Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


February 3, 2019


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- If you're a straight man and another man invites you his place to watch porn, you need to ask him a few questions.

- If you accept his invitation, you may need to ask yourself a few questions as well.

- Every man should have a toolbox; even if it just has screwdrivers, wrenches, a hammer and socket set.

- A grown man who doesn't know how to change a tire is pretty much a lightly powdered, clean linen-scented bitch.

- Whether overweight or underweight being the case, if a woman and her man are physically able to fit and wear each others' clothes comfortably, ONE of you needs to change their eating habits and the other needs to go to the fucking gym!

- If you're in a relationship and the only directions you can look is straight up, straight down, or straight at your partner, without them getting bent out of shape, accusing you of checking someone else out, run. Run fast. Run fast as you fucking can. You're in the wrong relationship.

- Men will claim sexual addiction as an excuse AFTER caught cheating; hardly ever BEFORE.

- Sexual addiction is pretty much BULLSHIT! If he/she were addicted to sex, they would be fucking YOU all the time, not leaving you high and dry to fuck other people!!

- No matter how smooth or slick a man thinks he is when he does it, a woman already knows he's checking out her hips, lips, and tits. She also knows when she walks away, he's going to check out her ass.

- A man will turn down sex if he's not in the mood. The only time he'll turn down getting head is if you fucking suck at it, he's getting it from somewhere else, or he's trying to protect you from mouth herpes.

- When a woman tells you she can ONLY orgasm through oral sex; she's full of shit. Women are capable of 5 different types of orgasms. She's playing on your ego to get you to eat her pussy. She may not be able to have her favorite one through any other means but oral, but to say she can't orgasm AT ALL is a fucked up lie!

- Even if it were 15 years ago, most men wouldn't admit to EVER having an STD/STI.

- If your partner has decided to get fit and eat healthier, no one says you have to do the same; but if you continue to eat garbage in front of them, or expect them to cook shitty food that tempts or hinders their progress, You're fucked up.

- Either because he's jealous and possessive or he doesn't want anyone else to even look at her as being sexy or desirable, a man will attempt to, or intentionally sabotage his partner's motivation and progress about her wanting to get fit and lose weight.

- About 80% of the women you meet who'll take YOUR number and not offer hers, stating, "She'll call YOU," won't! She may think you're a good guy, but she's not interested. She's too kind to tell you.

- White women deal with disliking each other differently and most of the time better than black or Hispanic women. White women can hate each other and not only work on the same project together, but they can also actually hang out with mutual friends without causing a scene. Black and Hispanic women feel the need to let the object of their hatred know they are hated, along with everyone else in the group by talking shit to their face or behind their back.

- Much like dancing, Women who regularly frequent the gym relates a man's sexual prowess/ability by the way he works out.


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


January 11, 2019


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     Mortality, we all have to face and accept it. Getting older is an inevitable fact of life, and all must be prepared, regardless of the present age, gender, race, color, ethnicity, etc. One of the responsibilities of getting older is the expectation of evolving the way we speak in not only professional settings but social as well. Simply put, there's just some shit MEN shouldn't say, stop saying, or never should've started speaking in the first place.

- LITERALLY - A filler word intended to make you sound smart, but it actually does the complete opposite.


- NICE or SWEEEET! - If/when you get the answer or response you wanted. There's no way to say either of these without giving the impression you must be a 12-year-old virgin who jacks off to the bra/panty section of the dept. store catalog.

- C'MON, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN - You look stupid with your hand in the air, waiting on a hi-five that's never going to come.

- S'UP (What's Up?)" - I don't know what makes you a bigger assclown, saying it, or the stupid fucking upwards head-flip you do while you're saying it.

- BROTHER/BRO - Trust me, we know when that's not how you speak in normal conversation, so stop saying that shit for the benefit.

- SUPPOSABLY - That's not even a fucking word, it's SUPPOSEDLY!!

- BADASS (That's badass)

- BADASS - If you're STILL saying it, no one really thinks you are one!

- CONVERSATE - Another non-existent word people have adopted in everyday conversation, just because they heard it in a stupid fucking rap song. It's CONVERSE, you moron!

- NO OFFENSE - Translation: I'm sorry I'm about to kick you in the face, but I'm STILL about to kick you in the fucking face!

- Referring to the bathroom as the LITTLE BOYS ROOM - Enough said, you are fucking Pedophile!

