Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

PASSAGES VOL. 2

November 27, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

PASSAGES VOL. 2

1. Lied to someone about how good they fucked you.

2. Pretended to be a member of the A-Team.

3. Farted & blamed someone else or allowed someone else to take the blame.

4. Had phone sex.

5. Gotten a boner in church.

6. Had a crush on a teacher.

7. Had pink eye.

8. Wished an ex, ends up with an STD after you broke up.

9. Hoped an ex, gets cheated on after finding out they cheated on you.

10. Had a Friend with benefits.

11. Took a shit, didn't have enough toilet paper and almost poked your finger through to your asshole.

12. Had a shitty blowjob.

13. Fucked someone, then immediately started planning your getaway.

14. Had sex or gotten a blowjob in someone's car because you didn't want them to know where you lived or even what type of car YOU drove.

15. Wanted to fuck one of your partner's friends.

16. Wanted to fuck your partner's mom or one of their relatives.

17. Lied on an application or embellished your resume.

18. Busted a nut and farted at the same time.

19. Had to piss while getting head but didn't say anything because you were worried she wouldn't finish, thinking she was going to taste residual piss.

20. Tried to make buttermilk by mixing butter and milk in the same glass.

21. Re-gifted a shitty present.

22. Told someone their partner was good-looking when they were ugly as fuck.

23. Been afraid to take a shit in someone else's bathroom because you knew it was going to be loud or stinky.

24. Sneezed in your hand and wiped it on someone or something you shouldn't have.

25. Played sick to stay home from school or work.


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

PASSAGES VOL. 1

November 25, 2018

BY CHARLES AND SAMUEL

PASSAGES VOL. 1

    While there certainly are events that are considered rites of passage for everyone, i.e. learning to drive, getting your license, first date, voting, etc., there are also lesser-known, less likely to be admitted rites of passage that are crucial to our development & to not have experienced some or most of them is pretty damn criminal. You haven't fully experienced life until you've.


1. Made a Mixtape.

2. Been Dumped in public.

3. Said I love you when you really didn't.

4. Extended the 5-second rule to around 10-15 seconds, depending on what you dropped on the floor.

5. Caught your dick in your zipper.

6. Farted while having sex.

7. Farted out loud in public.

8. Waited too long & almost pissed your pants.

9. Had to fart while getting your dick sucked.

10. Been caught jacking off.

11. Been caught watching porn or had your parent find your porn stash.

12. Jacked off to the bra/panty section of the department store catalog.

13. Lied on your dick.

14. Intentionally fucked an ugly overweight person.

15. Had a pregnancy scare.

16. Saw a family member & thought, "Damn, if we weren't related..."

17. Had an STD scare.

18. Begged someone NOT to break up with you.

19. Lied about who dumped who.

20. Fucked someone, then ignored them the next time you saw them while you were with your friends.

21. Introduced/called someone by a different name.

22. Forgot to put on deodorant.

23. Realized halfway through the day you put your drawers on backward.

24. Cursed your parents under your breath.

25. Faked an orgasm or had one faked on you. 


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Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths

SMACK THAT

November 8, 2018

BY D.K. LION


     When's the last time you were out & about, running errands, shopping, waiting for service, etc. & something either caught your attention or someone crossed your path & made you think, "What the fuck?" or, "Really? That made sense to you?" Have you ever witnessed something or been exposed to the same behavior over & over again where you not only wanted to but had to physically refrain yourself from wanting to slap the monkey shit out of them? I'm sure we've all seen something or heard someone speak & you wondered, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" or, "How did you get through high school?" or even, "How the Arizona fuck are you still alive?"


     It's apparent as well as obviously some people just don't think before doing shit or don't think there's anything wrong with what they're doing, done, said, whatever; then there are those who do questionable shit because they feel the rules just shouldn't apply, or it's just one time, so what's the big damn deal, as long as they accomplish what THEY need or want.


     Granted, it's ridiculous to expect common courtesy or even common sense when dealing with the masses in today's society of selfishness, entitlement, & just plain ignorance, but come the fuck on... some shit should just be 2nd nature. What's even worse is when you come across people who know what they're doing is fucked up & they just don't care.


     While some are able to experience certain actions, behaviors, and the day to day choices people make & rationalize it to the human element, or even brush it off, unfortunately, I'm not one of them... Not all the time, anyway. There's just some shit that needs to be brought to light as being stupid or have the Happy horse shit slapped out of them, especially those who...


- Wait until their turn to order at the register in the fast food line. There could be 3 people standing in line in front of you & you wait until it's your turn to order to look at the fucking menu?? You need to be slapped with a fucking meal tray!!!


