUGE issue with it. They may see your partner as not being in your league physically. Height, weight, looks, etc. Especially men, they will question a man's choice if his lady doesn't match his caliber when it comes to looks. She may be overweight, not as pretty, or have the type of figure to compete with other women that may be interested in you.


     Your partner may not like your friends because of your behavior and personality change when you're around them. They may all be loud, boisterous, drunk assholes, and you follow suit only when you're with THEM. Normally you're quiet and level-headed, but when you get around Jimmy, the two of you act like fucking idiots. Nick's a jerk who thinks he's the best thing since the invention of the wheel and when the two of you get together, you become just as much of a chauvinist as he is, thinking women were put on this earth to fall to their knees and thank the stars you're talking to them. Amber's a party animal who's see nothing wrong with flirting and dancing up on guys. She'll pull two guys out on the dance floor and grind her ass up on both of them, or you'll find her stumbling drunk outside the bar, trying to convince you to let her go home with someone she just met. Donna's a modern, "Alpha-female" type who wants nothing more than to push her ideology of the super-empowered woman on everyone she knows, and you're nothing more than a caveman.


     You ignore your partner when you're with your friends. You accuse them of not putting in the effort to get to know your friends. They'll accuse your partner of not putting in the effort to get to know them. It's a round robin issue that has few options for a solution. The worst thing to do is to force anyone to choose.


     Explain to your partner your friends are YOUR friends. Your friends also have to realize when you're in a relationship, the Friday night club/bar thing isn't going to happen every weekend, and it's not going to be 2-3 am nights. There's a level of respect to be had when it comes to being in a relationship. Sometimes you're not going to make it to Saturday afternoon basketball at the gym. Your days of going out broke and coming home drunk because men have been buying you drinks all night are over. Your friends shouldn't be trying to talk you into hooking up with that fine blonde who just asked you to dance. Your world shouldn't revolve around your partner, but they shouldn't be on the backburner to your friends, no matter how long you've known them. If they're TRULY your friends, they'll respect your relationship without even having to discuss it.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

UNKNOWN DEPTHS

May 5, 2019

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

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     Doing the right thing, even when no one's looking is the layman's definition of integrity. When you think about it, Integrity should be paramount in everyone's behavior and personality. However, this expectation, much like others, are a ridiculous falsehood. Still, while some violations of integrity are just plain fucked up, some are funny as hell, and it's pretty entertaining to find out what goes on behind closed doors or when/if we don't think anyone's looking. When talking about the shit men do in that situation, it's hard not to laugh at the mere thought of what he could be doing while the wife is at work or shopping and the kids are with her or at school. When left alone, you can almost be certain men are guilty of:


- Peeing in the shower.


- Barely making it to the toilet when we have to take a shit.


- Trying to hold a piss in until the last minute because we don't want to wake up before our alarm goes off in 20 minutes.


- Belching the alphabet. Classic!


- Peeing in the bathroom sink. Don't even think about asking why not just shift over 1.5 feet and piss in the toilet. Hell, we don't even know. The answer could be because we don't want to risk peeing on the seat or the floor and having to get on our hands and knees to clean it up. Plus, we're fucking lazy at 2 am.


- Looking up former girlfriends on social media to see what they look like now or who they're with.


- Eating nail and toe clippings.


- Pulling underwear from the hamper and sniffing them to test cleanliness or possible candidacy for successful fabric refresher treatment.


- Eating bulk food from the grocery store. Nuts. Candies. Chocolate-covered pretzels. Dried fruit pieces. Hell, we've all done it; and our kids do it too.


- Watching "Reality" television programs.


- Sticking their hand in their underwear to pinch off their dick to keep from pissing themselves. It's like bending a water hose to keep the water from running out until you're ready for it.


- The pee-pee dance. EVERY man knows the pee-pee dance. It's that dance we do in a public restroom when we get to the urinal, and our fucking zipper gets stuck in the, "Up" position, or we can't get a grip of that fucking zipper tab.


- Not washing hands after taking a shit. Even if a guy washes HIS hands; ALWAYS use the paper towel to open the door. YOU may have washed your hands; but as soon as you grab the door handle, everything the guy that walked out before you who didn't wash his hands is now on yours as well.


- Examining the toilet paper BEFORE throwing it in the toilet after taking a shit. I'm not really sure what we're looking for or hoping to discover, but we still do it.


- Farting under the covers then pulling them over our head to see how bad it stinks. I think how bad a fart smells is a source of pride for men.


- Farting out loud, or fart and allowed someone else to take the blame for it.


- Sneezing and wiping snot on their arm or sleeve.


- Wiping their armpits and smelling their fingers. Sometimes we forget to put on deodorant; we've got a lot of shit on our minds in the morning.


- Using dish soap as laundry soap.


- Drinking straight from the container.


- Swiping some of their kid's Halloween candy. Trick or treat!


- Sneezing from nose and mouth, without covering either.


- Calling his woman bat-shit crazy behind her back.


- Gossiping to his friends about something his woman told him.


- Sneezing, coughing, laughing, and farting simultaneously.


- Lying about having plans so he can stay at home and relax without letting anyone down. or upsetting his lady.


- Using fabric refresher on his favorite shirt to wear again.


- Doing pushups right before going out on a date or on the town to look more, "pumped up" Believe it or not, I've seen guys pull out towels or mats and knock out a set or 2 of push-ups before heading into a club, bar, or restaurant to meet a date.


- Digging in their nose, then examining what comes out.


- Pissing in a bottle. Hey, sometimes the bathroom is kinda far away; too far to make it.


- Pulling over at night behind a dumpster to take a shit. When you gotta go, sometimes you gotta go. That's why you keep a roll of paper towels or an ugly shirt someone gave you in the car.


- Blowing snot rockets in the shower.


- Pissing on a public toilet seat.


- Sarcastically imitating or mocking his woman behind her back.


- Scratching balls then smelling their fingers. Gotta make sure they smell good; just in case a blow job may be in his immediate future.


- Whacking off in a sock.


- Eating something they just put in the garbage, thinking it's okay because it was on the very top.


- Extending the five-second rule to 15-20 seconds.


- Watching cartoons. You're NEVER too old for the classics!


- Washing their car, knowing it might rain. As long as it doesn't rain before you get to the club. Gotta pull up shining!


- Testing a 9-volt battery with their tongue.


- Watching a chick flick.


- Stopping off in the craft department at the store and spelling out inappropriate words with the large cardboard letters.


- Putting random things in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.


- Holding his woman's bra up to his chest, pretending he has boobs.


- Wearing his woman's bra on his head.


- Examining their junk for anything that may be strange-looking. Show me a guy who's never randomly examined his dick, and I'll show you a man who already knows he has something to be concerned about; he's in denial at that point and doesn't want to see or know how much it's spread.


- Measuring his dick.


- Taking dick pictures and deleting them.


- Adjusting their balls before sitting down. Sitting on your balls and squishing them hurts like a bitch.


- Shitting with the door open.


- Finding his wife or girlfriends vibrator or dildo and playing with it like a regular toy.


- Walking around naked, bouncing our dicks up and down or side to side. It's funny to hear my dick slapping against my upper legs.


- Reading on the toilet. That's where I do my best thinking and reading.


- Texting or talking on the phone while taking a shit.


- Using "Feminine" products, such as shampoos, shaving cream, facial cleansers, etc.


- Watching soap operas.


- Singing a pop song in a girl's voice.


- Pulling their underwear up to get a "Thong experience."


- Balancing wet washcloth on their dick to test its strength.


- Caressing his naked butt cheeks. Or spreading them open in the shower to feel the water run down the crack of his ass.


- Modeling in front of a mirror.


- Crying over a breakup.


- Imagining himself with someone else's body or with muscles.


- Playing with his daughter's dolls.


- Displaying his daughter's dolls in various sexual positions.


- Checking out one of his woman's friends.


- Picking his bellybutton and smelling it.


- Picking his nose then wiped it on something in passing.


- Popping a pimple in the mirror, just to see what comes out.


- Going through his woman's purse or phone for no reason.


- Using a blanket for a cape.


- Searching his kid's rooms for nothing, in particular, just trying to find something to use as common ground to relate to and communicate with them better.


- Watching weird porn. From blow-up dolls to animals; and everything in between.


- Wondering how they'd look pregnant. Every guy's shoved a pillow up his shirt, put his hands on his hips or behind his back, and stared at himself in the mirror.


- Testing the absorbancy of a tampon. Every guy's stuck a tampon in a glass of water to see just how much tampons can REALLY soak up. I can't be the only one!


- Painting his fingernails. Clear of course.


- Groping a mannequin.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

WORKIN IT

April 14, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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      In this article, we're heading back to the gym; not to talk about newbies, myths, or trainers. This time, we're going after the assholes. The assholes who not only KNOW they're assholes but don't give a shit about being an asshole. Like everywhere else, the gym a multi-mix of various personalities and habits, trying to co-exist under one roof for different reasons. Some who put work in and get in shape, some to watch and be seen, while others come just for something to do and say they worked out. Whatever the reason you decide to walk through those doors, you're more than likely to experience one or more of these assholes regularly. And if you can't say you have, you're most probably one of the assholes I'm going to be talking about.