- DROPPING THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL - Show me an adult who'll say they've never said the word SHIT and I'll show you someone who's full of shit.

- BAE - Are you really so lazy or think so little about your partner they don't rate the second syllable?



- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? - Translation: You've put on a few pounds’ babe, but it's too early in the morning to take a throat punch or a running sneaker kick in the balls.

- WHEN ARE YOU DUE? - She's not pregnant... BITCH!

- SORRY, BUT... - You're really not sorry, you're just trying to soften the blow before doing or saying something fuck up, knowing that it's fucked up.

- BECAUSE - Translation: I have no intelligent reason for what I just did or said, and I know you won't believe anything I can come up with.

- I CAN'T - Yes you can, you just don't want to, because you're either scared to try, or worried about failing.

- I WAS DRUNK - That's not an excuse, not even a bad one; never was, has, or will be...

- HATER - It's 2018, not 2008

- ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME - Just what the world needs, another unemployed philosophical hoodlum, whose closet is full of t-shirts with weed plants on them and working for cash to avoid child support.

- IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME - And if you really loved her, you'd let her fuck you in the ass with a strap-on and no lube. See how fucked up that statement can get?

- I'D HIT THAT/TAP THAT SHIT - That's a great statement to make, especially until you realize she's really a man.

- SHE JUST DOESN'T KNOW - In reference to sex with someone you see in passing. It's YOU who doesn't know that a woman will ALWAYS be capable of out-fucking you, due to women being multi-orgasmic.

- IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH? - What the fuck kind of question is that, dick!?!?


- YOU SHOULD START WORKING OUT - Yeah, that guarantees she'll NEVER find out you fucked around on her, caught an STD and have to be on antibiotics for the next week or so. You've successfully secured her safety because you won't be getting ANY pussy for at least two weeks or so.

- SICK (That's Sick) - In reference to something cool; and while you're at it, wanna come over and check out my digital monster battle card collection?



- CHILL OUT/CHILL PILL - It's 2018, Remember?

- LET'S WATCH A PORNO - Wait... WHAT THE FUCK?? Big-ass white chicks riding black dicks, filmed by hicks who also suck dick? That's fucking sick, and you should expect a multitude of rapid right-side temple kicks!

- COMMANDO - That's only sexy when women do it and trust me, your boys don't want to hear about it. They don't want or need to know you don't have any fucking underwear on!

- WAIT UNTIL HALFTIME - Yeah, tell your woman that shit when she wants some dick, and you haven't spent much time together because of work, kids, etc. You'll be able to watch the rest of the game and every other game in peace because she met someone who'll give her that Spartan dick whenever she wants it.

- DID YOU CUM YET? - That turns a woman on more than you know, especially when you're asking every 30 seconds too! You already know the answer most of the time. Otherwise, you sound like an unsure, 12-year old, fucking for the first time.

- MAN-BUN, MAN-BAG, MAN-CRUSH, MAN-SCAPE - Don't strut or prance around, sweating machismo and masculinity from every pore, then exhibit questionable behavior, only to rationalize it by putting a male qualifier in front of it. You're fully aware these examples are self-consciously questionable. About your masculinity, that's why you feel the need to put the word, "MAN" in front of it because you know your manhood's going to be called into question.

- POTTY - (Unless you're training a child) And when you're done, mommy will powder your behind before she changes your diaper, you are a fucking weirdo!

- I DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN - Translation: Fuck, I hope she didn’t just catch me looking at that girl's ass!!

- MY LAST GIRLFRIEND... - Yet, another way to protect your woman from getting that STD you caught while she was out of town last week.


- HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH - OUCH! I can't believe a woman her size could kick that high!

- SUCK MY DICK (To another man) - Prepare yourself. You never know. You just might get a response you weren't ready for.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING? - Translation: Don't wear that shit!

- I DON'T CARE - Translation: In no way, shape, or form am I interested in hearing your mouth on this subject, so do whatever you want.

- OFF THE HOOK/OFF THE CHAIN - What the fuck does that even mean?

- CUNT - Last but not least, the one word that'll get you kicked in the ball’s multiple times in rapid succession not only by the woman you directed it to but EVERY other woman who heard, heard about it, though they heard it, dreamed about hearing it, read your lips when you said it. Had a tingling sensation in the hairs on the back of her neck, alerting her to the possibility of it being mentioned.