- You know you eventually have to pay for whatever the cashier rings up, so why not have your cash/card in your hand when your shit gets totaled? Why do people act so fucking shocked when they have to pay for their shit? Then they think it's funny when they have to dig in their purse for their pocketbook or back pocket for their wallet like they honestly forgot they had to pay. It ain't cute or funny... assholes!!


- Trust me when I tell you the job of a cashier or employee at a business is to be friendly and helpful, it's not to fucking flirt, so stop holding them up, trying to sweet talk them, especially in the damn checkout line! she doesn't want you, she's just doing her job!


- When I opened my bank account, the banker asked, "Is anyone you'd like to authorize to make deposits to your account?" Yeah, you asshat, anybody who fucking wants to!"


- Being from Europe, there are certain holidays I'd never been exposed to until moving to the U.S., such as Independence Day or Thanksgiving. You'd be surprised how many people ask me, "Why don't they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?" Really? REALLY??


- People will step in front of you in line, knowing you were waiting before them; what's even worse is when they look at you and smile or giggle like it's fucking funny or cute. I'd rather think you were just an asshole who jumped ahead of me; acknowledging you knew I was next in line is basically calling me a bitch in addition to your shitty action.


- Those who'll turn the opposite direction into a parking space, knowing you have the right of way, going with the flow of traffic "like you're supposed to" and even have your blinker on, and they STILL don't care; that'll get your car keyed QUICK!


- When there are 80 empty lockers in the locker room and the naked guy always has to pick the locker RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS!


- When you're out with your lady for the night; no matter how obvious it is you're there together, there's always some fucker who'll try to get her attention. Even though he's been caught doing it, he'll still try to position himself to where he can stare at her and try to make eye contact with her... If you're one of those guys, don't get mad if you get your ass kicked...


- NOT EVERYONE WANTS THEIR PICTURE TAKEN OR WANTS TO BE IN YOUR FUCKING PANORAMIC VIDEO!!! I don't even know why I have to say this... In addition, that bright ass light on your camera phone is fucking annoying! Most people are just too polite to say anything about it, but every time one of those lights turn on because you want to make a video, at least half the room wants to slap the shit out of you!!


- It still boggles my mind and grosses me out how many grown ass men STILL walk out of the bathroom without washing their hands... Nasty fuck! Somebody should slap you with a handful of shitty paper before it gets flushed.


- LEARN HOW TO CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED!!! Do I REALLY need to say any more than that about this?


- I wholeheartedly plan on slapping the Hawaiian fuck out the next person that wishes me a HAPPY Memorial Day.


- ANYONE who goes out, smelling like pot, and forcing everyone else to smell it too, is an ASSHOLE, plain in simple.


- While I understand consumers are inclined to get rid of the change in their purse, pocket, or whatever; but when it's .52 cents, just give the bitch 2 quarters and 2 pennies, don't hold up the fucking lines, looking for 3 dimes, 2 nickels, and 12 pennies... That'll make the person behind you want to smack the shit out of you with a full fucking coin purse!


- If you're not getting gas, don't park at the fucking pump to run in and grab a fucking drink or lottery ticket!


- If you're that guy who'll try to have a conversation in the locker room while you're naked, don't get mad if someone curses you out or even throws a fucking wastebasket at you!


- For those who do it because they're lazy, I hope one day your child, parent, best friend, etc. has an accident in a grocery store or something to where the paramedics can't get to them fast enough because they had to park so far away and haul all their gear with them because someone else parked in the emergency RED ZONE because they just need to run in REAL QUICK to get a gallon of milk & your loved one fucking dies.


- If you believe it's wrong to expect someone to know English in order to live/work in America, but have no opinion or think it's okay that AMERICANS are turned down for jobs because they DON'T SPEAK SPANISH, You're an ignorant fucking hypocrite who needs a fucking slap across the face with a rolled up copy of the articles of independence!!


- STOP GOING OUT TO EAT & TRYING TO ORDER SHIT THAT AIN'T ON THE FUCKING MENU!!! You're not going to get them to make pasta at a fucking taco stand; so don't fucking ask!


- If you're broke the 1st time you check it, you're going to be broke the 8th time you check your balance at the ATM, so stop holding up the fucking line, ASSHAT!


- If you're that person who tries to ring up a full basket at the express line, just because there's no one standing there, trust me, the cashier wants to smack you, the person who walks up behind you with 3 items wants to smack the shit out of you and every person behind them wants to fuck you up while you're holding up the line, arguing with the cashier about why you have to go to another line... just move out the fucking way and find a normal line.


- I'm not the person you want to walk up behind, unannounced, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!


- I'm not ticklish... and if you are trying to tickle me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, TWICE!!