     THE SHOWSTOPPER: This guy will make as much noise as possible, loading the bar or machine with his desired weight. He'll walk around with his chest out, prancing like a lion and grunting like a fucking pig, all the while keeping a tally on the number of people paying attention to him, especially the women. He'll slap and talk to himself, getting amped up to lift and grunting even louder. As soon as he's satisfied a good amount of people are watching him, he'll mount the bench, grunt and sing along with his headphones even louder until he lays back, presses the weight once or twice, then takes a 5 minutes break or unload the bench altogether.


     THE BENCH TEASE: This guy will load the bar with a significant amount of weight, giving the impression he's about to fuck that shit up and get some serious reps going on. Like the showstopper he'll bring attention to how much weight he has on the bar, and he'll drop down like he's about to bring the noise, only to sit back up, and unload the fucking machine; or he'll lift it just enough to get it off and drop it back on the rack like he just hit a full fucking set. That's the guy I want to smack the fuck out of for teasing me, thinking he was going to lift some heavy shit. That's no different than having a woman kissing all over the head and shaft, getting me good and hard, and not putting the dick in her mouth. It's a fucking tease!


     THE CHASER: This is more or less a game of cat and mouse This guy will show up with his lady, and he'll notice her watching what the guy working out next to them is lifting. The chaser will allow his pride to get the better of his common sense and try to chase or match the weight the mouse is lifting. He not only WANTS to but he NEEDS to prove his masculinity to his woman. When he realizes he can't, he'll turn bitch and either give the mouse a fucked up look or get bent at his lady for looking at another man.


     THE STALKER: While there are many variations of the stalker. I'm going to point out the guy who absolutely, positively, must be DIRECTLY behind or near a particular woman when he works out. No matter what exercise she's doing or wherever she goes, the stalker will manage to find an activity to do that puts him in creepy-close proximity of her so he can watch her ass through her tight, yoga-type stretch pants, or her super-short workout shorts that allow the bottom of her ass cheeks to hang out or barely keep from splitting her pussy meat from full view.


     THE FAVORITE: This guy will walk past 2-3 of the same machine, just to move YOUR towel or whatever while you're taking a break between sets, in the bathroom, or  to get water, to use THAT particular piece of equipment, because the one you're on is his, "Favorite" one. You're a douchebag.


     THE TEXTER: Between every set, this guy has to pick up his phone, read and respond to text messages while others are waiting. If you're that guy, don't get pissed when you get confronted by someone who's actually there put in work. Be glad and lucky he doesn't call you an asshole to your face right then and there. I usually walk and ask straight out, "Are you lifting or fucking texting?"


     THE DJ: Plain and simple, This guy will sit on the machine or bench, for 2-3 minutes, trying to find, "The right fucking song to lift to" WHAT THE FUCK?"
Seriously, if it's like that, make your fucking playlist BEFORE coming to the gym or get the fuck up and let someone else use the equipment. You're an asshole, Mr. DJ!


     THE TALKER: This guy will walk up to his friend, who's sitting on a machine or piece of equipment and have a 10 minute conversation about some bullshit, while keeping the the equipment out of use until someone asks them to move, which will, in turn, piss off the talker or his friend for whatever reason. If you want to talk, got to a fucking coffee house; or at least get the hell up so someone can use the machine.


     THE ADVICE CRITIC: This guy will ask you about the details or, "secrets" of your particular workout, but then criticize your response. When asked what type of pre-workout supplement someone may use, the critic will then tell you how you SHOULD be taking pre-workout. The critic will ask about a particular lifting technique, then criticize while explaining how HE does it. Why the fuck would you ask me in the first place if all you're going to do is pick the answer apart, asswagon?


     THE BABYSITTER: This is the guy who'll sit on the machine while flipping through songs, texting, talking, resting, etc. Anything he can do to keep the machine to himself. He'll just sit there to keep others from using it until he's completely done.


     THE 1-SETTER: This is the asshole who'll KNOW for a fact you're on a machine or equipment, just to walk up while you're getting some water. They'll change all your settings, weights, seat height, position, etc. just to do one fucking set, then walk away, without changing it back to where you had it.


     THE POSER: The guy who flexes in front of the mirror; ANY mirror he can find.

THE MIRROR HOG. This ass-wrangler will stand 1 foot from the mirror, just to watch himself do curls. Objects in the mirror are NOT stronger than they appear!


     THE WIGGLER/BOUNCER: If you're rocking, swinging, or wiggling, you're NOT fucking curling! If you're bouncing the weight off your chest, you're not benching!


     THE ADVICE GIVER: This guy will approach you and offer unwanted advice on how they work out, their techniques, tips, etc. Whether you want it or not, they give you the details of their routine and tell you how you can maximize the benefits of each exercise. They'll let you know you're wrong and how they do it.


     THE SELFIE GUY: This Assplug will assume it's okay to include other people in their videos or pictures of them working out and posting it on social media.


     THE CROTCH MAN: This dirty bastard will find the shortest, baggiest shorts he can, turn the bench around, lie back and do their exercises with his legs wide open and show his hairy nutsack to the rest of the gym. He'll act like he's surprised when someone tells him to turn the bench around because no one wants to see his balls hanging out his shorts, you nasty fuck!


     THE GYM PIMP: This wanna-be, self-proclaimed player, is used to being the ladies man. He's the guy who gets his dick hard, thinking all the women in the gym wanting to fuck him and he has his choice of any woman he wants. That works for him until someone who looks better, in better shape, works out harder and gets more attention than he does. He'll INSTANTLY turn bitch and hate on the other guy, who's there just to work out and go home.


     THE KISSING/PISSING GUY. This couple (Mostly the man) who can't go 5 minutes without coming over and staking a claim on his woman by giving her a kiss in front of everyone; not so much because he's THAT affectionate, but more staking his claim in front of everyone. He may as well piss a ring around her like a fucking wolf on a tree.


     THE BODYGUARD: Because he's so focused on who's looking at his lady or who she may be checking out, he can't even focus on his workout. He hates those little shorts she wears and how guys look at her ass from behind while she does squats or between her legs while she does leg raises on her side.


     THE DRESS UP GUY: The nutsack in question will show up to work out, wearing casual shoes, nice jeans and shirt (possibly before a lunch date or something) to get a quick lift in to look pumped up. Sometimes this guy will show up in club clothes right before he goes out in order to swell up before showing up at the club.


     THE HATER: As funny as this guy is, he'll turn bitch and get jealous as fuck when another guy walks in. He may not even know this guy, but he'll hate on him based on the attention he gets, the amount of weight he lifts, or his workout in general; whatever takes away from him being the center of attention.


     THE GUY WHO WANTS TO WORK OUT WITH YOU: I personally HATE this guy. They believe they can keep up with the intensity of your workout, or they're trying to up their level of training. What they don't understand is that while they're stepping up THEIR workout, they're dragging YOURS down.


     THE SINGER: This guy thinks everyone in the gym wants to hear them sing along with whatever they're listening to on their music device. They either don't realize how loud they are or just don't fucking care.


     THE SWEATER: That nasty, dirty, inconsiderate fuck who'll work out and sweat all over a bench or machine and will walk the fuck away without wiping that shit off.


     THE INFORMANT: Imagine you're working out, and some guy walks up to you and begins telling you everything about his workout, without you even asking about it.


     THE FRIEND: He wants to be friends with the guys who get checked out by women in the gym. He wants to be associated with the people who seem to get noticed by the hot girls.


     THE QUICK-CHANGE ARTIST: He wants to work in with you between your rest sets on the Smith machine. Only AFTER you say okay does he tell you he's doing incline bench with 60 lbs. of weight and you're already set up to do Decline bench with 180 lbs. So he wants to switch benches, strip the weight, do his set, then switch back when he's done over and over again. Get the fuck out of here, asshole.


     THE NEIGHBOR: Of all the empty space in the gym's locker room, for some fucked up reason, the neighbor can't work out anywhere else in the gym but right next to or behind someone else. Much like there could be 80 empty lockers in the locker room and someone chooses the locker RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS!


     THE CROWD: These groups of guys will ignore all the empty space in the gym and work 5-6 people in the same ten square-foot areas.


     Like everywhere else in the world, there's an etiquette that should be observed and respected, even in the gym. From moving someone's shit over because you have a favorite piece of equipment to walking around the locker room naked, the gym is no exception. Don't be that asshole.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

AGE APPROPRIATE

April 7, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

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     Mortality, we all have to face and accept it. Getting older is an inevitable fact of life, and all must be prepared, regardless of the present age, gender, race, color, ethnicity, etc. One of the responsibilities of getting older is the expectation of evolving the way we speak in not only professional settings but social as well. Simply put, there are just some shit MEN shouldn't say, stop saying, or never should've started saying in the first place.