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


January 5, 2019



     Under every subject and in every situation, there are rules and commandments to live by in order to preserve peace, show respect, and allow for a deeper experience. Sex is no different. Even in this day and time, if the hope of an enjoyable sexual experience is the goal, there are rules that should be taken as commandments and should be adhered to and taken as law to avoid being punched in the throat or donkey-kicked in the balls for saying or doing something ridiculous when you should be taking things seriously.

- Thou shall not tell your friends how good sex is with your partner. You're asking for trouble, and possibly one of your friends may plot against you.

- Thou shall not ask questions while getting head. Forever question you ask, she has to stop, take the dick out her mouth to answer you. Just shut up and take the dick suck.

- Thou shall not try anal without warning.

- As a man, thou shall not invite another man to watch porn alone.

- Thou shall not fart while receiving oral then laugh about it.

- Thou shall not ask if you have the biggest or best dick she's ever had. It's not like she's gonna tell you the truth anyway, it's a moot question.

- Thou shall not check sports scores on your phone while hitting or checking/posting to social media while taking it from behind.

- Thou shall not break your neck looking at someone else as they walk by.

- Thou shall not assume your present partner enjoys what your EX liked or actually tell them so.

- Thou shall not ask for an honest critique of your performance, then get offended by the answer.

- Thou shall not kiss everywhere around the dick and not suck it.

- Thou shall not try to copy every porn position you've ever seen.

- Thou shall not mention a specific name if your partner agrees to the possibility of a threesome. All you've pretty much done is admit to your partner you've wanted to fuck someone specific.

- Thou shall not ask over and over again if she's enjoying the dick; just shut up and fuck.

- Thou shall not ask her to get naked while you keep your clothes on. Don't expect her to be so openly vulnerable while you keep your clothes on so you can hit the door as soon as you're done.

- Thou shall not expect to get on top if you're big as fuck. Man or woman, if you mount your partner and they start gasping and coughing, get your big ass off.

- Thou shall not use sex as a punishment or get your way.

- Thou shall not bitch when asked to use a condom.

- Thou shall not spread your man's ass cheeks wide open if he's on top.

- Thou shall not talk about babies or having babies while fucking.

- Thou shall not suck a dick like you're drinking a thick-ass milkshake. You're not sucking a cherry through a straw; that shit hurts. "Ouch!" isn't a sexy phrase... AT ALL!!

- Thou shall not lick the clit like you're sanding wood.

- Thou shall not refer to a one-night stand or a first night fuck as making love.

- Thou shall not refer to your woman's breasts as stupid names such as, "Milk sacks" or "Jugs."

- Thou shall not surprise a man by having a dick. That'll most certainly get your ass kicked.

- Thou shall not ask for a comparison to an ex or former lover.

- Thou shall not timidly ASK for oral. Be a fucking man; own that shit.

- Thou shall not try anything near the asshole without prior permission.

- Thou shall not assume manual/oral stimulation is enough or an adequate substitute for sex.

- Thou shall not assume she had an orgasm, just because you did.

- Thou shall not continuously ask if she came yet.

- Thou shall not ask for two women, then get pissed when she asks for two men.


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


December 23, 2018


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     Imagine you're hauling ass down the track at 200+ MPH. Suddenly, something unthinkable happens. And before you know it, you have to slam on the brakes, deploying the parachute that slows you down to come to a COMPLETE stop.

     You're alone with your lady; a romantic dinner, followed by a close, sensual dancing and making out in the car. Things are progressing very well on its way to a night of fantastic sex. She's kneeling on the edge of the bed, face buried in the pillow taking it from behind like a champion and you're giving her the dick like a fucking Spartan. Then the unexpected happens... You say or do something fucked up, and she slams the brakes on you. You've just had the PUSSY PARACHUTE deployed on your ass.

     What exactly is the P2? The PUSSY PARACHUTE halts all sensual, intimate, and sexual activity IMMEDIATELY after a man says or does something so fucked up, no matter how amazing the dick is, she loses all interest and wants it out of her as soon as possible.

     There are plenty of reasons a woman will deploy the Pussy Parachute, and most of the time, Men are so damn dumb, they deserve it...

- Biting, squeezing or pinching nipples.

- Begging her to cum, No matter how many times you beg her, she'll cum when she's ready and you asking her about it over and over again, she's thinking, "Shut the fuck up!"