- If you call yourself jumping out to try to scare me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU... MULTIPLE TIMES IN RAPID SUCCESSION!


- If I open the fridge to get some juice and there's only one swallow left in the container and I find out who did it, be prepared to have the Colorado fuck smacked out of you with a gallon of juice with one fucking swallow left in it so it makes a slapping, slushing sound across your fucking face!


- If you use up all the copy paper, don't be the asshole and not refill it because you don't want to walk to the supply closet to get more... That's how people get the shit slapped out of them with full reams of paper...


- Using my shit without asking will result in your fuck-smack... Trust me...


- If you're at the club and a young lady walks by and you grab her, calling yourself pulling her over to you, don't be shocked when she sticks her hand in your drink and slaps you with a little long island iced tea on her fingertips!


- Anyone who has plastic balls, hanging from the back of their truck should be smacked on principle.


- Anyone still using the N-Word should be smacked... 40 acres & a mule-style.


- If you think it's cute to shove cake in your new husbands' face during your wedding reception... trust me, there's at least 1 out of every 25 people there who thought he should smack the shit out of you with frosting on his fingers like camo-paint across your fucking face!


- This is an important Public Service Announcement... Ladies, somehow, if you haven't figured it out by now, learn how to suck a dick without using your teeth; failure to do so will result in the intentional or subconscious shit being smacked out of you!


- Men, your hesitation, negative reaction to, or failure to kiss your lady after she sucks your dick and swallows your load may result in the violent squeezing of your balls, prior to her spitting residual cum into the palm of her hand, followed by the smacking of your fuck!


- If you're a bully, you should be prepared to eventually have the shit smacked out of you. If you're the parent of a bully who gets the shit smacked out of him, when you rush angrily at your child's school to protest said smacking, there should be a residual delayed fuck-smack awaiting your arrival.


- A grown ass man wearing skinny jeans should get his skinny jean wearing ass fuck-smacked not only by another man but also by his grandson for taking his jeans out his closet.


- Any woman who tries to put her finger in someone's ass while fucking without a previous discussion should just pause for a second, close her eyes, hold her breath & await the arrival of a punch in the ribs or temple, followed by a multitude of short, heavy-handed, fuck-smacks!!


- People who refuse to cover their mouths when coughing in public should just expect a Menthol chest rub smack across the face.


- A cute BBW, giving you head, just might enjoy a Dick-inspired smack on the forehead... lol


- If you're going to cheat, cheat UPWARDS; otherwise, getting caught cheating on an exceptionally hot woman who treats you like a king with a nasty hood rat could result in you getting slapped with a used condom she just used to revenge cheat on you with...


- Standing directly in front of the mirror at the gym to watch yourself curl 25 lb, weights will get you slapped with a 5 lb plate.


- Checking your cell phone during a movie may be the reason you get hit with a half-full bucket of popcorn someone left on the floor from a previous movie.


- Taking your kid to church and expecting them to sit still is not only unreasonable... it's ridiculous and then you'll be mad someone smacked you with a Bible and your kid with a Hymnal.


- Getting arrested for shoplifting/robbing a .99 cent store... You should slap yourself.


- With all the alternate options out there, if you drink and drive, someone should fucking smack you with their car.


- Trying to fight inside a club should just be automatic that you get punched in the balls by every person there!


- Attempting anal sex without warning will result in a violent, upward thrust of someone's hand, to your jaw, rapidly followed by a series of short & medium fuck-slaps back & forth across your fucking face, ending with a long, drawn-out swing of one's foot to your balls... Asshole!!!


- Taking your newborn to your job, just to show him/her off is stupid and you need to be slapped with a shitty wet wipe.


- Going back to visit a job you got fired from because you're cool with some of the people who work there makes you look like a fucking piece of shitty toilet paper that got stuck on the inside of your asscheek.


- If you honestly NEED to be told NOT to stick your hand under a lawnmower while the engine is running, you deserve to be slapped with a dirty plastic bag containing your bloody fingertips...


- Taking a 3 month-old trick or treating? REALLY? We know you're using that kid to get candy for yourself. Somebody should hit you with one of the plastic pumpkins you have that damn candy in... Fat-ass!


- If Valentine's day is the one day you do something special for your lady, you deserve a heart-shaped slap across the right side of your face and from the left with those fucking red roses you bought off the street corner on your way home from work 20 minutes ago!


- If you don't feel comfortable giving a guy you just met online your phone number, but you'll upload pictures of your children and of yourself in your work uniform with your name tag showing...


- If you think your man wants to hear you bitch about another black man at the club with a white woman, you need to be slapped the fuck out of with a slightly damp cocktail napkin stuck to his hand.


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