- LITERALLY - A filler word intended to make you sound smart, but it does the complete opposite.


- DUDE


- NICE or SWEEEET! - If/when you get the answer or response you wanted. There's no way to say either of these without giving the impression you must be a 12-year-old virgin who jacks off to the bra/panty section of the dept — store catalog.


- C'MON, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN - You look stupid with your hand in the air, waiting on a hi-five that's never going to come.


- S'UP (What's Up?)" - I don't know what makes you a bigger assclown, saying it, or the stupid fucking upwards head-flip you do while you're saying it.


- BROTHER/BRO - Trust me, we know when that's not how you speak in normal conversation, so stop saying that shit for the benefit.


- SUPPOSABLY - That's not even a fucking word, it's SUPPOSEDLY!!


- BADASS (That's badass)


- BADASS - If you're STILL saying it, no one thinks you are one!


- CONVERSATE - Another non-existent word people have adopted in everyday conversation, just because they heard it in a stupid fucking rap song. It's CONVERSE, you moron!


- NO OFFENSE - Translation: I'm sorry I'm about to kick you in the face, but I'm STILL about to kick you in the fucking face!


- Referring to the bathroom as the LITTLE BOYS ROOM - Enough said, you fucking Pedophile!


- DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL - Show me an adult who'll say they've never said the word SHIT and I'll show you someone full of shit.


- BAE - Are you so lazy or think so little about your partner they don't rate the second syllable?


- PHAT


- OMG


- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? - Translation: You've put on a few pounds babe, but it's too early in the morning to take a throat punch or a running sneaker kick in the balls.


- WHEN ARE YOU DUE? - She's not pregnant... BITCH!


- SORRY, BUT... - You're not sorry, you're just trying to soften the blow before doing or saying something fuck up, knowing that it's fucked up.


- BECAUSE - Translation: I have no intelligent reason for what I just did or said, and I know you won't believe anything I can come up with.


- I CAN'T - Yes you can, you don't want to, because you're either scared to try, or worried about failing.


- I WAS DRUNK - That's not an excuse, not even a bad one; never was, has, or will be...


- HATER - It's 2018, not 2008


- ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME - Just what the world needs, another unemployed philosophical hoodlum, whose closet is full of t-shirts with weed plants on them & working for cash to avoid child support.


- IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME - And if you really loved her, you'd let her fuck you in the ass with a strap-on & no lube. See how fucked up that statement can get?


- I'D HIT THAT/TAP THAT SHIT - That's a great statement to make, especially until you realize she's really a man.


- SHE JUST DON'T KNOW - In reference to sex with someone you see in passing. It's YOU who doesn't know that a woman will ALWAYS be capable of out-fucking you, due to women being multi-orgasmic.


- IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? - What the fuck kind of question is that, dick!?!?


- SELFIE


- YOU SHOULD START WORKING OUT - Yeah, That guarantees she'll NEVER find out you fucked around on her, caught an STD and have to be on antibiotics for the next week or so. You've successfully secured her safety because you won't be getting ANY pussy for at least two weeks or so.


- SICK (That's Sick) - In reference to something cool; and while you're at it, wanna come over and check out my digital monster battle card collection?


- YOLO


- MILF


- CHILL OUT/CHILL PILL - It's 2018, Remember?


- LET'S WATCH A PORNO - Wait... WHAT THE FUCK?? Big-ass white chicks riding black dicks, filmed by hicks who also suck dick? That's fucking sick & you should expect a multitude of very quick right-side temple kicks!


- COMMANDO - That's only sexy when women do it and trust me, your boys don't want to hear about it. They don't want, or need to know you don't have any fucking underwear on!


- WAIT UNTIL HALFTIME - Yeah, tell your woman that shit when she wants some dick, and you haven't spent much time together because of work, kids, etc. You'll be able to watch the rest of the game & every other game in peace because she met someone who'll give her that Spartan dick whenever she wants it.


- DID YOU CUM YET? - That turns a woman on more than you know, especially when you're asking every 30 seconds too! You already know the answer most of the time. Otherwise, you sound like an unsure, 12-year old, fucking for the first time.


- MAN-BUN, MAN-BAG, MAN-CRUSH, MAN-SCAPE - Don't strut or prance around, sweating machismo and masculinity from every pore, then exhibit questionable behavior, only to rationalize it by putting a male qualifier in front of it. You're fully aware these examples are self-consciously questionable. In reference to your masculinity, that's why you feel the need to put the word, "MAN" in front of it, because you know you're manhood's going to be called into question.


- POTTY - (Unless you're training a child) And when you're done, mommy will powder your behind before she changes your diaper, you fucking weirdo!


- I DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN - Translation: Fuck, I hope she didn't just catch me looking at that girl's ass!!


- MY LAST GIRLFRIEND... - Yet, another way to protect your woman from getting that STD you caught while she was out of town last week.


- REAL TALK


- HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH - OUCH! I can't believe a woman her size could kick that high!


- SUCK MY DICK (To another man) - Prepare yourself. You never know. You might get a response you weren't ready for.


- IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING? - Translation: Don't wear that shit!


- I DON'T CARE - Translation: In no way, shape, or form am I interested in hearing your mouth on this subject, so do whatever you want.


- OFF THE HOOK/OFF THE CHAIN - What the fuck does that even mean?


- CUNT - Last but not least, the one word that'll get you kicked in the balls multiple times in rapid succession not only by the woman you directed it to but EVERY other woman who heard, heard about it, though they heard it, dreamed about hearing it, read your lips when you said it. Had a tingling sensation in the hairs on the back of her neck, alerting her to the possibility of it being said.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

HARD TO SAY PT. 1

March 31, 2019

BY D.K. LION, CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

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     As ridiculous as they may seem, here are our answers to some of the weirdest questions we've ever been asked that don't end up in our articles.


Q: Which bathroom is the best choice to use if a man and a woman wanted to get a little nasty and sneak off for a quickie while out for the night?


A: While the women's bathroom may be cleaner, chances are if another woman walked in and realized a man was in the ladies' room having sex, she may be more inclined to cause a scene.


     A man would walk into the men's room, realize a couple is having a quickie in one of the stalls; he'd handle his business and leave, without causing a scene. He may comment on support or encouragement. He'll go back to his friends and tell them, and they'd all be curious to know who the woman was. The drawback? The guy would probably have to go in the bathroom beforehand and make sure the toilet seat didn't have piss all over it and use a few seat covers to make sure the floor was dry.


Q: Is it asking too much to want a woman to know how to at least load, chamber and shoot a gun if it makes her man feel better that she can defend herself and their family in his absence?


A: I don't think so. I believe it's a small expectation that should be honored to make a man feel safe and confident that his lady or wife could defend herself and his family in case he wasn't there. Not to say she has to go to the range as much as he does, to learn marksmanship, but at least know how to squeeze off a round if the need arises.


Q: Considering you both are single, whose place do you go to for the first night/first date sex?


A: This a toss-up answer. On the one hand, a woman would feel safer and much more comfortable at her place; but does she REALLY want this guy to know where she lives? If she goes to HIS place, she may not be able to fully relax and be comfortable being somewhere she's never been before, especially with someone she just met, even though she's going to have sex with him on the first date or first night meeting him.


Q: If a man gets jumped by 2-3 other men, should his lady be expected to help him?


A: Uncertain; If he's getting his ass kicked and gets choked or knocked the hell out, chances are the same will happen to her. If they're both choked the hell out, who's going to drive them to the hospital? Just let him curl up in the fetal position until they stop, security comes out, or he passes the fuck out. The best way to help is to be conscious so she can call for help. Just stand there crying and screaming until they stop.


Q: When a couple decides to move in together, who's place do they move into, keeping in mind they either BOTH have homes they own or apartments they rent?


A: If they're both renting apartments, simply wait until both leases up then get a place of your own. If they both own their homes choose the more convenient place in regards to location, travel to/from work, shopping, etc. and rent the other for extra income.


Q: Should the man or woman be expected to initiate sex more than the other?


A: It should be a mutual initiation on BOTH parts, from BOTH partners. Of course, there will be times where one person will be in the mood and others won't, but sexual initiation should be pretty balanced. Both partners need to feel equally desired.


Q: Is it unreasonable to ask a woman to step out of her normal comfort zone and wear something sexier and more physically revealing if it turns her man on?


A: I don't think so, but her comfort should be considered first and foremost. If she's not the type of woman who's comfortable showing off her figure or a little cleavage, (And you STILL decided to date her), of course, her concerns should be respected. On the other hand, every once in a while she should be willing to please her man. Too many women are worried about looking like a "Slut" in the eyes of other people who she may NEVER see again in her life; why should their opinion trump her man's desire for her?


Q: Should a man be expected to put in more effort to dress classier when with his lady than with his friends?