- Trying to be funny. While in the pussy is NOT the best time or place to crack a joke or say some stupid shit. Trying to be too dirty? Leave the porno talk to the actors.

- Verbal affirmation is essential to both men and women. Talking shit about how you're gonna break her back, give her the dick like she's never had before. Telling her how big your dick is and how long you can go, only to lie there in silence when she's riding you makes you an assclown.

- Refusing condoms is a sure way to get the P2!

- If you happen to be a guy with a 12" dick, don't try to, "Hit bottom" when you're in the pussy.

- Skipping foreplay is a HUGE no-no!

- Nothing turns a woman on more than her man sitting down next to her on the couch, hands clasped or rubbing nervous sweat from his palms on his jeans and politely asking for some, "Oral Stimulation" at her earliest convenience... Jackass! Walk up, pull your dick out and put it on her lips! She wonders what the fuck got into you, but rest assured; she'll wonder while she's sucking your dick!

- Letting her do all the work. We all know certain positions allow for the man or the woman to have to take the lead and do more physically, there are guys out there who'll make the woman do most of the work because he's a short-timer who's trying not to let on he's a 3-minute, 2-pump chump.

- If you know, she's self-conscious about the flab under her arms, or her "Muffin top," keep your fucking hands away from those areas. You trying to make her feel better about her body by touching her in those places annoys the fuck out of her, she loves you too much to donkey kick you or give you a solid throat-punch.

- Oh, and every woman LOVES having you grab the back of her head and shoving your dick all the way to the back of her throat! Nothing says I LOVE YOU like the sound of a woman choking, gasping to fucking breathe!!

- When you go down on your woman, take the time to explore her with your tongue. Don't just press down flat on her clit as hard as you can and lick like a thirsty dog, thinking it'll make her cum faster. Don't get mad when she punches you in the left temple because you're an idiot. And learn the difference between LICKING pussy and EATING pussy!!!

- SHAVE OR AT LEAST TRIM IT UP! No one wants to floss while they're still eating. Few things will kill the mood or get the Pussy Parachute quicker than watching or hearing your lady gag or tongue-flick rogue pubes off her tongue.

- A woman isn't going to orgasm EVERY time they have sex, especially as they get older, so stop trying to go and go until she does; after a while, you WILL make her sore, and NOT in a good way!

- Which would make you a bigger simple-minded, rude, inconsiderate, fuck-rag of an asshole? Farting while she's sucking your dick without warning her, or laughing about it, thinking it's fucking funny? She should hang your dumb ass with the cord from the Pussy Parachute before shoving the actual parachute up your asshole while you suffocate!

- If you intentionally try to put your dick in her ass without warning (or lube), you should present yourself for a hard, swift kick in the balls without argument. If you do it by accident, you're a fucking moron, but a throat slap should be expected.

- Oh yeah, nothing says, "I want you" like coming home, drunk and half-hard, trying to fuck.

- If she's fucking her man and one of his friends comes into the room, naked.

- Go ahead, pull out while she's sucking your dick and cum on her face without warning... I dare you. I hope she bites your dick all the way down the white meat! Or better yet, an uppercut to the sack, or a reach around with her fingers, right up your asshole! You're in a pretty vulnerable position to take on various attacks from multiple vantage points trying to be fucking cute or funny.

     The Pussy Parachute is nothing to take lightly. It can be deployed quickly and without warning, so wear your seat belt, drive safely, stay within your designated lane, make sure you ALWAYS have your insurance, obey all traffic laws, and you'll reach your destination with a smile on your face!


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


November 27, 2018



1. Lied to someone about how good they fucked you.

2. Pretended to be a member of the A-Team.

3. Farted and blamed someone else or allowed someone else to take the blame.

4. Had phone sex.

5. Gotten a boner in church.

6. Had a crush on a teacher.

7. Had pink eye.

8. Wished an ex, ends up with an STD after you broke up.

9. Hoped an ex, gets cheated on after finding out they cheated on you.

10. Had a Friend with benefits.

11. Took a shit, didn't have enough toilet paper and almost poked your finger through to your asshole.

12. Had a shitty blowjob.

13. Fucked someone, then immediately started planning your getaway.

14. Had sex or gotten a blowjob in someone's car because you didn't want them to know where you lived or even what type of car YOU drove.