A: Absolutely! Don't be one of those assclowns that goes out for a night on the town with his lady wearing socks up to his knees, sagging shorts off his ass or skinny jeans. Don't be a dick and wear a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it while she's rocking a nice, short, fitted, low-cut, sexy dress; hair & nails done, with just the right touch of makeup. You look like a fucking douchebag, claiming to be, "Keeping it REAL" Put on a polo shirt and jeans. AND PULL THEM THE FUCK UP TO YOUR WAIST!


Q: Who should take more of the lead and responsibility when it comes to birth control?


A: Although safe sex should be a concern and priority for BOTH partners, what else can a man do after putting on a condom? There are more options for birth control for women, and I don't see anything wrong with looking to a woman too, "Double-up" on her choices if applicable.


Q: Should the homeowner or overnight guest choose the side of the bed they sleep on?


A: That's a merry-go-round question. The owner will ask the guest what side they prefer; then the guest will respond, asking what side the homeowner normally sleeps on. This can turn into a 5-minute round robin until one person steps up and makes the decision for the both of them.


Q: Should women be able to call, "Dibs" on a man both her and her friend find attractive?


A: Men will respect each other if one approaches a woman and she showed interest in his friend. He'll back off and let his friend know she's interested.


     A woman will see this as a "Girl-code violation" Even when approached if a man reveals his interest with a woman's friend, she won't break the code because her friend saw you first. To a man, that's bullshit. We're human beings, not the front seat of the car on a road trip. It would be different if they were getting to know each other and he shifted his interest from one woman to another, but if his initial response was flattery, but interest in another woman in her group, there's no code violation.


Q: Should a woman be offended if she's dancing with a man and she realizes he hard as a rock?


A: No! If she's dancing and grinding her body close enough to him to where she can tell he's hard, what the hell does she expect? It would be silly and ridiculous for her to be offended. It should be taken as a compliment.


Q: How does a woman who dances with her ass all over a guy feel when he grabs her by the waist and starts, "Butt-banging" her?


A: Depends on how she's dancing with him. If they're dancing and he turns her around and starts dry-humping her doggy-style, he should expect a severely angered throat-punch, followed by a soccer-style kick to the sack area. If she's, "Twerking" all up on him, she shouldn't be THAT surprised. They may look weird as hell and ridiculous as fuck, but she shouldn't be too traumatized by it. Otherwise, she shouldn't have been grinding her ass on him.


Q: Why do women play hard to get so much when they're clearly into and attracted to a guy?


A: Because they think that shit is cute or funny. They believe it makes the man want her more. What they don't realize is that only men who are out, looking for sex for the night would be interested in chasing or pursuing her game of, "Hard to get" A decent guy won't even entertain the thought of playing that game.


Q: Why do women feel it's okay to approach a guy and dance with her ass grinding all over his crotch, but flip the hell out if a man does the same to her?


A: Because they think every man goes out, looking to hook up and the concept of personal space only applies to them because they have tits, ass, and pussy. To a woman, getting up on or groping a guy is less intrusive than if a man did the same to her because she feels entitled to her space. She feels whatever man she chooses automatically wants to fuck, and he's just waiting for someone to show him the door to the promised land. The concept he may not be interested in her at all doesn't cross her mind for one second.


Q: What makes men think women dress sexy for their attention or advances?


A: Because they're stupid. They're conceited. They're arrogant. They're selfish. They think women who go out wearing something that shows off her ass, tits, or curves is a signal that she's looking for a guy to take home.


Q: Should a man be okay with staying home to save money on childcare if his wife or long-time partner earns a considerable amount of more money?


A: Depends on if they're married or just in a long-term relationship. It would be a no-brainer if they were married. If he's bringing home less than what childcare costs, then perhaps they should sit down and discuss it as a valid option. It may be a little harder to convince a man to make a commitment like that if just in a relationship, no matter the length of time due to the fact there's less of a commitment to remain together. He may want to have his own money; just in case.


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

TRUTH VOL. 2

March 16, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

- If you have to have them, "What are we?" discussion with your partner, you're not in the same in the relationship.


- Just because a woman shows her physical/sensual attraction to a man, it doesn't mean she'll fuck you. It doesn't make her a tease either. Just because she shows, her affection is NOT a contract of sexual obligation.


- If you never played, "hide and go get it" when you were younger, you missed out.


- Most men who work out want a woman who takes her personal fitness seriously as well. She doesn't have to go as much as he does or work out as hard, but he prefers a woman who can share this interest, appreciate his hard work and support each other's goals.


- Beware of a man who refers to his tank top as a "Wifebeater."


- If he/she didn't have a job or car when the two of you met, don't be pissed when they STILL don't after a year.


- If they're shitty with money and finances when you met, they'll be just as shitty two years from now.


- If you were in shape when you met, don't get pissed when they stop fucking you after you gained 60 pounds because you don't see the purpose in it anymore or lost the desire to continue; especially if you're partner has communicated their concerns previously.


- If a woman dances one song with you, she DOES NOT belong to you for the rest of the night; nor is she obligated to fuck you after you buy her a drink.'


- Ladies, if you're not interested, don't let a guy buy you a fucking drink! You're not stupid; you know what he's doing!!!


- Men, not only do you look like an idiot, but you look like a desperate fucking idiot when you're asking EVERY woman at the table to dance!


- Men will get pissed at a woman he doesn't even know if another man succeeds with a woman HE failed with.


- I've said it once, and I'll say it again; most women have absolutely no interest in calling you, "Papi" or, "Daddy," or ANY reference to her father while being sexual.


- The "Catholic Schoolgirl" fantasy is fucking gross! You want a grown-ass woman to dress up and pretend to be your 13-15-year-old sister, niece, or daughter; you fucking pedophile!


- Minimum wage is an employer's way of saying, "If I could, I'd pay you less, but it's against the fucking law!"


- The gym isn't hell and working out isn't a dirty sin.


- There's absolutely, positively no fucking reason to take your nasty, hair-shedding dog into a grocery store or anywhere edible food is served or prepared. Of course, LEGAL state-recognized service animals are the exception. Comfort companions are NOT service animals!- If you have to have them, "What are we?" discussion with your partner, you're not in the same in the relationship.


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SPIRIT OF GIVING

February 17, 2019

BY D.K. LION

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     With every new relationship comes new adventures, new experiences, and new opportunities. Opportunities to not only avoid the mistakes of the past but to experience new adventures with a new partner in hopes of getting things right. The truth of the matter is when two people decide to enter a relationship, certain things must be understood. While I firmly believe the concept of compromise is 100% complete bullshit, some concessions must be made to re-enforce and better the chances of a successful relationship.


     Being a subject that's both extremely important but overlooked and unrealized, it needs to be ushered more to the forefront of each persons' mind before entering a relationship; hell, even before THINKING about making yourself available to the possibility of even meeting someone.


     Being ready to meet someone is just as important as meeting the right person. What I mean is understanding and accepting the realization that you're not single anymore. Acknowledge things CAN and WILL change. There's no room in a relationship to act or behave like you're still single. Both men and women get stuck in the mentality of thinking the other person is trying to control or tell them what to do, but that's not true at all. When a person decides they want to be with someone, they have to be prepared for changes to their habits, routines, etc. Sacrifices and adjustments must be made. If that's an issue for debate or argument, if you're not ready to share the expectation of certain changes, then you're not ready to be in ANY relationship.


     The truth is, being ready for a relationship or even dating is more than just getting over your ex or through the healing process of your last relationship. We all know with each new romance comes an amount of mental and emotional baggage. It has to be kept in check if you want to have a chance at a successful relationship. The same goes for the sacrifices that must be made to get that same success.


     When it comes to your friends, if your friends are TRUE friends, they'll understand the adjustment in your interaction, They'll accept the changes in your dynamic and respect the fact that you're not going to be hanging out the way you used to. You're not going drinking every chance you get. The days of hitting the club on ladies night won't happen. Prowling for random ass is also long gone. Getting shit-faced drunk or spending money on drinks for other women isn't acceptable behavior. Her friends won't encourage her to accept drinks from other men or to head out to the floor with someone. Accepting his invitations, even for what YOU may view as a harmless dance means something totally different to him. The whole, "Work wife/work husband" shit needs to go right out the fucking window. That's disrespectful. There's also no such thing as acceptable, "playful" sexual innuendo; that's called disrespectful innuendo!


     Even before thinking about making yourself available to the possibility of meeting a potential partner, men and women must be in the right mindset to do so. That means being over any residual feelings from your past. Not just talking about wanting to be with them, but ALL feelings, including hatred, heartbreak, revenge, and so on. Both men and women must be prepared to accommodate the changes that come with being together for the long term, not just in the moment. It's easy to ignore and overlook the idea of making sacrifices and changes when you're not looking for anything long-term, but the heart wants what it wants when it wants it, so that one-night stand or first-night fuck, may evolve into your 5-year relationship, graduating to a fiancee.


     That being said, going out to the bar/club every weekend and staying out until 3 AM. Having a respectable curfew or checking in to make sure your partner knows you're safe or what time to expect you home is NOT a way to keep tabs on you. View it as a baseline so in case they don't hear from you by a certain time there may be something wrong. Flirting with members of the opposite sex, even if, "Just playing around." Coming and going as you please with no thought to respect or communication. These are all behaviors that have to be resolved BEFORE meeting somebody. Frequenting the strip clubs every weekend with the guys or going out broke and coming home drunk and allowing yourself to be in physically/sexually tempting situations. These are just a few things that absolutely MUST be surrendered before putting yourself, "On the market."


     When you're single, it's okay to flirt with members of the opposite sex playfully. It's okay for women to allow men to buy them drinks at the bar. When an attractive person crosses your path, there's nothing wrong with turning around to check out a woman's ass or for women to give a man the, "Up and down" stare. When you're in a relationship, and you're breaking your neck to watch her walk by makes you an asshole, especially when you're with your significant other. "Damn, she's/he's hot" isn't anywhere near the right thing to say TO or AROUND your partner. Stop telling stories about your ex. By the six month mark, both of you should've told any and every relevant story about an ex your partner should hear or should know. Let that shit go.


     Adding or following others on social media is another shitty thing to do and trying to keep ex's as friends, even if the breakup was amicable. If it bothers your present partner, let that shit go. Otherwise, you're telling your partner keeping an ex in your life is more important than they are; plain and simple. Trying to maintain relationships with the family of your ex is also fucked up, no matter how long the two of you were together. Relationships with the children of your ex are also fucked up, no matter how long you were in their lives. If it bothers your new partner, then you HAVE to deal with it. You HAVE to let it go! If you think that's unreasonable, or believe that's something your partner's just going to have to, "Deal with" you're not ready to be in a relationship. Deal with that shit first before you try to begin a new romance.


     On a side note, no matter what a man may tell you, he's only going to go so far into a relationship with a woman who's STILL carrying her ex-husband's last name. Being in specific career fields that requires specialized certifications, etc. that are in your married name, it's understandable the effort and hardship it may be to change them, so that would be an acceptable excuse. Having a different last name from your collective children DOES NOT make you any less of a good mother. Plain and simple, if you're not ready to even consider giving up another man's last name, you have NO BUSINESS trying to be in a relationship. Deal with that shit first! Too many women are using them, "Emotional bond with their kids" as a crutch or excuse. Being vindictive towards your ex by refusing to go back to your maiden name also makes you looked fucked up. Don't be shocked when your new man walks out on you because you want to get back at your ex-husband.


     Also, there comes the point to where it's no longer your job or responsibility to reach out to your ex. Sure, when the child's younger, contact will be expected. When your child reaches 16, they're old enough to communicate with their estranged parent on their own. If they want that parent at their graduation or birthday party, they're old enough to reach out on their own. There's no reason for you to do it on their behalf unless it's a surprise party or something of that nature.


     Drinking, Smoking, Drugs (Including weed) these all have to go. Binge-watching your favorite TV shows and movies ignoring your partner/family for fucking sports or to sit in front of the TV, playing video games or surfing the internet. A golden rule is if it takes away from your partner, especially after they've discussed it with you and it still doesn't sink in, satisfy yourself by being by yourself.


     That's not to say you can't or shouldn't have your own things. It's important to keep your own interests, hobbies and such. It's also good to develop new interests that may or may not include your partner, but there does have to be a balance. In pursuit of these interests or decisions, men and women tend to offer the most resistance, thinking their partner trying to control them or tell them what to do. They believe they're being put into a position to surrender their free will or individuality, so they'll naturally rebel against it.


     Be prepared to share financial responsibilities and decisions. Thinking you're going to control BOTH of your paychecks makes you an idiot. Telling your ex you don't want another man around his children makes you a fucking idiot. Thinking you're going to cram your two kids and her two kids in 1 bedroom for you to keep your, "Man room" makes you a stupid fucking idiot who has no business entering a relationship. Not only is accepting their partner's children important, but there's also a chance of bringing a problem child into their collective home. Agree on things like rewards/rules or discipline beforehand.


     Depending on the length of the relationship, getting a tattoo is something to discuss with your partner, so is dying or cutting 6 inches of your hair. The mentality, "It's MY body and I do what I want" has absolutely no business in a relationship. Biologically, it IS your body, but when you decide to share your life with someone your decisions affect both of you, and there's no room to shut down how the other person feels. The same goes for the way people dress. A single woman who goes out on the town with her friends has all the right to wearing sexy or provocative clothes. If she wants to wear a low cut dress or have the bottom of her ass barely covered is her choice. In a relationship, she has to realize she has to respect her partner if he communicates her dress for that night is inappropriate. "That's how I dressed when we met" is the company line, but that's when you were single; you're not single anymore. Showing respect for your relationship should be paramount. The same should be said about men. When with his friends, his, "Thug shit" may be acceptable, but going out with his lady in sagging shorts, ball cap turned backward, with a t-shirt bearing a stupid fucking cartoon character will embarrass the fuck out of your lady. Dress for the job you want, not the one you already have.


     It's not a struggle for power. It's not a play for control of the relationship. It's about respect. No one's trying to tell you what to do or make you feel like a child. There are no issues of mistrust. It's about respect and realizing you're in a relationship now. You're not single anymore. If you're not ready for the changes and adjustments or willing to make the sacrifices to have a successful relationship, then don't get into one. Stay single. These are not decisions to be made AFTER you've met someone. These are more preparatory before even opening the possibility of beginning a new romance. If you're not ready to make those accommodations, you're not ready. Get ready first.


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

TRUTH VOL. 1

February 3, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

- If you're a straight man and another man invites you his place to watch porn, you need to ask him a few questions.


- If you accept his invitation, you may need to ask yourself a few questions as well.


- Every man should have a toolbox; even if it just has screwdrivers, wrenches, a hammer and socket set.


- A grown man who doesn't know how to change a tire is pretty much a lightly powdered, clean linen-scented bitch.


- Whether overweight or underweight being the case, if a woman and her man are physically able to fit and wear each others' clothes comfortably, ONE of you needs to change their eating habits and the other needs to go to the fucking gym!


- If you're in a relationship and the only directions you can look is straight up, straight down, or straight at your partner, without them getting bent out of shape, accusing you of checking someone else out, run. Run fast. Run fast as you fucking can. You're in the wrong relationship.


- Men will claim sexual addiction as an excuse AFTER caught cheating; hardly ever BEFORE.


- Sexual addiction is pretty much BULLSHIT! If he/she were addicted to sex, they would be fucking YOU all the time, not leaving you high and dry to fuck other people!!


- No matter how smooth or slick a man thinks he is when he does it, a woman already knows he's checking out her hips, lips, and tits. She also knows when she walks away, he's going to check out her ass.


- A man will turn down sex if he's not in the mood. The only time he'll turn down getting head is if you fucking suck at it, he's getting it from somewhere else, or he's trying to protect you from mouth herpes.


- When a woman tells you she can ONLY orgasm through oral sex; she's full of shit. Women are capable of 5 different types of orgasms. She's playing on your ego to get you to eat her pussy. She may not be able to have her favorite one through any other means but oral, but to say she can't orgasm AT ALL is a fucked up lie!


- Even if it were 15 years ago, most men wouldn't admit to EVER having an STD/STI.


- If your partner has decided to get fit and eat healthier, no one says you have to do the same; but if you continue to eat garbage in front of them, or expect them to cook shitty food that tempts or hinders their progress, You're fucked up.


- Either because he's jealous and possessive or he doesn't want anyone else to even look at her as being sexy or desirable, a man will attempt to, or intentionally sabotage his partner's motivation and progress about her wanting to get fit and lose weight.


- About 80% of the women you meet who'll take YOUR number and not offer hers, stating, "She'll call YOU," won't! She may think you're a good guy, but she's not interested. She's too kind to tell you.


- White women deal with disliking each other differently and most of the time better than black or Hispanic women. White women can hate each other and not only work on the same project together, but they can also actually hang out with mutual friends without causing a scene. Black and Hispanic women feel the need to let the object of their hatred know they are hated, along with everyone else in the group by talking shit to their face or behind their back.


- Much like dancing, Women who regularly frequent the gym relates a man's sexual prowess/ability by the way he works out.


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

AGE APPROPRIATE

January 11, 2019

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

     Mortality, we all have to face and accept it. Getting older is an inevitable fact of life, and all must be prepared, regardless of the present age, gender, race, color, ethnicity, etc. One of the responsibilities of getting older is the expectation of evolving the way we speak in not only professional settings but social as well. Simply put, there's just some shit MEN shouldn't say, stop saying, or never should've started speaking in the first place.


- LITERALLY - A filler word intended to make you sound smart, but it actually does the complete opposite.


- DUDE


- NICE or SWEEEET! - If/when you get the answer or response you wanted. There's no way to say either of these without giving the impression you must be a 12-year-old virgin who jacks off to the bra/panty section of the dept. store catalog.


- C'MON, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN - You look stupid with your hand in the air, waiting on a hi-five that's never going to come.