15. Wanted to fuck one of your partner's friends.

16. Wanted to fuck your partner's mom or one of their relatives.

17. Lied on an application or embellished your resume.

18. Busted a nut and farted at the same time.

19. Had to piss while getting head but didn't say anything because you were worried she wouldn't finish, thinking she was going to taste residual piss.

20. Tried to make buttermilk by mixing butter and milk in the same glass.

21. Re-gifted a shitty present.

22. Told someone their partner was good-looking when they were ugly as fuck.

23. Been afraid to take a shit in someone else's bathroom because you knew it was going to be loud or stinky.

24. Sneezed in your hand and wiped it on someone or something you shouldn't have.

25. Played sick to stay home from school or work.


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


November 25, 2018



    While there certainly are events that are considered rites of passage for everyone, i.e. learning to drive, getting your license, first date, voting, etc., there are also lesser-known, less likely to be admitted rites of passage that are crucial to our development and to not have experienced some or most of them are pretty damn criminal. You haven't fully experienced life until you've:

1. Made a Mixtape.

2. Been Dumped in public.

3. Said I love you when you really didn't.

4. Extended the 5-second rule to around 10-15 seconds, depending on what you dropped on the floor.

5. Caught your dick in your zipper.

6. Farted while having sex.

7. Farted out loud in public.

8. Waited too long and almost pissed your pants.

9. Had to fart while getting your dick sucked.

10. Been caught jacking off.

11. Been caught watching porn or had your parent find your porn stash.

12. Jacked off to the bra/panty section of the department store catalog.

13. Lied on your dick.

14. Intentionally fucked an ugly overweight person.

15. Had a pregnancy scare.

16. Saw a family member and thought, "Damn, if we weren't related..."

17. Had an STD scare.

18. Begged someone NOT to break up with you.

19. Lied about who dumped who.

20. Fucked someone, then ignored them the next time you saw them while you were with your friends.

21. Introduced/called someone by a different name.

22. Forgot to put on deodorant.

23. Realized halfway through the day you put your drawers on backward.

24. Cursed your parents under your breath.

25. Faked an orgasm or had one faked on you. 


Light Truth

An ongoing series of Light Truths


November 8, 2018


     When's the last time you were out and about, running errands, shopping, waiting for service, etc. and something either caught your attention or someone crossed your path and made you think, "What the fuck?" or, "Really? That made sense to you?" Have you ever witnessed something or been exposed to the same behavior over and over again where you not only wanted to but had to physically refrain yourself from wanting to slap the monkey shit out of them? I'm sure we've all seen something or heard someone speak and you wondered, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" or, "How did you get through high school?" or even, "How the Arizona fuck are you still alive?"

     Some people just don't think before doing shit or don't think there's anything wrong with what they're doing, done, said. Then there are those who do questionable shit because they feel the rules just shouldn't apply, or it's just one time, so what's the big damn deal, as long as they accomplish what THEY need or want.

     It's ridiculous to expect common courtesy or even common sense when dealing with the masses in today's society of selfishness, entitlement, and just plain ignorance, but come the fuck on... some shit should just be second nature. What's even worse is when you come across people who know what they're doing is fucked up and they just don't care.

     While some can experience specific actions, behaviors, and the day to day choices people make and rationalize it to the human element, or even brush it off, unfortunately, I'm not one of them... Not all the time, anyway. There's just some shit that needs to be brought to light as being stupid or have the Happy horse shit slapped out of them, especially those who...

- Wait until their turn to order at the register in the fast food line. There could be three people standing in line in front of you, and you wait until it's your turn to order to look at the fucking menu?? You need to be slapped with a fucking meal tray!!!

- You know you eventually have to pay for whatever the cashier rings up, so why not have your cash/card in your hand when your shit gets totaled? Why do people act so fucking shocked when they have to pay for their shit? Then they think it's funny when they have to dig in their purse for their pocketbook or back pocket for their wallet like they honestly forgot they had to pay. It ain't cute or funny... assholes!!

- Trust me when I tell you the job of a cashier or employee at a business is to be friendly and helpful, it's not to fucking flirt, so stop holding them up, trying to sweet talk them, especially in the damn checkout line! She doesn't want you; she's just doing her job!

- When I opened my bank account, the banker asked, "Is anyone you'd like to authorize to make deposits to your account?" Yeah, you asshat, anybody who fucking wants to!"