- S'UP (What's Up?)" - I don't know what makes you a bigger assclown, saying it, or the stupid fucking upwards head-flip you do while you're saying it.


- BROTHER/BRO - Trust me, we know when that's not how you speak in normal conversation, so stop saying that shit for the benefit.


- SUPPOSABLY - That's not even a fucking word, it's SUPPOSEDLY!!


- BADASS (That's badass)


- BADASS - If you're STILL saying it, no one really thinks you are one!


- CONVERSATE - Another non-existent word people have adopted in everyday conversation, just because they heard it in a stupid fucking rap song. It's CONVERSE, you moron!


- NO OFFENSE - Translation: I'm sorry I'm about to kick you in the face, but I'm STILL about to kick you in the fucking face!


- Referring to the bathroom as the LITTLE BOYS ROOM - Enough said, you are fucking Pedophile!


- DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL - Show me an adult who'll say they've never said the word SHIT and I'll show you someone who's full of shit.


- BAE - Are you really so lazy or think so little about your partner they don't rate the second syllable?


- PHAT


- OMG


- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? - Translation: You've put on a few pounds’ babe, but it's too early in the morning to take a throat punch or a running sneaker kick in the balls.


- WHEN ARE YOU DUE? - She's not pregnant... BITCH!


- SORRY, BUT... - You're really not sorry, you're just trying to soften the blow before doing or saying something fuck up, knowing that it's fucked up.


- BECAUSE - Translation: I have no intelligent reason for what I just did or said, and I know you won't believe anything I can come up with.


- I CAN'T - Yes you can, you just don't want to, because you're either scared to try, or worried about failing.


- I WAS DRUNK - That's not an excuse, not even a bad one; never was, has, or will be...


- HATER - It's 2018, not 2008


- ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME - Just what the world needs, another unemployed philosophical hoodlum, whose closet is full of t-shirts with weed plants on them and working for cash to avoid child support.


- IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME - And if you really loved her, you'd let her fuck you in the ass with a strap-on and no lube. See how fucked up that statement can get?


- I'D HIT THAT/TAP THAT SHIT - That's a great statement to make, especially until you realize she's really a man.


- SHE JUST DOESN'T KNOW - In reference to sex with someone you see in passing. It's YOU who doesn't know that a woman will ALWAYS be capable of out-fucking you, due to women being multi-orgasmic.


- IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? - What the fuck kind of question is that, dick!?!?


- SELFIE


- YOU SHOULD START WORKING OUT - Yeah, that guarantees she'll NEVER find out you fucked around on her, caught an STD and have to be on antibiotics for the next week or so. You've successfully secured her safety because you won't be getting ANY pussy for at least two weeks or so.


- SICK (That's Sick) - In reference to something cool; and while you're at it, wanna come over and check out my digital monster battle card collection?


- YOLO


- MILF


- CHILL OUT/CHILL PILL - It's 2018, Remember?


- LET'S WATCH A PORNO - Wait... WHAT THE FUCK?? Big-ass white chicks riding black dicks, filmed by hicks who also suck dick? That's fucking sick, and you should expect a multitude of rapid right-side temple kicks!


- COMMANDO - That's only sexy when women do it and trust me, your boys don't want to hear about it. They don't want or need to know you don't have any fucking underwear on!


- WAIT UNTIL HALFTIME - Yeah, tell your woman that shit when she wants some dick, and you haven't spent much time together because of work, kids, etc. You'll be able to watch the rest of the game and every other game in peace because she met someone who'll give her that Spartan dick whenever she wants it.


- DID YOU CUM YET? - That turns a woman on more than you know, especially when you're asking every 30 seconds too! You already know the answer most of the time. Otherwise, you sound like an unsure, 12-year old, fucking for the first time.


- MAN-BUN, MAN-BAG, MAN-CRUSH, MAN-SCAPE - Don't strut or prance around, sweating machismo and masculinity from every pore, then exhibit questionable behavior, only to rationalize it by putting a male qualifier in front of it. You're fully aware these examples are self-consciously questionable. About your masculinity, that's why you feel the need to put the word, "MAN" in front of it because you know your manhood's going to be called into question.


- POTTY - (Unless you're training a child) And when you're done, mommy will powder your behind before she changes your diaper, you are a fucking weirdo!


- I DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN - Translation: Fuck, I hope she didn’t just catch me looking at that girl's ass!!


- MY LAST GIRLFRIEND... - Yet, another way to protect your woman from getting that STD you caught while she was out of town last week.


- REAL TALK


- HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH - OUCH! I can't believe a woman her size could kick that high!


- SUCK MY DICK (To another man) - Prepare yourself. You never know. You just might get a response you weren't ready for.


- IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING? - Translation: Don't wear that shit!


- I DON'T CARE - Translation: In no way, shape, or form am I interested in hearing your mouth on this subject, so do whatever you want.


- OFF THE HOOK/OFF THE CHAIN - What the fuck does that even mean?


- CUNT - Last but not least, the one word that'll get you kicked in the ball’s multiple times in rapid succession not only by the woman you directed it to but EVERY other woman who heard, heard about it, though they heard it, dreamed about hearing it, read your lips when you said it. Had a tingling sensation in the hairs on the back of her neck, alerting her to the possibility of it being mentioned.


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

NEW SEXTAMENT

January 5, 2019

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

NEW SEXTAMENT

     Under every subject and in every situation, there are rules and commandments to live by in order to preserve peace, show respect, and allow for a deeper experience. Sex is no different. Even in this day and time, if the hope of an enjoyable sexual experience is the goal, there are rules that should be taken as commandments and should be adhered to and taken as law to avoid being punched in the throat or donkey-kicked in the balls for saying or doing something ridiculous when you should be taking things seriously.


- Thou shall not tell your friends how good sex is with your partner. You're asking for trouble, and possibly one of your friends may plot against you.


- Thou shall not ask questions while getting head. Forever question you ask, she has to stop, take the dick out her mouth to answer you. Just shut up and take the dick suck.


- Thou shall not try anal without warning.


- As a man, thou shall not invite another man to watch porn alone.


- Thou shall not fart while receiving oral then laugh about it.


- Thou shall not ask if you have the biggest or best dick she's ever had. It's not like she's gonna tell you the truth anyway, it's a moot question.


- Thou shall not check sports scores on your phone while hitting or checking/posting to social media while taking it from behind.


- Thou shall not break your neck looking at someone else as they walk by.


- Thou shall not assume your present partner enjoys what your EX liked or actually tell them so.


- Thou shall not ask for an honest critique of your performance, then get offended by the answer.


- Thou shall not kiss everywhere around the dick and not suck it.


- Thou shall not try to copy every porn position you've ever seen.


- Thou shall not mention a specific name if your partner agrees to the possibility of a threesome. All you've pretty much done is admit to your partner you've wanted to fuck someone specific.


- Thou shall not ask over and over again if she's enjoying the dick; just shut up and fuck.


- Thou shall not ask her to get naked while you keep your clothes on. Don't expect her to be so openly vulnerable while you keep your clothes on so you can hit the door as soon as you're done.


- Thou shall not expect to get on top if you're big as fuck. Man or woman, if you mount your partner and they start gasping and coughing, get your big ass off.


- Thou shall not use sex as a punishment or get your way.


- Thou shall not bitch when asked to use a condom.


- Thou shall not spread your man's ass cheeks wide open if he's on top.


- Thou shall not talk about babies or having babies while fucking.


- Thou shall not suck a dick like you're drinking a thick-ass milkshake. You're not sucking a cherry through a straw; that shit hurts. "Ouch!" isn't a sexy phrase... AT ALL!!


- Thou shall not lick the clit like you're sanding wood.


- Thou shall not refer to a one-night stand or a first night fuck as making love.


- Thou shall not refer to your woman's breasts as stupid names such as, "Milk sacks" or "Jugs."


- Thou shall not surprise a man by having a dick. That'll most certainly get your ass kicked.


- Thou shall not ask for a comparison to an ex or former lover.


- Thou shall not timidly ASK for oral. Be a fucking man; own that shit.


- Thou shall not try anything near the asshole without prior permission.


- Thou shall not assume manual/oral stimulation is enough or an adequate substitute for sex.


- Thou shall not assume she had an orgasm, just because you did.


- Thou shall not continuously ask if she came yet.


- Thou shall not ask for two women, then get pissed when she asks for two men.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

RESERVE CHUTE

December 23, 2018

BY CHARLES, SAMUEL AND INTRODUCING LISA JILLS

Click Here to Add a Title

     Imagine you're hauling ass down the track at 200+ MPH. Suddenly, something unthinkable happens. And before you know it, you have to slam on the brakes, deploying the parachute that slows you down to come to a COMPLETE stop.