- Being from Europe, there are certain holidays I'd never been exposed to until moving to the U.S., such as Independence Day or Thanksgiving. You'd be surprised how many people ask me, "Why don't they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?" Really? REALLY??

- People will step in front of you in line, knowing you were waiting before them; what's even worse is when they look at you and smile or giggle like it's fucking funny or cute. I'd rather think you were just an asshole who jumped ahead of me; acknowledging you knew I was next in line is essentially calling me a bitch in addition to your shitty action.

- Those who'll turn the opposite direction into a parking space, knowing you have the right of way, going with the flow of traffic "like you're supposed to" and even have your blinker on, and they STILL don't care; that'll get your car keyed QUICK!

- When there are 80 empty lockers in the locker room, and the naked guy always has to pick the one RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS!

- When you're out with your lady for the night; no matter how obvious it is you're there together, there's always some fucker who'll try to get her attention. Even though he's been caught doing it, he'll still try to position himself to where he can stare at her and try to make eye contact with her... If you're one of those guys, don't get mad if you get your ass kicked...

- NOT EVERYONE WANTS THEIR PICTURE TAKEN OR WANTS TO BE IN YOUR FUCKING PANORAMIC VIDEO!!! I don't even know why I have to say this... Also, that bright ass light on your camera phone is fucking annoying! Most people are just too polite to say anything about it, but every time one of those lights turn on because you want to make a video, at least half the room wants to slap the shit out of you!!

- It still boggles my mind and grosses me out how so many grown ass men STILL walk out of the bathroom without washing their hands... Nasty fuck! Somebody should slap you with a handful of shitty paper before it gets flushed.

- LEARN HOW TO CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED!!! Do I REALLY need to say any more than that about this?

- I wholeheartedly plan on slapping the Hawaiian fuck out the next person that wishes me a HAPPY Memorial Day.

- ANYONE who goes out, smelling like pot, and forcing everyone else to smell it too, is an ASSHOLE, plain in simple.

- While I understand consumers are inclined to get rid of the change in their purse, pocket, or whatever; but when it's .52 cents, just give the bitch two quarters and two pennies, don't hold up the fucking lines, looking for three dimes, two nickels, and twelve pennies... That'll make the person behind you want to smack the shit out of you with a full fucking coin purse!

- If you're not getting gas, don't park at the fucking pump to run in and grab a fucking drink or lottery ticket!

- If you're that guy who'll try to have a conversation in the locker room while you're naked, don't get mad if someone curses you out or even throws a fucking wastebasket at you!

- For those who do it because they're lazy, I hope one day your child, parent, best friend, etc. has an accident in a grocery store or something to where the paramedics can't get to them fast enough. Why, because they had to park so far away and haul all their gear with them because of someone else parked in the emergency RED ZONE because they just need to run in REAL QUICK to get a gallon of milk and your loved one fucking dies.

- If you believe it's wrong to expect someone to know English to live/work in America, but have no opinion or think it's okay that AMERICANS are turned down for jobs because they DON'T SPEAK SPANISH. You're an ignorant fucking hypocrite who needs a fucking slap across the face with a rolled up copy of the articles of independence!!

- STOP GOING OUT TO EAT and TRYING TO ORDER SHIT THAT AIN'T ON THE FUCKING MENU!!! You're not going to get them to make pasta at a fucking taco stand; so don't fucking ask!

- If you're broke the first time you check it, you're going to be broke the eighth time you check your balance at the ATM, so stop holding up the fucking line, ASSHAT!

- If you're that person who tries to ring up a full basket at the express line, just because there's no one standing there, trust me, the cashier wants to smack you. The person who walks up behind you with three items wants to smack the shit out of you and every person behind them wants to fuck you up while you're holding up the line, arguing with the cashier about why you have to go to another line... just move out the fucking way and find a normal line.

- I'm not the person you want to walk up behind, unannounced; I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

- I'm not ticklish... and if you are trying to tickle me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, TWICE!!

- If you call yourself jumping out to try to scare me, I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU... MULTIPLE TIMES IN RAPID SUCCESSION!

- If I open the fridge to get some juice, and there's only one swallow left in the container, and I find out who did it, be prepared to have the Colorado fuck smacked out of you with a gallon of juice with one fucking swallow left in it, so it makes a slapping, slushing sound across your fucking face!

- If you use up all the copy paper, don't be the asshole and not refill it because you don't want to walk to the supply closet to get more... That's how people get the shit slapped out of them with full reams of paper...

- Using my shit without asking will result in your fuck-smack... Trust me...

- If you're at the club and a young lady walks by, and you grab her, calling yourself pulling her over to you, don't be shocked when she sticks her hand in your drink and slaps you with a little long island iced tea on her fingertips!

- Anyone who has plastic balls, hanging from the back of their truck should be smacked on principle.

- Anyone still using the N-Word should be smacked... 40 acres and a mule-style.

- If you think it's cute to shove cake in your new husbands' face during your wedding reception... trust me, there's at least 1 out of every 25 people there who thought he should smack the shit out of you with frosting on his fingers like camo-paint across your fucking face!

- This is an important Public Service Announcement... Ladies, somehow, if you haven't figured it out by now, learn how to suck a dick without using your teeth; failure to do so will result in the intentional or subconscious shit being smacked out of you!

- Men, your hesitation, negative reaction to, or failure to kiss your lady after she sucks your dick and swallows your load may result in the violent squeezing of your balls, prior to her spitting residual cum into the palm of her hand, followed by the smacking of your fuck face!

- If you're a bully, you should be prepared to have the shit smacked out of you. If you're the parent of a bully who gets the shit smacked out of him, when you rush angrily at your child's school to protest said smacking, there should be a residual delayed fuck-smack awaiting your arrival.

- A grown ass man wearing skinny jeans should get his skinny jean wearing ass fuck-smacked not only by another man but also by his grandson for taking his jeans out his closet.

- Any woman who tries to put her finger in someone's ass while fucking without a previous discussion should just pause for a second, close her eyes, hold her breath and await the arrival of a punch in the ribs or temple, followed by a multitude of short, heavy-handed, fuck-smacks!!

- People who refuse to cover their mouths when coughing in public should just expect a Menthol chest rub smack across the face.

- A cute BBW, giving you head, just might enjoy a Dick-inspired smack on the forehead... lol

- If you're going to cheat, cheat UPWARDS; otherwise, getting caught cheating on an exceptionally hot woman who treats you like a king with a nasty hood rat could result in you getting slapped with a used condom she just used to revenge cheat on you with...

- If you stand directly in front of the mirror at the gym to watch yourself curl 25 lbs, weights will get you slapped with a 5 lb plate.

- Checking your cell phone during a movie may be the reason you get hit with a half-full bucket of popcorn someone left on the floor from a previous movie.

- Taking your kid to church and expecting them to sit still is not only unreasonable... it's ridiculous, and then you'll be mad someone smacked you with a Bible and your kid with a Hymnal.

- Getting arrested for shoplifting/robbing a .99 cent store... You should slap yourself.

- With all the alternate options out there, if you drink and drive, someone should try fucking smack you with their car.

- Trying to fight inside a club should just be automatic that you get punched in the balls by every person there!

- Attempting anal sex without warning will result in a violent, upward thrust of someone's hand, to your jaw, rapidly followed by a series of short and medium fuck-slaps back and forth across your fucking face, ending with a long, drawn-out swing of one's foot to your balls... Asshole!!!

- Taking your newborn to your job, just to show him/her off is stupid, and you need to be slapped with a shitty wet wipe.

- Going back to visit a job you got fired from because you're cool with some of the people who work there makes you look like a fucking piece of shitty toilet paper that got stuck on the inside of your asscheek.

- If you honestly NEED to be told NOT to stick your hand under a lawnmower while the engine is running, you deserve to be slapped with a dirty plastic bag containing your bloody fingertips...

- Taking a three-month-old trick or treating, REALLY? We know you're using that kid to get candy for yourself. Somebody should hit you with one of the plastic pumpkins you have that damn candy in... Fat-ass!

- If Valentine's day is the one day you do something special for your lady, you deserve a heart-shaped slap across the right side of your face and from the left with those fucking red roses you bought off the street corner on your way home from work 20 minutes ago!

- If you don't feel comfortable giving a guy, you just met online your phone number, but you'll upload pictures of your children and yourself in your work uniform with your name tag showing...

- If you think your man wants to hear you bitch about another black man at the club with a white woman, you need to be slapped the fuck out of with a slightly damp cocktail napkin stuck to his hand.



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