     You're alone with your lady; a romantic dinner, followed by a close, sensual dancing and making out in the car. Things are progressing very well on its way to a night of fantastic sex. She's kneeling on the edge of the bed, face buried in the pillow taking it from behind like a champion and you're giving her the dick like a fucking Spartan. Then the unexpected happens... You say or do something fucked up, and she slams the brakes on you. You've just had the PUSSY PARACHUTE deployed on your ass.


     What exactly is the P2? The PUSSY PARACHUTE halts all sensual, intimate, and sexual activity IMMEDIATELY after a man says or does something so fucked up, no matter how amazing the dick is, she loses all interest and wants it out of her as soon as possible.


     There are plenty of reasons a woman will deploy the Pussy Parachute, and most of the time, Men are so damn dumb, they deserve it...


- Biting, squeezing or pinching nipples.


- Begging her to cum, No matter how many times you beg her, she'll cum when she's ready and you asking her about it over and over again, she's thinking, "Shut the fuck up!"


- Trying to be funny. While in the pussy is NOT the best time or place to crack a joke or say some stupid shit. Trying to be too dirty? Leave the porno talk to the actors.


- Verbal affirmation is essential to both men and women. Talking shit about how you're gonna break her back, give her the dick like she's never had before. Telling her how big your dick is and how long you can go, only to lie there in silence when she's riding you makes you an assclown.


- Refusing condoms is a sure way to get the P2!


- If you happen to be a guy with a 12" dick, don't try to, "Hit bottom" when you're in the pussy.


- Skipping foreplay is a HUGE no-no!


- Nothing turns a woman on more than her man sitting down next to her on the couch, hands clasped or rubbing nervous sweat from his palms on his jeans and politely asking for some, "Oral Stimulation" at her earliest convenience... Jackass! Walk up, pull your dick out and put it on her lips! She wonders what the fuck got into you, but rest assured; she'll wonder while she's sucking your dick!


- Letting her do all the work. We all know certain positions allow for the man or the woman to have to take the lead and do more physically, there are guys out there who'll make the woman do most of the work because he's a short-timer who's trying not to let on he's a 3-minute, 2-pump chump.


- If you know, she's self-conscious about the flab under her arms, or her "Muffin top," keep your fucking hands away from those areas. You trying to make her feel better about her body by touching her in those places annoys the fuck out of her, she loves you too much to donkey kick you or give you a solid throat-punch.


- Oh, and every woman LOVES having you grab the back of her head and shoving your dick all the way to the back of her throat! Nothing says I LOVE YOU like the sound of a woman choking, gasping to fucking breathe!!


- When you go down on your woman, take the time to explore her with your tongue. Don't just press down flat on her clit as hard as you can and lick like a thirsty dog, thinking it'll make her cum faster. Don't get mad when she punches you in the left temple because you're an idiot. And learn the difference between LICKING pussy and EATING pussy!!!


- SHAVE OR AT LEAST TRIM IT UP! No one wants to floss while they're still eating. Few things will kill the mood or get the Pussy Parachute quicker than watching or hearing your lady gag or tongue-flick rogue pubes off her tongue.


- A woman isn't going to orgasm EVERY time they have sex, especially as they get older, so stop trying to go and go until she does; after a while, you WILL make her sore, and NOT in a good way!


- Which would make you a bigger simple-minded, rude, inconsiderate, fuck-rag of an asshole? Farting while she's sucking your dick without warning her, or laughing about it, thinking it's fucking funny? She should hang your dumb ass with the cord from the Pussy Parachute before shoving the actual parachute up your asshole while you suffocate!


- If you intentionally try to put your dick in her ass without warning (or lube), you should present yourself for a hard, swift kick in the balls without argument. If you do it by accident, you're a fucking moron, but a throat slap should be expected.


- Oh yeah, nothing says, "I want you" like coming home, drunk and half-hard, trying to fuck.


- If she's fucking her man and one of his friends comes into the room, naked.


- Go ahead, pull out while she's sucking your dick and cum on her face without warning... I dare you. I hope she bites your dick all the way down the white meat! Or better yet, an uppercut to the sack, or a reach around with her fingers, right up your asshole! You're in a pretty vulnerable position to take on various attacks from multiple vantage points trying to be fucking cute or funny.


     The Pussy Parachute is nothing to take lightly. It can be deployed quickly and without warning, so wear your seat belt, drive safely, stay within your designated lane, make sure you ALWAYS have your insurance, obey all traffic laws, and you'll reach your destination with a smile on your face!


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

PASSAGES VOL. 2

November 27, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

PASSAGES VOL. 2

1. Lied to someone about how good they fucked you.

2. Pretended to be a member of the A-Team.

3. Farted and blamed someone else or allowed someone else to take the blame.

4. Had phone sex.

5. Gotten a boner in church.

6. Had a crush on a teacher.

7. Had pink eye.

8. Wished an ex, ends up with an STD after you broke up.

9. Hoped an ex, gets cheated on after finding out they cheated on you.

10. Had a Friend with benefits.

11. Took a shit, didn't have enough toilet paper and almost poked your finger through to your asshole.

12. Had a shitty blowjob.

13. Fucked someone, then immediately started planning your getaway.

14. Had sex or gotten a blowjob in someone's car because you didn't want them to know where you lived or even what type of car YOU drove.

15. Wanted to fuck one of your partner's friends.

16. Wanted to fuck your partner's mom or one of their relatives.

17. Lied on an application or embellished your resume.

18. Busted a nut and farted at the same time.

19. Had to piss while getting head but didn't say anything because you were worried she wouldn't finish, thinking she was going to taste residual piss.

20. Tried to make buttermilk by mixing butter and milk in the same glass.

21. Re-gifted a shitty present.

22. Told someone their partner was good-looking when they were ugly as fuck.

23. Been afraid to take a shit in someone else's bathroom because you knew it was going to be loud or stinky.

24. Sneezed in your hand and wiped it on someone or something you shouldn't have.

25. Played sick to stay home from school or work.


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

PASSAGES VOL. 1

November 25, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

PASSAGES VOL. 1

    While there certainly are events that are considered rites of passage for everyone, i.e. learning to drive, getting your license, first date, voting, etc., there are also lesser-known, less likely to be admitted rites of passage that are crucial to our development and to not have experienced some or most of them are pretty damn criminal. You haven't fully experienced life until you've:


1. Made a Mixtape.

2. Been Dumped in public.

3. Said I love you when you really didn't.

4. Extended the 5-second rule to around 10-15 seconds, depending on what you dropped on the floor.

5. Caught your dick in your zipper.

6. Farted while having sex.

7. Farted out loud in public.

8. Waited too long and almost pissed your pants.

9. Had to fart while getting your dick sucked.

10. Been caught jacking off.

11. Been caught watching porn or had your parent find your porn stash.

12. Jacked off to the bra/panty section of the department store catalog.

13. Lied on your dick.

14. Intentionally fucked an ugly overweight person.

15. Had a pregnancy scare.

16. Saw a family member and thought, "Damn, if we weren't related..."

17. Had an STD scare.

18. Begged someone NOT to break up with you.

19. Lied about who dumped who.

20. Fucked someone, then ignored them the next time you saw them while you were with your friends.

21. Introduced/called someone by a different name.

22. Forgot to put on deodorant.

23. Realized halfway through the day you put your drawers on backward.

24. Cursed your parents under your breath.

25. Faked an orgasm or had one faked on you. 


~~~~~~


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SMACK THAT

November 8, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL


     When's the last time you were out and about, running errands, shopping, waiting for service, etc. and something either caught your attention or someone crossed your path and made you think, "What the fuck?" or, "Really? That made sense to you?" Have you ever witnessed something or been exposed to the same behavior over and over again where you not only wanted to but had to physically refrain yourself from wanting to slap the monkey shit out of them? I'm sure we've all seen something or heard someone speak and you wondered, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" or, "How did you get through high school?" or even, "How the Arizona fuck are you still alive?"


     Some people just don't think before doing shit or don't think there's anything wrong with what they're doing, done, said. Then there are those who do questionable shit because they feel the rules just shouldn't apply, or it's just one time, so what's the big damn deal, as long as they accomplish what THEY need or want.


     It's ridiculous to expect common courtesy or even common sense when dealing with the masses in today's society of selfishness, entitlement, and just plain ignorance, but come the fuck on... some shit should just be second nature. What's even worse is when you come across people who know what they're doing is fucked up and they just don't care.


     While some can experience specific actions, behaviors, and the day to day choices people make and rationalize it to the human element, or even brush it off, unfortunately, I'm not one of them... Not all the time, anyway. There's just some shit that needs to be brought to light as being stupid or have the Happy horse shit slapped out of them, especially those who...


- Wait until their turn to order at the register in the fast food line. There could be three people standing in line in front of you, and you wait until it's your turn to order to look at the fucking menu?? You need to be slapped with a fucking meal tray!!!


- You know you eventually have to pay for whatever the cashier rings up, so why not have your cash/card in your hand when your shit gets totaled? Why do people act so fucking shocked when they have to pay for their shit? Then they think it's funny when they have to dig in their purse for their pocketbook or back pocket for their wallet like they honestly forgot they had to pay. It ain't cute or funny... assholes!!


- Trust me when I tell you the job of a cashier or employee at a business is to be friendly and helpful, it's not to fucking flirt, so stop holding them up, trying to sweet talk them, especially in the damn checkout line! She doesn't want you; she's just doing her job!


- When I opened my bank account, the banker asked, "Is anyone you'd like to authorize to make deposits to your account?" Yeah, you asshat, anybody who fucking wants to!"


- Being from Europe, there are certain holidays I'd never been exposed to until moving to the U.S., such as Independence Day or Thanksgiving. You'd be surprised how many people ask me, "Why don't they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?" Really? REALLY??


- People will step in front of you in line, knowing you were waiting before them; what's even worse is when they look at you and smile or giggle like it's fucking funny or cute. I'd rather think you were just an asshole who jumped ahead of me; acknowledging you knew I was next in line is essentially calling me a bitch in addition to your shitty action.


- Those who'll turn the opposite direction into a parking space, knowing you have the right of way, going with the flow of traffic "like you're supposed to" and even have your blinker on, and they STILL don't care; that'll get your car keyed QUICK!


- When there are 80 empty lockers in the locker room, and the naked guy always has to pick the one RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS!


- When you're out with your lady for the night; no matter how obvious it is you're there together, there's always some fucker who'll try to get her attention. Even though he's been caught doing it, he'll still try to position himself to where he can stare at her and try to make eye contact with her... If you're one of those guys, don't get mad if you get your ass kicked...


- NOT EVERYONE WANTS THEIR PICTURE TAKEN OR WANTS TO BE IN YOUR FUCKING PANORAMIC VIDEO!!! I don't even know why I have to say this... Also, that bright ass light on your camera phone is fucking annoying! Most people are just too polite to say anything about it, but every time one of those lights turn on because you want to make a video, at least half the room wants to slap the shit out of you!!


- It still boggles my mind and grosses me out how so many grown ass men STILL walk out of the bathroom without washing their hands... Nasty fuck! Somebody should slap you with a handful of shitty paper before it gets flushed.


- LEARN HOW TO CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED!!! Do I REALLY need to say any more than that about this?


- I wholeheartedly plan on slapping the Hawaiian fuck out the next person that wishes me a HAPPY Memorial Day.


- ANYONE who goes out, smelling like pot, and forcing everyone else to smell it too, is an ASSHOLE, plain in simple.


- While I understand consumers are inclined to get rid of the change in their purse, pocket, or whatever; but when it's .52 cents, just give the bitch two quarters and two pennies, don't hold up the fucking lines, looking for three dimes, two nickels, and twelve pennies... That'll make the person behind you want to smack the shit out of you with a full fucking coin purse!


- If you're not getting gas, don't park at the fucking pump to run in and grab a fucking drink or lottery ticket!


- If you're that guy who'll try to have a conversation in the locker room while you're naked, don't get mad if someone curses you out or even throws a fucking wastebasket at you!


- For those who do it because they're lazy, I hope one day your child, parent, best friend, etc. has an accident in a grocery store or something to where the paramedics can't get to them fast enough. Why, because they had to park so far away and haul all their gear with them because of someone else parked in the emergency RED ZONE because they just need to run in REAL QUICK to get a gallon of milk and your loved one fucking dies.


- If you believe it's wrong to expect someone to know English to live/work in America, but have no opinion or think it's okay that AMERICANS are turned down for jobs because they DON'T SPEAK SPANISH. You're an ignorant fucking hypocrite who needs a fucking slap across the face with a rolled up copy of the articles of independence!!


- STOP GOING OUT TO EAT and TRYING TO ORDER SHIT THAT AIN'T ON THE FUCKING MENU!!! You're not going to get them to make pasta at a fucking taco stand; so don't fucking ask!


- If you're broke the first time you check it, you're going to be broke the eighth time you check your balance at the ATM, so stop holding up the fucking line, ASSHAT!


- If you're that person who tries to ring up a full basket at the express line, just because there's no one standing there, trust me, the cashier wants to smack you. The person who walks up behind you with three items wants to smack the shit out of you and every person behind them wants to fuck you up while you're holding up the line, arguing with the cashier about why you have to go to another line... just move out the fucking way and find a normal line.


- I'm not the person you want to walk up behind, unannounced; I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!


- I'm not ticklish... and if you are trying to tickle me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, TWICE!!


- If you call yourself jumping out to try to scare me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU... MULTIPLE TIMES IN RAPID SUCCESSION!


- If I open the fridge to get some juice, and there's only one swallow left in the container, and I find out who did it, be prepared to have the Colorado fuck smacked out of you with a gallon of juice with one fucking swallow left in it, so it makes a slapping, slushing sound across your fucking face!


- If you use up all the copy paper, don't be the asshole and not refill it because you don't want to walk to the supply closet to get more... That's how people get the shit slapped out of them with full reams of paper...


- Using my shit without asking will result in your fuck-smack... Trust me...


- If you're at the club and a young lady walks by, and you grab her, calling yourself pulling her over to you, don't be shocked when she sticks her hand in your drink and slaps you with a little long island iced tea on her fingertips!


- Anyone who has plastic balls, hanging from the back of their truck should be smacked on principle.


- Anyone still using the N-Word should be smacked... 40 acres and a mule-style.


- If you think it's cute to shove cake in your new husbands' face during your wedding reception... trust me, there's at least 1 out of every 25 people there who thought he should smack the shit out of you with frosting on his fingers like camo-paint across your fucking face!


- This is an important Public Service Announcement... Ladies, somehow, if you haven't figured it out by now, learn how to suck a dick without using your teeth; failure to do so will result in the intentional or subconscious shit being smacked out of you!


- Men, your hesitation, negative reaction to, or failure to kiss your lady after she sucks your dick and swallows your load may result in the violent squeezing of your balls, prior to her spitting residual cum into the palm of her hand, followed by the smacking of your fuck face!


- If you're a bully, you should be prepared to have the shit smacked out of you. If you're the parent of a bully who gets the shit smacked out of him, when you rush angrily at your child's school to protest said smacking, there should be a residual delayed fuck-smack awaiting your arrival.


- A grown ass man wearing skinny jeans should get his skinny jean wearing ass fuck-smacked not only by another man but also by his grandson for taking his jeans out his closet.


- Any woman who tries to put her finger in someone's ass while fucking without a previous discussion should just pause for a second, close her eyes, hold her breath and await the arrival of a punch in the ribs or temple, followed by a multitude of short, heavy-handed, fuck-smacks!!


- People who refuse to cover their mouths when coughing in public should just expect a Menthol chest rub smack across the face.


- A cute BBW, giving you head, just might enjoy a Dick-inspired smack on the forehead... lol


- If you're going to cheat, cheat UPWARDS; otherwise, getting caught cheating on an exceptionally hot woman who treats you like a king with a nasty hood rat could result in you getting slapped with a used condom she just used to revenge cheat on you with...


- If you stand directly in front of the mirror at the gym to watch yourself curl 25 lbs, weights will get you slapped with a 5 lb plate.


- Checking your cell phone during a movie may be the reason you get hit with a half-full bucket of popcorn someone left on the floor from a previous movie.


- Taking your kid to church and expecting them to sit still is not only unreasonable... it's ridiculous, and then you'll be mad someone smacked you with a Bible and your kid with a Hymnal.


- Getting arrested for shoplifting/robbing a .99 cent store... You should slap yourself.


- With all the alternate options out there, if you drink and drive, someone should try fucking smack you with their car.


- Trying to fight inside a club should just be automatic that you get punched in the balls by every person there!


- Attempting anal sex without warning will result in a violent, upward thrust of someone's hand, to your jaw, rapidly followed by a series of short and medium fuck-slaps back and forth across your fucking face, ending with a long, drawn-out swing of one's foot to your balls... Asshole!!!


- Taking your newborn to your job, just to show him/her off is stupid, and you need to be slapped with a shitty wet wipe.


- Going back to visit a job you got fired from because you're cool with some of the people who work there makes you look like a fucking piece of shitty toilet paper that got stuck on the inside of your asscheek.


- If you honestly NEED to be told NOT to stick your hand under a lawnmower while the engine is running, you deserve to be slapped with a dirty plastic bag containing your bloody fingertips...


- Taking a three-month-old trick or treating, REALLY? We know you're using that kid to get candy for yourself. Somebody should hit you with one of the plastic pumpkins you have that damn candy in... Fat-ass!


- If Valentine's day is the one day you do something special for your lady, you deserve a heart-shaped slap across the right side of your face and from the left with those fucking red roses you bought off the street corner on your way home from work 20 minutes ago!


- If you don't feel comfortable giving a guy, you just met online your phone number, but you'll upload pictures of your children and yourself in your work uniform with your name tag showing...


- If you think your man wants to hear you bitch about another black man at the club with a white woman, you need to be slapped the fuck out of with a slightly damp cocktail napkin stuck to his hand.


~~~~~~


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